*Write your soul down word for word. See who's your friend, who is kind. It's almost like a disease. I know soon you will be over the lies; you'll be strong. You'll be rich in love and you will carry on.*

< << On Display > >>

The days of yore.

Others.
hoar
hoars times two
erin
xhael
andrew

Say something.
AIM
sign me

Crush of the Moment:
Noah.
Book of the Moment:
Winter of Our Discontent, Steinbeck
Song of the Moment:
My Love Goes On and On, Chris Cagle
CD of the Moment:
A More Perfect World,
Mary Beth Maziarz

i love
pitas
marines
soldiers
sailors
my boys
google
writethisdown

*your love is better than chocolate. better than anything else that i've tried.* -sm

good lord. time is so little.
xhael's latest entry is poetry. "Sometimes I think that whatever higher power is above us didn't make people strong enough to REALLY fall in love. Because giving yourself over to someone else COMPLETELY.. and sharing your strengths and weaknesses, your love and hate, your successes and failures, your heart and soul with someone else is the ultimate test of strength. And when it comes down to it.. I'm just not sure I still believe that anyone can cut it."
but i disagree to a point. i mean.. i think God made us capable of falling in love. it's like the card said: love isn't in the falling...it's in the staying.
i've loved a lot of people. i've been IN love with a couple people at one point or another. i mean.. we're capable of love. if i didn't believe--if SHE didn't believe--we were capable of loving..and of being (feeling?) loved, i wouldn't be who i am. the back bone of a dreamer, of a romantic, of a friend is to love. it's who we are. it's in our blood.
i have so much to say about that, but i can't really concentrate on the topic. maybe i'll come back to it.
i'm so amazed by god sometimes. i've been crying and praying for months and months to answer my questions. first about ben, then about noah. still about noah. but i met this boy at school last week...and i actually heard about him before i met him. i call him huntdigity. he was roomies with a friend of mine...but hunt tried to kill himself last week. no... i guess it was two weeks ago.
and i met him at the pumpkin carving contest we had (SO fun!). and he's a pretty cool guy. like.. we talked a lot that night and the next about why he did what he did, why he feels the way he still feels, why i feel the way i do. lots of stuff. and for all our (me, him, noah, ben...etc) pain, there's still hope.
he kept telling me that everything i told him, someone else had said. someone else had promised him better days. someone else had promised him more love. someone else...everything. but i know. i know. and it's funny to talk to someone else about the same stuff i'm feeling. i mean, it's funny to tell him the stuff.
i told him the story of Job. Job is my favorite book of the Bible. i read it my senior year in high school, for literary purposes. and now i read it for inspirational reasons. and i tell and tell and tell people what i've learned. what i feel. what i think will help. but i can never say it to myself. or, i can never listen to it. all the words are easy to say, but hard to believe. hard to understand. and i get so frustrated when i can't reach someone. and i should be more concerned with reaching myself.
noah told me that he's so angry with me because i knew he was abandoned. i knew he'd been abandoned by everyone he ever loved...and i did the same thing. in my confusion and fear that maybe he really did LOVE me, and maybe he wanted to stay..i told him to walk. and i was so BLIND!!!!! to the fact that he was hurt. and i talk so much about how i knew him so well and whatever the fuck. and i guess i didn't, if i didn't notice that he was distancing himself from me. and i understand his anger. i do.
i just wish he would recognize that he's not the only one who's used to being abandoned. lots of people deal with that. i feel that. i understand. i know what it's like to want to say, 'oh, what the fuck' all the time. just throw your hands up, walk away, lock you inside of you. i know the emptiness. i know the sadness. i know it. i'm sorry i added to it with him. i'm sorry.
i apologize so much lately. i used to yell at poodle for apologizing too much. and now.. here i am. apologizing too much. maybe he apologized so much because he didn't know what else to do.
"it's hard to stay mad with so much beauty in the world. sometimes i feel like i'm seeing all at once, and it's too much...my heart fills like a balloon that's about to burst...and then i remember to relax and stop trying to hold onto it. and then it flows through me like rain and i can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life..." -alan ball, "american beauty" 28 Oct 22:38

