*(Whenever he takes that ride, guess who's going to be right by his side?) I'll be with him (I know you will) on that midnight train to Georgia. (Leaving on that midnight train to Georgia.) I'd rather live in his world than live without him in mine.* -Gladys KnightTimothy McVeigh is such a little bitch. Seriously. I detest him. I'm so against capital punishment, but if anyone honestly deserves to die, he does. Although I think that would be some sort of reprieve for him, so maybe it would be better if he simply gets life in prison. Maybe he'll go the way of Dahmer.If McVeigh is so ready and willing to die, why is he asking for this stay of execution? That wanting to "maintain the integrity" bullshit is just laughable. McVeigh's just a scared little girl who doesn't want to accept the reality of the reprecussions of his actions. Gotta love John Ashcroft, though, don't ya? I got an email from Robert today. It was interesting. He told me he only has 17 months left in the Corps. That is just madness to me. (Michelle, seventeen months!) Chelle and I knew Rob when he went into boot camp. MAN, that was a long time ago. He mentioned packing up and moving across the country once he's out. I have no doubt he will. He's spontaneous like that. I talked to my old friend Jennie for a while last night. A good couple hours. It was amazing. We had a conversation like we've never had before, and it was really important. It's the only conversation like it that I've had with any of my friends from high school. Jenn and I determined that we essentially need to leave the past behind us. That there will always be days when we need to remember chem lab and Pete's Kitchen, but those days will be small compared to the days we need to talk about conferences and boyfriends and graduation. (And Howie Day...mmm.) And I think there's a time that EVERY friendship has that talk. Or, that every friendship should have that talk. And I'm really happy we had ours, because now I think we're both on the same page. Ready to accept our adult (ack!) lives, and go through adult problems together. I'm really envious of Jenn, and always have been. She's awesome. Tomorrow's Gram's birthday, so I think Ison and I are going to go take her flowers at work at the enemy headquarters (County Republican office.) She'll get a kick out of that. I think I'm going to go research some community service ideas for next year. Peace out.
31 May
2148 hrs
*There will be days when there will be doubts. There will be those who lie and let you down, when you just gotta rise above it all. Over the hurt, over the pain, you look for the raynbow in the pourin' rayn..* -Jeff CarsonThat song effing rocks. I saw it in the song list tonight at karaoke. I'd forgotten how rad it is. Maybe my boyfriend will download it for me. :]Karaoke tonight kicked some hella ass. It's what I needed to get back in the swing of things. I met a new cute boy. His name's Cliff. I used to know a jackass named Cliff. Turns out New Cliff doesn't prefer blondes, which is a step in the right direction for me and Man. I think his friend (Matt) is a friend of Dustin. Remember when we wrote that song for Dustin? That was funny. Tonight BJ and I had a funny conversation.
10 (20:49:33): ehh. The cats not going to live here. My mom said that she could get one since it wasn't bothering the dog and all my dad said was "can you make payments on the house"
RaynDancin (20:50:04): dad's bein' crabby.
10 (20:50:25): nah, he's never wanted more pets
RaynDancin (20:50:36): :P
10 (20:50:49): he never ends up getting his way either
RaynDancin (20:51:00): "either". what are you implying?
10 (20:51:22): that isn't what I meant
RaynDancin (20:51:25): mmhm
RaynDancin (20:51:26): :P
10 (20:51:45): I don't think that's what I meant to put there
RaynDancin (20:52:09): yeah it isn't.
He's really funny when he says something weird and I call him on it. Usually he's like, "lol...shit," 'cuz he knows it's silly of me to twist his words. He has lots of fun when Bal, Man and I get started on him. Or maybe just the three of us have fun. My anaconda don't. want. none. unless you got buns, hon'. Seriously, though.
