*Mama, why am I so alone? I can't go outside; I'm scared I might not make it home.*
The days of yore. Others. Crush of the moment:
hoar
hoars times two
erin
sign me
Ian Thorpe
Sara Sez...
*i remember what you told me before you went out on your own: sometimes to keep it together, you've got to leave it alone...so you can get on with your search, baby, and i can get on with mine. maybe someday we will find that it wasn't really wasted time...*-eaglesand when it came down to it, i didn't even factor into the decision.
i always have strange epiphanies when i watch dawson's creek. i think that's why i don't watch it anymore. i get so sick of crying and thinking. and i always think about us.
tonight joey was torn between whether to choose pacey or dawson. and i remember him saying to me once that he would [have] rather be[en] dead than have to choose between her and me. but i think that was just a load of crap. because in the end.. it wasn't a matter of who he loved more, who he felt more comfortable with, who he thought he wanted to be with long-term...it was who he could be with right then.
and i have NEVER lost to another girl when it comes to him.
jesus.. maybe i'm just delusional.
i have a shit-ton of mail in my box from god knows when, and i've been going thru and deleting stuff i KNOW i won't find important.
and i just opened a mail from one of the quote lists i'm on.. and this is what the quote of the day was: *I am nothing special; of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.* -Nicholas Sparks
and i made him read the notebook. i begged and pleaded with him for a year to read it. and when he finally did.. he loved it. and he knew that book was us.
and i heard on dawson's tonight that letting go isn't something you do once. it's something you do over and over, every day. and that our pain makes us real. and i have to fight every day to not love him anymore. and i have to fight everyday to hold onto the hope that he wasn't it for me, or that if he is/was, he'll find his way home.
the only time i've ever felt at home is when i was with him. and i can't find that anywhere else now. and it hurts me so much. it hurts to be misunderstood. and even when he and i were fighting, we were fighting because we loved each other enough to try and prove a point.
and i am sorry that i can't let go. i'm sorry that i can't just walk the hell away. damnit. 27 Sep 22:16
*i don't have to have it all. i'm not askin' for the world. and i don't need a star to fall, i just need a little light. someone shining in my life, 'cuz in the dark when you're afraid.. a little love can go a long, long way. there was a man she met one summer; his memory keeps her up at night...* -tbokay, i'm retarded.
i wanted to check and see how i did this week, so i went to the page to check. yeah, too bad i opened it right over everything i'd written in my journal.
i know i wrote about E. he and i are going to dinner tomorrow night. we were supposed to go together like, 2 weeks ago.. but he bailed on me and sat with the boys. which was fine, 'cuz i had other friends there. but i made him promise not to bail on me tomorrow.
and we're going on a hike saturday. i'm excited. we're hiking up in the monument. we have like, a mini-grand canyon here. and there's awesome trails. and i'm really looking forward to going with him, 'cuz he's like.. such an outdoorsy person.
and tonight i learned that he wants to wait 'till he's married to have sex. which is weird. it's cute weird, but it's weird. he is always so boy about how he talks about sex. and i guess he just feels like he has to fit in. which is understandable, 'cuz really.. the boys we hang out with are total assholes about that kind of stuff.
yesterday in hiking 4 boys and i got so lost. i mean, LOST. we ended up on these rocks that like, jut out over a 40-foot cliff. and we saw our teacher and like, yelled at him.. and by the time we got down to where his group was, they were gone.
and my teacher was RUNNING with his group. like, running up and down this canyon. he must be out of his mind if he thinks i'm running up a mountain.
but it was fun being lost with those boys. we went like, along the rock-face, through the creek, up some giant boulders, back through the creek. it was hella funny.
i'm starting to feel better. emotionally. i just wish this STUPID stress would go away, 'cuz i'm tired of dealing with it. my eyes are all red and puffy.
and i'm talking to my friend rob at school, and he says *I think I met my first enemy at [insert our school here] today. ;(* so i ask him to tell me how, and he goes into this BIG long story about how one time (not at band camp), he and his friends were driving home and a cop pulled them over and made rob walk the line and made his friends do breathalizer tests. and i'm like, not wanting to say anything, 'cuz he's drunk and i don't want to hurt his feelings. so then he's all, *Did I already tell you about the guy who wanted to beat me up today?* boys are so silly.
i am seriously TIRED. g'nite. 27 Sep 0:11
*don't know when i'll be back again...* -ckdammit. right when i started to write this 'every now and then' came on. this has to be one of my top 5 garth songs ever. it always makes me really sad. 'and when the song was over, i wish they'd played it again...' true that.