*when we were together, we never turned our backs on each other. but now that we're separated, we can't stand one another.* -avant

good news first. i got a letter from my skool today telling me they accepted 46 credits from my other school. so after this semester i'll have junior status. wahoo! i can still graduate December 2002. AND, from the credits they accepted, i have a 3.35 cumulative GPA, which isn't like...great, but is damn near double my high school graduating GPA. lol
yeah, so.. last night was just bad.
first the green mile incident. then noah.
he signed on and IMd me. HE imd me. and i was like, 'oh...my...god.' 'cuz like, i had given up. i sent him that last letter. i took him off my buddy list. and then there he was. and it wasn't a pleasant conversation.
and he said to me, *I don't mean to seem negative but I don't recall you fighting very hard whilst the mighty ben was in your life*. and that's really when i knew that things were final, i guess. i mean.. he would have NEVER said that before. and i seriously think now that it was he who was talking all that yang to me a couple weeks ago. :shrugs:
and y'know what, i told him...it WAS hard for me to get over ben. it IS hard. and i told noah that my love for him is deeper than life and death. it's greater than that. actually i said, 'my love isn't based on life.' and he said, 'nor is it based on consistency or proximity.' to which i replied, *jesus, noah. i cast all my chips into ben's boat. and i lost. and that's my fault. and i'm SORRY if sometimes i forget [that]. but i love you the same now as i did when you told me you hate valentine's day.*
and he said some other negative, hurtful comment there. and i tried arguing some more...and all the sudden he's all, 'i need sleep now.' and left.
and right before that i told him to just fucking say it. y'know? just tell me to be there...tell me to pack it up and leave. and i SO would. in half a second i would. and then like, RIGHT after that he's all, 'i need sleep now.'
so, whatever. i mean.. it hurts and it pisses me off. and i KNOW i let noah down. but jesus.. i wonder how many times i need to tell him that i DON'T LOVE BEN. and that i'd STILL choose noah. i mean.. god. i just don't understand.
i lie awake praying and i don't even know what to pray for anymore. i mean... a peaceful death for him? no! i refuse to pray for death. but i don't know if he's really enjoying his life anymore. and clearly praying for him to let me back in his life is futile, because he's hell-bent on not allowing that.
and i'm sorry that i fucked things up so horribly between us. i wish he would have TOLD me he was upset like, 4 months ago when all the stuff he's throwing in my face now actually HAPPENED. 'cuz now he's let all this anger and hurt and disappointment fester inside him and he's so angry about it. and yeah...i understand why.
but i'm not perfect. and i'm not completely sure about life all the time. and sometimes i still cry that i don't talk to ben...that he's not even my friend.
but more often i cry that noah isn't even my friend. and that regardless of all my poetic words, tears, honesty and humility...i still go to bed at night without him. i come home to myself.
and i pray things will change. 25 Oct 20:30

*bought a ticket for a runaway train, like a madman laughin' at the rain. a little outta touch. little insane. it's just easier than dealing with the pain. -sa