31 May
0039 hrs
*why are you so far away from me? i need help and you're way across the sea. i could never touch you. i think it would be wrong. i've got your letter; you've got my song.* -weezerI got an email from Noah today. It was written like he was in some sort of hella hurry. One big sentence with a buncha commas separating ideas. I had to keep referencing my letter to him yesterday to figure out what he was saying. He's still on some secret spy mission and can't tell me where he is, which is fine, 'cuz it's probably someplace I wouldn't approve of. I bought the new Weezer album 'cuz of him. He loves the hell out of Weezer, which I've probably mentioned before. The album is kick ass.I think it's cool as hell that Weezer is playing a bunch of random places. Meeting rooms, Boston Harbor, some guy's garage. That kicks ass. I also talked to Leslie today for about the first time in forever. We apologized to each other for the current status of our friendship. It makes us both sad. She's funny. We were talking about when I was in San Ho and we went to San Fran and partied on. It was craziness. Of course, Ison just called to tell me there's a Backstreet Boys concert on CBS. Like I didn't know. I'm passing it up, though, to talk to my boyfriend. But I'm listening to their first CD. BSB kick ass. At least their first CD does. I tried to explain to Mom a couple weeks ago that I shouldn't have to get a job this summer because I'm just gonna get married and not hafta work, anyway. She didn't appreciate that at all, but Gram thought it was hella funny. Speaking of, turns out Gram really dislikes Tonio also. That kicks ass. If the weather decides to not suck tomorrow I think I'm gonna go down to Gram & Pa's and take some pictures with Pa. He has this old school camera that he's gonna teach me to take cool pictures with. I'm excited. Manda and the gang are going to karaoke tonight. I'm still trying to decide if I want to go or not. It's always really fun, but I just have been feeling really off lately, and I don't know that I would be that much fun, and subsequently I don't know that I'd have that much fun. Peace out.
30 May
1953 hrs
*and it's me who's too shy to ask for the thing i love.* -pcSo, I got home last night and had like, 5 or 6 emails from B.J. On both of my accounts, even. And they're cute, 'cuz he's funny when he tells stories and stuff. He rocks the house.He's the only one who emailed me. That's right. And I didn't really expect any emails from Man, 'cuz we don't email all that often. We'd rather catch up once the other one is back. But I did expect at least one from Ben. Nope. And then today he wanted to talk like everything should be fine, and he didn't even ASK me what was wrong. Other than to say, "Are you just not in a talkative mood?" And then he got all pissed off at the end of the conversation and left. 'Cuz he's a big boy. And I probably could have emailed him and told him that I was pissed, or even told him today when we were talking, but I just didn't even want to say anything to him. And I'm not wearing the big boy pants, either, but I'm hella tired of him saying one thing and doing another. But, I should recognize that he has to go jump walls and chase ghosts with his stupid boyfriends, and be happy to take second place. Jesus Christ.
29 May
1453 hrs
*I wanna be where my soul can run free. Just a city boy lookin' for a home.* -Keb' Mo'I love Keb'. He rocks my face off, as Dallin would say.I'll probably write about NACURH later, although it certainly wasn't as exciting or life changing as IACURH was. Which is strange, I think, given that NACURH is at least five times the size of IACURH. As has been my (and Michelle's) tradition for as long as I can remember, I'll dedicate this day (as I do for all recognized military holidays) to my patriotism. I seriously love this holiday. Not as much as I love Veteran's Day or July 4th, but I love this day. It is so amazing for me to drive around our new neighborhood (which isn't really that new, given that we've been here for two years.) My house flies our U.S. flag and Tonio's Navy flag. The house next door flies their U.S. flag and his Marines flag. And I think about every other house throughout the neighborhood flies their U.S. flag. It makes me so happy. So proud. I told BJ tonight that I have an ass-ton of patriotic links on my 'puter. I found one tonight that I must have tucked away a big long time ago. It has a couple speeches that Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. gave on a couple different Memorial Days. I'll quote the first speech tonight. The speech itself is sort of long, but I strongly encourage you to read it. Even those of you who don't believe in war. Even those of you who don't fly flags or take some time today to remember. It's powerful. Oh..and most importantly thank you. "The Fourth of July, for instance, has still its serious aspect, although we no longer should think of rejoicing like children that we have escaped from an outgrown control, although we have achieved not only our national but our moral independence and know it far too profoundly to make a talk about it, and although an Englishman can join in the celebration without a scruple. For, stripped of the temporary associations which gives rise to it, it is now the moment when by common consent we pause to become conscious of our national life and to rejoice in it, to recall what our country has done for each of us, and to ask ourselves what we can do for the country in return."