last night i was watching the simpsons with the boys.. and a commercial came on for country love songs, or something.. and our song was on there. 'forever and ever, amen.' that's our song. well, one of them. the other one i'm still really attached to, and can't listen to without getting all girly-emotional. anyway. that song.. 'forever and ever, amen'.. recalls no emotions. i don't feel anything when i listen to it.
i'm sick. i stressed myself out too much, so now i have my usual stress problems.. my eyes are all puffy, and i'm all itchy. dammit. i have to go buy some benadryl, but i am *poor*. i need a job.
i also need to go get ready and quit pissin' and moanin', 'cuz i have a shit-ton of stuff to do today. and tonight i get to build a spaceship. yay. 26 Sep 11:12
*to re-live your past with none of the pain is a lie.* -from jelly's last jamof course, i don't think anyone's even heard of jam. if you have, seriously email me. i love that musical. i love jelly. yay.
today i watched my broncos lose a game they should have won. and i take football way too seriously. and i hate when the broncos lose. and i can't believe kubiak went for the goddamn 2-point conversion in the FIRST HALF! we NEVER make 2-point conversions. jeezus gawd snowie. really.
leslie hasn't posted in a really long time. and she hasn't im'd me, either. she still has me blocked. i dunno why. sometimes it makes me sad.
i'm really happy that i didn't email him back. because now he knows what it's like. and i didn't not email him 'cuz i wanted to like, be vengeful. i just don't really have anything to say. and i don't want to feel like he used to make me feel ever again. even though i still sometimes do. i don't understand why.
i emailed my friend bixby tonight. he's a marine. i really respect him for that. but he's actually just a really kick ass guy. he went to school before he went to college.. and now he feels all old. and he is. :] but i love him. he's really awesome. he's super-intelligent.
and it's funny how many people in the military/going into the military/used to be in the military i know. some of 'em are shitty sailors/marines/soldiers, etc., but some of 'em are the most dedicated patriots/heroes i've ever known. and regardless of how they act and behave and.. whatever.. they're all putting their lives on the line for me. and for you. and that commands respect.
i forgot what the hell else i had to say. 24 Sep 22:57
*don't be afraid, just walk to the light* -jdmhold on.. i have to rock out to friends in low places.
that song rocks. i seriously think it's the best break-up song ever. especially the "live" version.
i'm fish-sitting, and i don't think Fish Hornsby appreciates country music.. or any loud music, for that matter. i think it pisses him off.
so, today i went to that leadership academy. it was awesome. we had a guest speaker first.. and then we went to like, our own 'break-out' things, where we got to choose which program we wanted to go to.
i went with two of my friends from hall council. the first program we all went to together.. and it was basically a program that made us think about what we value. and it was very interesting. we had to write ten things. here are mine: family, success, patriotism, loyalty, sense of humor, um.. sense of self, acceptance, education, and personal independence. and then we had to rank them 1-10.. and THEN we had to take 1 and 2 (education and acceptance, for me...) and pick one, and throw the other away. i chose education. we had to do that with 3 & 4, and then 5 & 6. i know that patriotism was either 5 or 6. and i chose that over success. interesting. clearly i would rather be successful.. but patriotism is so.. inherent in my nature, that it isn't even a choice.
the whole point of that was to say that our hall council president is a military brat. instead of 'patriotism', he chose honor. and i would have NEVER known he was so like me in that facet of our lives, had we not had that break-down session. it was very interesting.
our hall council president is very cool. he is seriously everything i would want in a man. but he's like, engaged, or something. so he and i are just super close. i think we understand silence. he's smart, and outdoorsy, and funny.. i mean, REALLY smart. and he's dedicated. and he's good looking, but i'm ranking that at the bottom of 'major-pluses', 'cuz it isn't important. but he is very awesome. and he's struggling right now with some stuff, and he won't let anyone here help. and it's kind of a catch-22.. he doesn't know any of us to really TALK to us about stuff.. but he's never going to be able to talk to anyone if he doesn't start somewhere.
but the leadership 'academy', as they call it, was very interesting. i really took a lot out of it. plus, they gave us a certificate. yay. 23 Sep 16:02
*dry your eyes, i understand...* -sb"i know that i can't write a coherent entry if i'm listening to music, but tonight i'm going to try, anyway.
i had an okay day.
this boy i used to know at the beginning of the year stopped by at like, 2 in the morning DRUNK. i didn't answer the door or anything..but he left me a note.
and that's a really long and drawn out story that i don't want to go into tonight, let's just say that at the end of our conversation tonight i slammed my balcony door, threw my phone and slammed my front door. i don't know why i even still talk to/deal with him. he frustrates me so much.
and i talked to the boy tonight and tried to explain to him that i cannot be in a relationship right now.. and i promised myself that i wouldn't be in one, period, this year. and i don't think he understood, 'cuz he still tried to like, be a boyfriend-type person. and i don't understand!