tonight i watched the green mile with a bunch of people. (i'll probably ruin the movie later in this post...so if you haven't seen it, don't read.)
i hate when people talk thru movies. like, they don't talk thru them at the theatre, for god's sake...why the hell do they have to talk through them here?
i'd never seen that movie before. and i never will again. it's so pack-full of emotion. and i don't deal well with movies like that. i sat there with all those boys, crying. and i came to my room and fell on my bed sobbing. and i hurt from crying, but i can't stop
and i think i'm mostly upset at the boys. like, one of them told this really racist joke the other day, and it really offended me. i mean, of course it offended me. and sean is like, half white..half hispanic. and he just laughed it off. and tonight when the guards were asking john what he wanted.. one of them said, 'a watermelon.' which is the punchline of the racist joke. and i was like, 'shut the eff up, you guys.' and sean goes, 'sara! quit bitching at people. jesus.' and i said, 'shut up, sean! you of all people should take offense to that joke.' and he said, 'god...calm down. they don't mean it.' and i said, 'oh, fuck you, they don't mean it!' because i KNOW they do. i know when they say nigger, they fuckin' mean it. why the hell else would they say that? what good ever came out of that word?
and one of 'em came and apologized after the movie. like, while i was in here. and i said, 'you don't owe me an apology.' i mean.. he is the way he is. they all are. we all are. and he doesn't need to apologize to me for being the way he is. it's just very disconcerting 'cuz it makes me question the people i chose as friends this year. i mean.. yes, i recognize there's a difference amongst friends. always. and if my friends were all the way i am, we'd never get along, probably. but racism? being so ignorant as to hate someone based on their color? i can't look past that. it's too much a part of my life to forgive.
i sent noah my last letter today. or, i probably put it down there too late, so it'll go out tomorrow...to be exact. but i've sent him a couple emails and he hasn't responded. and i've written him so many letters...and i haven't heard anything back. and i'm not going to continue to force myself on him.
and i think that's why john dying upset me so much. because paul didn't. and paul lived and lived and lived.. and then he said something about how he was given the penalty (?) of outliving all his friends and family because he let one of god's miracles die. and more importantly, because he killed a miracle of god. and perhaps in the grand scheme of miracles, god's creations and humans, noah isn't a miracle. but he is to me. and if he wants to die alone... i should stop being selfish and honor that.
although i did make it a point to tell him that i don't want to leave. and that i won't ever just...give up. i mean, that point is probably obvious to him by now. i just ... god, i don't want him to die alone.
i don't want to die alone. 24 Oct 21:43

*underneath her skin and jewelry, hidden in her words and eyes, there's a wall that's cold and ugly. and she's scared as hell.* -mjk

today was pretty good. i got to see sean. he didn't come home from fall break yesterday 'cuz he's a giant loser. but he walked into the lounge tonight and is all, 'my peeps. it's good to be with my peeps again.' he's a nerd. it's good to have a ghetto friend here, though.
tonight my neighbors and i had a giant puddle fight. it rocked. and i won. so they got mad and had their own little fight outside and then came and sat on me. 'cuz they suck. so i was all wet. 'twas annoying. but i like rayn. i like puddles.
i LOVE mary beth's CD. my 'CD of the Moment'. y'all should get it. it's available thru marybethmusic.com. you won't be sorry. :]
i received a sort of disturbing letter from rob this weekend. actually, he probably sent it a big minute ago.. but since he sent it to my house, i didn't get it 'till this weekend. and the last part says, "i'm going to ask you something very plainly. be honest, because your answer won't change anything anyway. is it over between us? i ask because i don't know what to say when people ask about you." and it is. and i have to figure out how to tell him. because regardless of what he says, i know it's going to change things. it already has. and it's funny.. because for a LONG time i wanted robert. (god... who didn't?) not like, carnally.. but emotionally and spiritually. and he was here.. and he was mine.. and he still is, i suppose. but i just can't.
i love someone else.
and my friends who read me regularly are always apologizing to me about the way things are right now. like they can help it. like i can help it. like even noah can help it. :shrugs: and i can write about it endlessly here, but i can't ever talk about it. it's too much. and i'm hanging on by a very fragile and thin thread as it is...and i would lose it if i had to talk about it.
i know my rational, scientific mind would convince me that i need to walk away. and that it's over. and i would cry and be depressed and ... i don't know what. so i can't do that now. i can't do it yet.
and everyone says that it will get better. and i've said that to them a million times before...and all i can think to say now is that i know it will get better. i just wish it could get better with him.
i'm tired of just standing here. 23 Oct 21:29