(Interesting, isn't it, his words that almost exactly mirror JFK's, only 80 years earlier?)"So to the indifferent inquirer who asks why Memorial Day is still kept up we may answer, it celebrates and solemnly reaffirms from year to year a national act of enthusiasm and faith. It embodies in the most impressive form our belief that to act with enthusiam and faith is the condition of acting greatly.""I believe from the bottom of my heart that our memorial halls and statues and tablets, the tattered flags of our regiments gathered in the Statehouses, are worth more to our young men by way of chastening and inspiration than the monuments of another hundred years of peaceful life could be."
28 May
2144 hrs
*you make me sick.* -pinkI seriously think I could punch Ben in the face right now. So, I didn't talk to him today 'cuz we usually don't talk that much during the day, anyway. We have to pretend that we're busy. And then he left me these messages while I was away indicating he was going out with his boyfriends tonight. Again. I thought that maybe since I'm leaving tomorrow for a week, that he might want to spend a little time with me. Apparently I was way wrong. And selfish.Then he got bitchy with the messages tonight, so I'm not at all inclined to wake up early to call him and say bye. Ass. Avs won!!!!!!!!!!! Man, it's such a shame that people don't understand how much ass hockey kicks. (Sorry 'bout your team, BJ. Sucks.) Andreas is so cute.
82 (21:13:31): go avs!
RaynDancin (21:13:34): yaaay!!
82 (21:13:49): heehee. finals. whoo.
82 (21:13:58): this kicks so much arse.
82 (21:14:37): but now i go get pasta. So, it's 9:19 (for those of you who don't like my military time style,) and I still have one more load of laundry to do. And I haven't started packing. This is the best. This is crunch-time, baby! Yikes. I think I need to settle down. I worked on my cast list a little bit. Check it out, man. Speaking of Man, she isn't talking to me right now. I'm not really sure why. She just sorta stopped talking last night. I think it has something to do with me and BJ. I really hate selfish people. So, I was watching Weakest Link tonight, as I like to do on Mondays, and this week was Celebrity WL. And George (da Bears!) was kickin' some ass. He answered ALL of his questions right in every round, and they voted him off! What the fuck? And this is like, that Kathy chick from MTV and Rob Schneider and that one chick from Talk Soup doing the voting. It was really shitty. But, he was graceful about it. And Anne was so cute. She said, "George, regrettably, you have been voted off. Good-bye, sir." It was sweet. I guess I better stop rambling and attempt to get some stuff done for tomorrow. Don't worry, though, I'll be back. I'll be back, and you'll be sorry!
You'll be sorry!
I'm already sorry.
21 May
2109 hrs
*you're the only face i recognize. it's so damn sweet of you to look me in the eyes.* -splenderAnd then one of these days I'll run into one of them again. A different set of high school memories. And I won't have so much to say."Yeah, I remember." "I've often thought about you." "No, it's okay." "I've missed you." And for the two of them... "I wish we wouldn't have left it at that. I wish we wouldn't have left." "I hope you're as happy as I am." "I should have said it." "I know you knew anyway." "God, I miss you." "Still." And when it's over, when we're done, I'll walk away again. And he'll walk away again. And I'll be sad. Again. And I'll break out the yearbooks, just to see his handwriting. Just to remember Spanish or English class. Just to remember racing down 17th Avenue Parkway. Just to remember him. And him. And I'll remember. Until next time.
19 May
2126 hrs
*it's alright. it's okay. i think God can explain.* -splenderI swear, one of these days I'm going to see someone from high school. Someone who wants to be my friend, who wants to play nice, and I'm going to walk away, having said what I wanted to."Remember when you were too cool for me?" "Remember how you ditched me for alcohol? And pot? And boys? And parties?" "Remember how scared and alone I was?""Remember that night we talked on the phone?" "Did you know I just wanted to like you? I just liked you. I just wanted you. Just you. You." And "'Cause I do." "You better believe I do." "And it's too late now." "It doesn't matter." "I'm better for it. Are you?" "Who?" "I think that's a bad idea." "Didn't we try that already?" "Why?" "Peace out." "Peace." And they'll all talk about me again. With their Abercronie shirts. And their Gap shorts. And their Contrampo or Nike shoes. And it will make them feel better. And I'll feel better. And it will be sweet, sweet good-bye. Until next time.