and it's almost freakin' midnight and i have to be up at 0700 tomorrow, 'cuz i have a leadership conference all day. i'm tired. i watched popular and now i'm tired. popular comes on at freakin' 2200 here. what the hell is that all about?
i think maybe i'm so frustrated with things right now 'cuz i'm focusing on the bad. i think that's why all my meetings went bad last night, is 'cuz i was focusing on how much i didn't want to be there.
i miss happiness. 22 Sep 23:29
*staring in [his] face, i see a past that still haunts me. the road where we split up is paved with the things i didn't say. we had wonderful times, but terrible timing...* -emtoday sucked. actually, it was just tonight. i had a pretty good day. E and i had music appreciation class this morning. we had a test.. and we were both finished in like, 15 minutes. so i had 15 minutes of classroom time all day. lol :]
but tonight sucked.
i had a hall council meeting at 1800. and like, everyone was disorganized and we started the meeting off with negative stuff. and it was just blah.
then i had a programming meeting for the fall program, which consisted of me tracing and cutting out giant poster board stars for an hour. it also consisted of me finding out that i have to PAY to work at the fall program. i have to buy a ticket so i can WORK for two hours. what the fuck is that all about.
then, i had a meeting for IACURH. and it was like, an hour of just BABBLE. and it didn't really make any sense. and i'm on the goddamn fund raising committee. FUND RAISING?! cripes. so that meeting frustrated me even more.
and then i came home and the boys were monopolizing the tv with their nintendo for about the 76th straight hour. and i had asked matt to let me have the tv at 2100, 'cuz charmed comes on. and i come home and i'm like, 'i SO need to watch charmed.' asshole: too bad. and i told matt to tell them what was up, and he did. so i got to watch charmed.
and E came in to watch it with me, 'cuz he promised he would. and the boy came in to watch it, too, and he just kept making asinine, immature comments all night long. and it was frustrating.
and i leapt before i looked with him. and this is the first i've wrote. and now he likes me way too much.. and that isn't where i can see myself. and i've just been so anti-relationship lately.. although i appreciate the wonder and beauty of so many of my guy friends. and they're awesome.
and i'm just so tired. i have a test at 1000 tomorrow. and i just want to be left alone. i just want everyone to go away for a little while, and not be mad when i want them back in my life.
but i always want to have my cake and eat it, too.. and life just isn't that way. 21 Sep 23:09
*He followed her to work this morning
He'd never seen that dress before
She seemed to sail right through
Those dark clouds forming
That he knows he's headed for
After seven years of marriage
He wanted out
Now after seven months of freedom
It's clear that there's no doubtShe's gonna make it
And he never will
He's at the foot of the mountain
And she's over that hill
He's sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And he never willAnd, you know, it's not like she's forgot about him
She's just dealing with the pain
And the fact that she's survived so well without him
You know it's driving him insane
And the crazy thing about it
Is she'd take him back
But the fool in him that walked out
Is the fool that just won't askShe's gonna make it
And he never will
He's at the foot of the mountain
And she's over that hill
He's sinkin' at sea
And her sails are filled
She's gonna make it
And he never will
Oh, she's gonna make it...
He never will*
-gb
21 Sep 08:42
*shame you left my life so soon; you should have told me, but you left me far behind...* -candleboxi dunno what i have to say.
tonight i worked for three hours in tunnel of oppression. it's basically like.. a bunch of skits dealing with the "isms" of society. i was in the sexism scene. a few boys would be watching porn, and i walked in.. and basically got really pissed that they would be so inconsiderate. and they yelled and i yelled and then the tour left. and it was okay for the first couple hours... but when i left, i just felt so emotionally and physically drained.
and the whole tunnel tour makes me really sad. it's just.. like, there's a domestic violence scene, racism, sexism, sexual preference, ageism...and the sad reality is that people actually feel and behave the way we're acting. and.. with my history.. the way i grew up, the friends i surround(ed) myself with...i don't hate anyone. and hate just makes me sad.
but i really like the guys i worked with tonight. i walked in and they're like, "you must be sara." and my friend gar is like, "whassup!" and they all made it perfectly clear that they were just acting and that they didn't really mean it and blahblah. it was fun.
man, i'm tired. i know i have more to say. oh yeah...
i hope tunnel has some sort of lasting effect on people. i know that the likelihood is that people won't remember any of it beyond the paper they have to write for extra credit in a class.. but i hope it makes them think. just for a minute. 19 Sep 23:42
*i guess all that's left to say is in teardrops at the bottom of the page. god, i love you...* -tri'm in a bad mood. i stomped out of the tv room tonight 'cuz i'm sick of the boys' collective sexist shit. it's funny for a while, but now it's just fucking obnoxious. and i'm tired of dealing with it. and tonight i just snapped. and i'm crying over boys.