*i could fold these days into perfect notes and send them off to you, or take a thousand photographs hoping black and white might do. but there's too much magic to describe every day...would it all be the same if i called you and you came?* -mbm

well.. i guess my letter to noah about charmed isn't going to get there...'cuz i don't know where the sum'bitch went. and that makes me sad, 'cuz i really like.. wrote a lot of my thoughts in there.
but now i can write what i had the other night...
so, on charmed.. (this is going to be a big long story relating back to me eventually....) there's three sisters. and they're witches. and they're good witches, thus they can only use their powers to help other people. and the sisters are protected by this guardian angel who protects only witches.. his name is leo. he's a white lighter.
and leo is in love with one of the sisters, piper. and she loves him, too. and the hierarchy of heaven told them they can't be married, so they were going to do it secretly. secretly because the bonds of marriage are greater than the ruling powers in heaven. and if they're married, they can't be torn apart.
but to make a long story short, they didn't get married. leo was found out and transported back to Heaven. and piper knew she wasn't going to see him again.
so piper went on strike from doing anything with her powers, 'cuz she was ssoo mad that God (?) took Leo away from her. but like, piper can't just go on strike. 'cuz she's bound by her powers to save others.
and when she saves the life she was meant to save, she realizes this. and she realizes that she has to move on. 'cuz like, leo's gone. and she loves him.. but she has to let go.
and she cries about it and talks to her sisters about it.. and leo comes back. God sent him back because He was impressed by piper's faith. and her love.
and i can't be selfish and want noah back. i have to trust that if he wants back...he knows that i love him. and that i'm waiting. and i can't keep forcing my words and thoughts and wants and needs and questions and frustrations on him. like he needs that. i just feel lost.
and i'm sick and fucking tired of men walking away. i'm sick of loving and losing. and noah's worse. like, i knew (i think) that the other ex and i wouldn't work. but i never thought of that with noah. i never even questioned our promises and words.
ugh. 22 Oct 23:35

*i want you to be happy in love with me* -avant

i meant to post this last time.. but if any of you out there have not yet seen lost souls, please don't. it's horrible. it's a giant waste of money and time.
tonight ison, oph, miss mack and i are going bowling. i haven't been bowling in forever. it's going to be fun.
i haven't had the desire to write lately. i don't know why. i think a lot of it is i've put a lot of time into studying. mostly, though, i think it's that i write to noah (almost) nightly. and that takes up so much of my energy.
i don't know what i'm trying to do as far as he goes. i mean, i know what i want. but i also know that what i want and what he needs are most likely two very different things. and that is more painful than anything else.
and i know you all are probably tired of reading about us.
i had better get going. soon, SOON i will write about all the things i've been putting off. i have an email full of stuff i need to post about.
laaaazy. i'm laaaaaaaazy for feelin' so lonely. oh wait...that's not how it goes. nevermind. 21 Oct 20:04

*all alone i came into this world. all alone i will someday die. solid stone is just stand and water, baby... sand and stone and a million years gone by..* -bnc

so much to say.
there was a bomb threat at my school Wednesday. we were evacuated at 10-something. around 11, the dean came and told us that the threat had come from an outside-of-colorado area code. 'twas from a palestinian supporter. the dean said the threat said something to the effect of, you're killing our kids, now we're going to kill some of yours. we weren't allowed back on campus until 1600 hours, which really angered me. i mean.. thanks for keeping us safe, but dammit. i was s'posta leave at 1200 that day to get home and see my family. :shrugs: i'm glad nothing happened to any of us.
so i'm home now. it's funny being here, 'cuz i'm basically doing all the same stuff that i do at school: reading, studying, writing noah... but i'm happy to be here. today i'm gonna go get my hair cut. yay.
i was gonna write about charmed, but i just wrote noah about it, and i don't want him to read it here before he gets my letter.
i hafta go participate in piracy now. i'll write later. 20 Oct 09:24