19 May
2157 hrs
*Oh, thus be it ever, when free man shall stand, between their loved homes, and war's desolation, blest with vict'ry and peace, may the Heav'n rescued land, praise the Pow'r that hath made, and preserved us a nation! Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just; and this be our motto; "in God is our trust!" And the star-spangled banner, in triumph shall wave, o'er the land of the free, and the home of the brave.* -FSKIsn't The Star-Spangled Banner a beautiful song? Whenever we go to Broncos games and the Air Force or the National Guard or even the Navy Leapfrogs do a flyover, my eyes well up with so much happiness and pride and devotion for this country. It isn't perfect, and it isn't always beautiful, but I wouldn't live anywhere else.I really enjoy The Patriot. I can't watch all of it anymore, 'cuz some parts are just too much. And, I recognize that it really isn't that close to being fact, given that Benjamin lives in the South, and keeps slaves (but not really,) and reluctantly joined the fight. But the end always makes me so happy. To think that there really were men like him who fought (and died) so that we may live today. No members of my family fought in the Revolutionary War, that I know of. (I'd have to check with Pa.) Although, I can get scholarships from the Daughters of the American Revolution, if I wanted to. I dunno.
But one member of our history fought in the Civil War. His name was Jacob...he fought for the north. He left the Mennonite faith to fight for whatever he believed the north was fighting for. And I'm really proud of that. And anyone who really knows me, knows that if the Navy (or Army, really) would give me the opportunity, I would join in a heartbeat. I think I owe it to everyone who's fought this far, who's fighting now. I owe it to my family. But, I can't join...so I sit at home, being the best patriot I can. Happy Armed Forces Day tomorrow. :]
18 May
1857 hrs
*Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken? Your best friend always sticking up for you, even when I know you're wrong? Can you imagine no first dance, freeze-dried romance, five-hour phone conversation? The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me?* -trainGuess what I found out today? Edwin McCain is releasing a new CD next month! Yay!! I'd heard it was going to be released sometime towards the end of the year, but turns out it's due out 19 June. I'm really excited.So, BJ left today finally for home. He'd come to town to celebrate a friend's birthday. Then he stayed here Monday and Tuesday nights. We had fun. Went up to Boulder yesterday and walked around Pearl Street. We took the long way, up through Nederland. It's really a pretty drive. I told BJ today that I think it would be best if we break up. (Whoever had four months wins.) My schedule is going to be way too busy next year (at least first semester,) to dedicate the time I think is necessary to a relationship. And I don't want to put him through that. When I get super stressed out, I pick fights, and he just doesn't deserve that. And things are shitty for me right now 'cuz of earlier today. I cried before he left, I cried when he left, I've cried since he left. I can't see right now that breaking up was the best descision. I hope it was. I've been praying for some assistance. Speaking of praying, turns out TexJohn is apparently really sick. I hope the doctors figure out what's wrong pretty soon. We went to karaoke tonight. Manda, her sister and their friends and me. It was fun. Man and I sang Sin Wagon. The best part is, the version we sang is so totally different than the version on the CD. It was crazy. I really dislike my stepdad. He's just so stupid and selfish. I don't know what, really, his deal is. Like, he kept this entire section of the newspaper (the Food section, as a matter of fact,) so he could show my mom the recipes he wanted her to try. What the hell? He has two hands and half a brain, he can make that shit himself. And he was so close to not fucking up with BJ, but then two nights ago at dinner he had to be a jackass and piss me off and show BJ his true colors. Man, can I ever not wait to get outta here. Funny, I had so much more to talk about. Oh! The rest was about Dawson's tonight, so I'll save that for next time.
17 May
0043 hrs
*I go home to the coast. It starts to rain I paddle out on the water alone. Taste the salt and taste the pain; I'm not thinking of you again. Summer dies and swells rise. The sun goes down in my eyes. See this rolling wave darkly coming to take me home. And I've never been so alone; and I've never been so alive.* -3EBHAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!Wow. What a big lot of stuff I have to say. I hope I can get it all out before I get sick of typing. I went and said good-bye to Craig Friday night. That was surprisingly hard. I bought him Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. He's been talking about reading it since last semester, and I really enjoyed it. I think he will, also. If you haven't read it, I strongly suggest doing so. It will change your life.