and i'm sick of relationships. i'm sick of everyone and everything. and i'm in my, i want to crawl in a hole and die phase...again. and i don't really want to. i got good news on the school front today, and like.. it's all dwarfed by their idiocy. i dunno what the hell my problem is, but i know it has a hella lot to do with being sick of playing nice.
i came to school with the resolution to not repeat high school.. and now some of my guys are just being dicks.. like, for no reason. and i don't really care to remedy it. if they want to stop being assholes, that's fine...but i'm not going to like.. be okay with it.
and somehow i'm made out to be the asshole when i tell them to quit being obnoxious. it's like, i automatically must be having a bad day 'cuz i don't want to hear their inane, uneducated crap.
and i spent the weekend thinking about whether or not i want to write. anything. and part of me really wants to... but i know i would regret it. and the quote for today is my favorite. i love the ranch. i think leslie and i are the only two people in the world who own their cd. and i love that cd. and desiree is such a powerful song. and it always makes me think.
it must just be me. i mean.. everything.
i am going to IACURH in november. i'm ssssoooo excited
i got crushed in the CQT deathmatch yesterday, so i think i'll sleep. 17 Sep 21:18
*and i love my life. and i'd never trade between what you and me had and the life i've made. . . every once in a while i think about you.* -gbi know. i haven't been updating. i suck. and it isn't that i'm really *busy* with other stuff, 'cuz i'm really slacking in school (dammit.) i think it's that.. after i wrote about him, i didn't really have anything left to say. i was so drained.
his email has been sitting in my box since i got it. i've kept it as new all this time, 'cuz i thought that maybe i would write him back. but i've come to the conclusion that i'm not going to. i just don't really feel like it. he signed his letter "ta ta". ta ta?!
i dunno. i just really don't have anything to say to him. like, i want to email him and say "i'll always love you. i won't forget my promise," 'cuz i want him to hear that. but i don't know what else there is to say. y'know? and if i write him back and tell him i'll always love him and then end the letter with "but really, don't talk to me anymore..." how stupid does that sound?
and the fact remains, i pretty much want to have my cake and eat it, too, 'cuz i do want to like.. date other people. there's *so* many guys that i like here. there's this one guy.. he's a government/education major.. and i *love* his attitude. he's picky, too. :] and he has an awesome upper-midwest accent. he's hot. like.. not just looks. 'cuz i hate the boys 'cuz they're so superficial. but there's a few guys i really dig on up here. it's awesome.
tonight accent-boy and i were talking about what losers we are. he's in his room watching lost world, so i think he wins the biggest loser award. but then again, here am i. oy.
i'm supposed to go home this weekend, 'cuz the grandparents are closin' the pool. i just really don't want to drive 4 hours home. i really don't. but i don't wanna stay here tomorrow, either. who knows. we'll see when i wake up. 15 Sep 23:22
*i wanna give back what you've given to me...* -kuhe emailed me. he emailed me! why?! why. i just do not understand.
like.. he prefaced his email with *i know this is probably a bad idea, but i just wanted to say that i am still alive (and flourishing) here in [insert his college town's name here.]* you're goddamn right it's a bad idea! now i'm faced with this dilemma: do i email him back or not? i only trust one person's advice (sorry...) on this subject, and i know she'd say no. but.. i *like* hearing what's going on in his life, and i feel like if i don't respond to his email, i'm never going to hear again. and that wouldn't really be that bad.. it's just such an amazingly complicated catch-22. like, true 'nuff i told him i want him out of my life. and i do.
like, what do i say if i write him back? 'good to hear from you'? hardly. dammit.
and it isn't that i don't trust myself to email him again and like, whatever follows. it's just that, i KNOW we're going to end up fighting again...eventually. and when i came to school, i promised myself that i wasn't going to surround myself with people i'm not going to get along with. i know that sounds stupid, but i really have a different set of friends here.
and she and i were just talking the other night about how he's tired of "i want you out of my life"/"i miss you". and so am i. and that's why i haven't emailed him to tell him i want him back in my life. i don't think i've even thought about emailing him.
i've been sitting here for 15 minutes trying to think of what else to say. i guess there might not be anything else. ...there's always something else. 14 Sep 09:47
*and i wonder how i never got the burn, and if i'm ever gonna learn how lonely people make their life.. one strain at a time.* -mb20yeah. i stole leslie's code that she put in the other 'blog for frames. but only 'cuz i'm frames-retarded. and clearly i'm still frames retarded, 'cuz i want my text to be wider. ehhhhhh!
anyway. i just wanted to admit that yes, i stole the code. 12 Sep 12:13