*i believe in you and me. i believe that we will be in love eternally. well, as far as i can see.. you will always be the one for me* -wh

yes, i'm listening to the preacher's wife soundtrack.
some random person AIMd me tonight and said, "Hi sara." And i said, "hi?" and they said, "You'll never guess in a million years who I am." And I said, "You should probably tell me, then." and he/she never did. :shrugs: it's probably another hacker trying to bust into my account. which is fine. whatever.
i totally bombed my math exam today. well.. i probably got a C. but that's bombing it for me. and i have a music appreciation test tomorrow that i haven't really studied for yet. blah.
wanna know what would be an awesome screenname/AIM name? andifellbackalone. okay, i'd have to edit it some.. but that'd be AWESOME. I Fell Back Alone is a song by World Party. if you've ever heard of WP, IM me. we're soulmates. :]
my favorite jeans have a hole in them.
tonight the boys made me happy and then made me really angry. one of my guy friends walked into the room where the rest of us were and i said, "hey adam." and he said, "whassup sara." and my ghetto friend said, 'dang, sar.. you're like the group girlfriend.' lol.. and that i am. it's like, 10 of them and then me. and sometimes lynds, but i'm more of a loser than she is, so i'm with them more.
and then they pissed me off. one of 'em said, 'man, that guy always has some bitches...' or something like that. and i have ASKED them so nicely to not say that around me.. to not refer to women like that when i am around. and they totally threw that out the door. and i said, 'hey! can you not?!' and one of 'em said, 'how 'bout [insert the c-word that refers to women here.]' and that REALLY pissed me off. so i left.
and i like hanging with the boys 'cuz they all talk to me about girls they want me to hook them up with, and their girlfriends and stuff they don't talk to anyone else (including each other) about.
and i remember when noah and i first met, he ne'er complained about all the boys in my life. and he's never been jealous. he just accepts that's the way i am. and he knows who i come home to, so to speak.
i'm going home in two days. actually, it's more like 37 hours. :] i'm way excited.
i should go study. one of these days i'm going to complete an update.
next time, i have to talk about Battle of the Buildings. i'm still feelin' the wrath of that. :] 16 Oct 22:30

*oh baby, give me one more chance (to show you that i love you.) won't you please let me back in your heart? oh, darlin', i was blind to let you go..* -j5

i fkn hate letssingit.com. why, you ask? 'cuz i'm ALWAYS searching for lyrics and they tease me with their little responses, and they come up with emptiness under the name. what the fuck.
i'll have to update this later 'cuz i have to study for my math exam tomorrow.
nothing in the world makes me sadder than to see our flag flying at half-mast. at school we have the u.s. flag, then my state's flag, then a POW/MIA flag. all the flags here in town are flying at half-mast in honor of the sailors of the USS Cole. i hate seeing flags at half-mast. Sunday, October 15, 2000 08:53 p.m.

*i remember clearly how you looked the night we met. i recall your laughter and your smile. i remember how you made me feel so at ease. i remember all your grace and your style . . . you're the only one i can't forget. baby, you're the best i've ever met.* -mm

so, i've been thinking. and maybe that was noah playing a really mean trick last night. like, maybe that's just what he feels he had to do. but i don't think it was. and the whole time last night i couldn't figure out whether it was him or not.. but now i kind of don't think so. the person i was talking to didn't talk like noah. and regardless of how different noah thinks he is now, i think i would still recognize him. (online...god, i sound like an idiot!)
and i thought a lot about things last night. i wrote him. i colored him a Precious Moments™ picture. it was cute. and here's why i gave up on noah in the first place. or.. more.. why i gave up outwardly on noah in the first place. when noah told me he was sick.. when he was having problems with his knee and subsequently they found out other stuff was wrong, i didn't even like, think twice. i mean.. it wasn't a decision for me whether or not i wanted to continue a relationship with him. i didn't have to decide if i wanted to love him or not. because i didn't think it was a decision for him, either. i mean, i thought we were just going to.. be us.
but his phone was disconnected shortly thereafter (or maybe before...) and we never talked on the phone. and he never signed on. and he never wrote. but he was pretty good about emailing me. but we went from talking everyday for months to damn near nothing in a matter of a week or two. and i was giving so much and trying so hard to keep us together. and maybe that was too much? but i got to the point where i thought he didn't even care. and that was probably really wrong of me. it was really wrong of me. but by (relatively) no fault of my own, i am not a very trusting person in relationships. i've been let down a lot. and i just thought noah didn't care anymore. and that killed me.
but i was so weak and sad and frustrated that i couldn't give anymore. i couldn't wait for him. because it felt to me like i was giving everything and not receiving anything. and even that is so selfish considering the situation noah was in, i couldn't look at it from anyway but my own.
and i got scared in our relationship and told him that maybe we would be better off apart...
oh, god.
was that it? did he think i didn't care? shit!! oh, god.
i never stopped loving noah. even when i didn't want to...even when i was scared he'd leave me, i loved him. and i respect him so much. i wish more people knew/know him the way i do. i wish i knew him now.
but i'm not going to be weak this time. i'm not going to give up. i believe in love. and i believe that ... oh hell, i don't know. i just know that i fucking love him. i wish that were enough. 12 Oct 21:35