And I bought Craig a card that on the front had that quote, "The great man is he who does not lose his child's heart." I wanted to get him the children's book I give everyone at graduation, but the stupid Barnes & Noble in Grand Junction didn't have it. So, I settled for the children's card. Craig's graduated by now and is getting ready for his stint in the Peace Corps. His first duty is in Kazakhstan. I'm excited to hear his take on things out there. I guess, mostly, it was hard to say good-bye to Craig because saying good-bye to him was the first real step in admitting next year will be different. I cried to BJ for a long time before we left, because I knew Craig would be upset if I cried while we were there. After we left, I cried again. I've lost so much of my closeness with Craig this semester. I never went over to his apartment after Christmas break. I was really busy a lot, and so was he, but that's not really an excuse to miss out on being his friend. But, there's no hard feelings now. Craig gave me a children's book. It's a Slovakian children's tale. I really like it. I miss Craig, still, and part of me still wants to cry. I wonder when our next hello will be. I'm finishing this update 16 May, 1612 hrs. Perhaps I'll write the rest of what I had to say in my next update.
13 May
2258 hrs
*oh god, i wish it wasn't me standin' in these shoes.* -jbjSeriously, Bon Jovi fuckin' rocks the house. These Days is one of my favorite CDs of all time.This weekend I've been all about talkin' 'bout my favorite CDs. Tigerlily by Natalie Merchant is another one of my favorites. And definitely some David Wilcox. (I don't 'spect y'all to know him.) It's 2100 on my last night at skool this semester and my room is looking better and worse all at once. All the sudden I've realized that really, my computer isn't that important, and it needs to be packed. But my stereo is way important, and it will be the last thing packed. I learned that seriously, never buy an entire can of coffee. It will go unused. Trust people enough to leave your doors open, but not so much that everyone knows they're open. Blasting punk covers for two hours straight is a good way to release energy. (Unless the CD(s) are scratched, 'cuz that's just annoying.) Playing big blue ball (or whatever your game of choice is,) with your friends as much as possible is more important than homework, meetings, the internet, TV shows and phone calls. Pictures are the most important thing of all. Always spend the couple extra bucks to get doubles. Never wait to talk about things; tomorrow is always too late. It's okay to kiss your friends. I could ramble on for hours with tips I've learned this year. I think the most surprising thing I've learned, though, is (as Beth said,) that I can be friends with girls. It's crazy. I've learned so much from 4 girls. I learned some from the various boys that have wandered in and out and in and out and in my life this year, but not nearly as much as I've learned from Val and Amanda and Stites and Mel. I haven't cried, yet. Beth cried this morning when her significant other left, and I wondered if there's something wrong with me for not feeling sad that so few of us will be here to do this again next year. But I look at the prospects for tomorrow and this summer and next semester, and I'm overwhelmed with the possibilities. And I'm sad, yes, for everything that is this year that won't be next year. But that's how it is with life. I guess I'm used to it. Since my assclown of a boyfriend is helping someone else, I'm going to go prove a point and carry my as-heavy-as-I-am luggage out to my cah. And my heart bled within me; for you can only be free when even the desire of seeking freedom becomes a harness to you, and when you cease to speak of freedom as a goal and a fulfillment. You shall be free indeed when your days are not without a care nor your nights without a want and a grief, But rather when these things girdle your life and yet you rise above them naked and unbound.
-Kahlil Gibran Interesting, isn't it?
11 May
2057 hrs
*she brushed her hair back and said, "let's not talk about the past." how cool is that?* -agYay! I'm all done with finals. I think I might have just kicked my math final's ass.Tonight BJ, his boyfriends, Man, Bal, Mel and I are going to Old Chicago to watch the Avs spank the kings. Yeah, that's right. The Avs will win. I'm really excited to go out with everybody. It should be a lot of fun. Turns out I need to figure out how to fit the following into my Golf: stereo and speakers, computer and monitor, fridge, two pieces of luggage, laundry bag & hamper. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON THERE. It should be interesting to see, though. And given that I'll be the last one out of our building (Saturday afternoon/Sunday morning,) I'll be making about a bazillion trips out. Hooray. This update bites, but I totally don't have anything to talk about right now. Maybe later.