*my parents think i'm crazy for stayin' here this long, but there's nothin' more i want for us than to prove to them they're wrong. i don't wanna be afraid...and though i haven't found the faith yet that i need, i'm tryin'.* -ks

tonight pretty much sucked. except i watched the spy who shagged me with val.
tonight i signed on and i saw noah's name on. my breath caught in my chest and my heart started pounding. and i said 'noah?' but it wasn't. it was someone else. and i still don't know who it was. and the truth is, i don't really care. it isn't anyone noah ever mentioned to me (unless he mentioned him in passing...). and he wouldn't tell me who he is, 'cuz i guess anonyminity is cool or something.
but we talked about noah. and that guy ripped me HARD. and he made me feel about 3" tall. and i deserved it. i did. i do.
the truth is, i really still love noah. and i've tried to like.. get away from that by flirting with and talking to accent-boy (or whoever.) but at night, i still want noah. and during the day, i still want noah. and i still cry for him and sleep with his picture by my bed. and i wouldn't give that up for anything.
and i'm still mad that whoever the hell i was talking to tonight was such an asshole to me. but i guess he really 'knows' me. noah's let him read my letters and whatnot. and that's fine. and noah and the boy (at least.. i'm assuming it's a boy?) read my journal. and that's fine. i mean, it's on the goddamn web, privacy is clearly not my top priority.
and i think the hardest part of the conversation was this: Me: Y'know what, eff you. If you want me to apologize for going out with someone else, you have another thing coming. I don't owe YOU anything.
Me: I want to talk to NOAH about this, 'cuz he's [yikes i'm vulgar] RATIONAL.
Boy: You don't owe me or him shit that never mattered to him
Me: But I DO owe Noah something. I owe him a lot more than I've given him. And I'm sorry.
and that's the truth. i owe noah a lot. and temptation is a bitch. but i'm not going to give into it. i wrote a couple months ago that i've never wanted to wait for anyone in my life.. but i do want to wait for him. i want there to be an us.
and i hope that someday he comes to his senses. and i hope that i don't wake up one morning and read in the goddamn Sentinel that he's died. because that would kill me.
and i told him once, and i'll tell him again.. that all he has to do is say it. say he loves me. say he needs me. say he wants me there. and i'd give up this life in a MINUTE. i'd walk away without looking back for one HOUR with him.
and quite frankly, i don't give a shit if whoever i was talking to earlier believes me or not. i know somewhere deep inside him, noah believes me. we didn't talk about forever in passing. i meant it. he knows it.
and i don't want to make things harder on him. i just need him to believe that there's more than one or two people he can still have in his life. i want him to believe that. he needs to believe that there's people who love him. and there's me.. and i love him. 'today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow...'
i'm kind of on a kevin sharp kick tonight, so i'll leave you with some lyrics to a song off his first cd.. my favorite song on there.
*in every life they say
one perfect love comes your way
i know for my heart that's true
there's only you

when sorrow brings me pain
if teardrops fall like rain
who else can I turn to
there's only you

every night, i thank the Lord above
for giving you to me
all my life I'll give you all my love
true and faithfully

so darlin', say you’ll stay
don’t take your love away
i’ll never find someone new
there's only you* 11 Oct 22:35

*i judge a man by the gold on the inside. i'm not fooled by the glitter on the outside.* -ks

jeezus gawd snowie. i haven't really updated in forever.
i just haven't really felt like it. i'm tired of writing about depressing stuff, 'cuz that totally isn't all that's in my life.
i was reading andrew's 'blog today. he's so hella funny. when i go back and edit this entry later, i'll put a link up.
tonight i've been searching up ways for hall council to volunteer in our community. and i think what i want most out of life is to pay it forward. in spite of the movie, or perhaps despite it, i think it's an awesome idea. and even though an email has been circulating for at least 2 years about paying it forward, it takes a movie with Haley Joel to create some interest.
and the kid (and teacher) that the movie is based on really did make a difference. and i know that since they're clearly good people, three people were probably not enough. and i think that would be my problem. i want to really help a LOT of people.
but if i can make a difference to one person--a lasting impression--that'd be truly awesome.
i wonder if i'm the only one who ever thinks about the lasting impressions i leave with people. i want people to be able to remember me with affection.
i want to make people laugh.
i remember this one time les and i had this long-ass talk about what we want to do with our lives. and every once in a while i open that message that's saved on my computer and read about what i want to do.
i don't know what all has come true, what all i've 'changed' for the better. but i do know that i'm writing in my journal more often, and that's something i wanted to do. granted, it isn't the same journal as when we had our talk.. but it's a journal, nonetheless.
i like that word. nonetheless. and inasmuch. and insofar.
i remember pisty and i used to talkwithnospaces, just 'cuz we were the only ones who could stand it.
when i was a big, giant, amazingly large AOL loser.. i used to have a shit-ton of fun online. i mean.. there were a LOT of us, and we all had a lot of fun. i don't know if any of us were really happy offline (except maybe jessica :P), but i know when we were on, we all had fun. now aol seems so ... just ... blah to me. and there's still a lot of people who feel differently. and looking back on things, i don't even remember all the people i disliked on aol. i don't remember the stupid fights we had. i just remember that mandy was bold and purple and i was italicized, gargantuan and green.
and i remember macros. and wav mixies. and the same names. and i feel really lucky to still have some of my OLD aol friends in my life.
i leave for iacurh a month from yesterday. yay. i'm really excited. tonight we have a meeting to learn our dances for roll call. i'm sure this is all a bunch of gibberish and nonsense to y'all, but if anyone is reading this and has ever been, or is going to IACURH, they understand.
yeah.. i have that meeting at 2100. i should probably go get some homework done.
oh. i wrote noah a couple weeks ago and asked him to send my stuff back. and it wasn't as cold-hearted as i just made it sound. it was more of a i'm-still-really-sad-that-we-didn't-work-i-wish-things-were-different letter. but i did ask him to send my books back. one is a prayer for owen meany by john irving, which is one of my favorite books of all time. and the other is an anthology of a bunch of plays/stories from history that i bought for my Masterpieces of Lit class at my old school. that book is like, 20 pounds and has every classic ever written, almost. and i tried calling him the other night, too. but is phone is still not working. :shrugs: who knows. 10 Oct 19:01

*she don't sit among the christians, 'cuz she questions her own worth.* -tracy lawrence

seriously, how cute is this? how sweet. :]
i don't really have a lot to say, yet. mom and ison are coming over today. it's homecoming weekend. we're going to a BBQ and then to the game tonight. and brunch tomorrow. i'm excited to see them. i have to clean up my room a bit before they get here. but it's actually MUCH more clean than my room at home is. lol :]
accent-boy isn't talking to me right now. which is fine. he's being super-weird. he'll talk sooner or later.
E and i had a talk about our feelings. actually, i wrote him a note, 'cuz i can't talk as well as i write. and i told him that the first night we met, i told mom about him. and nothing has changed. except now i have a deeper appreciation for him, 'cuz i KNOW him more. he's super nice.
07 Oct 11:01

*the hardest mile i ever walked was the one i walked away from you. maybe i'm a little ragged around the edges, and i've been keepin' a little more to myself these days. but, i'm alright. shot down, but i'm still standin'. i'm alright. a little banged up from the fall, but i'm alright.*-tc

yeah.
i dunno why i keep saying 'yeah' when i start off my entries. weird.
tonight's dawson's had some REALLY good music. and they didn't show the little "tonight's dawson's creek featured music from...", so i guess i'm going to have to wait. creekmusic.com will have it up soon enough.
my car window broke. like, the glass didn't break, but the window came off its track. so thomas got it back up, but i have to drive an hour and a half to the closest dealership tomorrow. oh yeah, i'm leaving at oh.. 0630 in the morning. how pissed am i?
i love the boys, though. they're awesome. it's like.. i'm just part of the gang. it's funny when i see all of us together. 'cuz it's like, all of these FUNNY boys, and then me. and i feel so comfortable around them, and they must feel comfy around me, too, 'cuz they treat me just like they treat each other.
i IMd him tonight. i dunno why. i told you, dawson's does weird things to me. but.. he never answered. and that's fine. i dunno what we would say to each other. and i told him, *sorry it took so long for me to gather my thoughts. i wanted to write you back.. but mostly i dunno what to say. and i know you're SICK of all the back and forthing in our friendship, and so am i. it's okay. everything is okay. i'm not pissed or sad or mad. i'm just kind of.. accepting things. and when i read your profile and you have a typical [insert his name here] quote up, i laugh. and that has to be a sign. or something.* and i meant it. i'm okay with things. like, i wouldn't be okay with them if he talked about her. but from the looks of it, we aren't going to talk, anyway. and that's fine. i just needed to get that stuff off my chest. and i know some small part of him needed to hear it.
and accent-boy came and sat on my balcony with me tonight. actually, it was me and my neighbors. we were listening to some new kids. (oh yeah, baby, NKOTB rule!) but he came and hung out. and he told us his roommate has been arrested twice for statuatory. yeah. what an ass. but i think accent-boy and i are giong to be okay. like.. we're gonna be able to be friends. and even though that isn't what i want, necessarily, it's something. and he's like, trying to make me feel better by saying there might be something there eventually. but i can't just.. like, do that. it's either one or the other for me.
but i wonder everytime i see him why i walked down his hallway at that exact moment. and it's important that we both have someone we can talk to.
i think i've seriously been focusing too much on being in a relationship again. and that must not be in the cards right now. i must need to focus on something else. 04 Oct 22:21

*you belonged to me for just one nite...as we slept the night away.* -md

yeah.
i haven't written in a long time. and there's all this crap i have to talk about, but right now all that i care about is one thing.
last night i went to dinner with an awesome guy. accent-boy, as a matter of fact. and we went to wendy's and sat there for 2 hours just talking. and it was an awesome experience. and he told me in the beginning that he met this really cool girl, but she has a boyfriend. so i thought that he'd y'know like, accepted that she has a boyfriend and moved on. but apparently not. because later we came back here and sat out on my balcony for the longest time just talking. and he said to me, 'sara.. i really like you. i REALLY like you. but there's this other girl that i have feelings for. and i don't feel like i would be being fair if i just tried to forget the feelings.'
and for some god-awful reason, when he left at 0415 this morning, i thought he had. but i woke up and knew he didn't. and he came over tonight and i cried a lot. and he just sort of felt bad. and that frustrated me, 'cuz i don't want him to feel bad for liking someone else, for crying out loud. (oh, p.s., her name is sarah, too. i must be cursed with that name. ugh.) and we finally decided that we're going to be friends. and when the fog clears from my head.. i'll be okay with that. but it's hard for me right now to just accept that i have all these feelings for him, and he semi-likes me.. but not enough to make anything happen.
and i am mostly upset with myself for getting in this position, 'cuz i told myself i wasn't going to. i wasn't--and am not--going to like someone who likes someone else. i tried that. i'm still trying that. and it sucks. and i want so much for things to be different between accent-boy and i.. but they won't be. and God must have some sort of plan. and i'm frustrated, but i am not going to give up and/or give in. he really is like, worth it. he's worth being a friend to. and he's worth hanging around with.
and i am sure that what's supposed to happen will. 03 Oct 21:24