09 May
1339 hrs
*He said "I love you, and I always will." She caught her breath; her heart stood still. They'll always be together. At least until the world turns. She went to college; he stayed home. Talked every night on the telephone, but love can't live on words alone when the world turns.* -trWow. We had our end of the year banquet this afternoon/evening, and I don't know what to say. I'm half crying, half smiling.The experiences of this year, all my memories, just pounded my heart with force like I've never felt before. Our first hall council meeting, outside with the cops on campus and Garrett Michael flirting with the ladies. My first time meeting Val. The first time I went to Stites for help. The first drive home with Amanda. The first time BJ held my hand in public. The first Mario Kart marathon with the boys. The van ride to IACURH, talking to Stiles about Matchbox Twenty's evolution in music. Hall council's programs, CRA's programs, RLS' programs. The tears and the laughter and the shouting and the whispers and the secrets and the signs. Everything hitting me all the sudden, forcing me to recognize the end of the year. Our hall council won Hall Council of the Year. We busted our asses for that award. Pinon had such a bad reputation, and I think we helped that a little bit. We fought and we sometimes felt unmotivated, but we stuck together. We stuck it out. Bal won hall council member of the year. Of course she did. Of course she is. She's dedicated and happy and fun to work with. She was also inducted into National Residence Hall Honorary (NRHH.) Pinon won Best Community Service Program for Stick It To The Staff™ in December. Matt won for RA of the Year. Overall, it was an awesome day for our hall. I feel better now, but have a feeling I'll start crying again once I write the next couple paragraphs. Craig got up and gave a speech as he is one of seven graduating seniors on staff. He's an awesome speaker. He's passionate and funny. He talked about socks and their metaphorical relation life. He talked about what's important in college, and in life. And at the end of his speech he said something like, "And college isn't lived, life isn't lived, if you haven't found some ..." And where the periods are he named off some people. And I guess, for me, college isn't college without the Valerie Pleiss' or the Amanda Peterson's or the Erin Stites' or the Matt Dahl's or the Kelli Rehder's or the Melody Drake's or the Garret Michael Branson's or the Craig Engstrom's. Especially the Craig Engstrom's. Because they remind me that life is just life, but people are more. And, as he had in our speech during training, Craig moved me to tears. A big part of my closeness with him has somehow slipped away into my memories and journal entries, but I thought right then...what will it be like without him next year? Who will be next year's Craig? Who will be my next Craig? I've never been good at good-byes. Even when I left high school, which was arguably the best day of my life, I felt some sadness, some twinge of guilt for leaving behind the pain and anger. And even though this isn't a good-bye, isn't even close, it is an ending. It's the end of a chapter in my college life, and it's sad. I'd like to find the people I need to find and hug them and tell them the things I need to say and cry if I need to cry, but I wouldn't be able to express the emotion I'm trying to convey. And in that group of people tonight, surrounded by RAs and Desk Attendants and Hall Council members and CRA members, I recognized that there was no competition. It didn't matter who won or who lost, because everyone in there is important. And as there was no competition, there was no shame or embarrassment. When a gigantic picture of me with curlers and a robe and slippers on was put up on the auditorium wall during our slide show, it didn't matter, because no one in there even cared. We've all been there, in some form or another, before. This completes my third year of college, but the first that I've ever really learned anything. The things I've learned are too many to name, but I think the most important is names. Learn names. It's the easiest thing you can do for someone, learning his/her name, but it--often times--is the most important. Names and a sense of humor. That's all you need. Sometimes, it's all there is.
06 May
1800 hrs
*and i wonder how my world would look without you* -the juliana theoryI read this really funny page on how to come up with an emo band name.Sorry I haven't updated in so long. I moved all the April entries to Pitas, 'cuz I like their archive method better. Needless to say, it took me a big minute to do so. Perhaps this month I'll start sooner. We may be a thousand miles apart, but I'll be with you wherever you are. I'm already there. Sarah and I got in a big argument the other day, and consequently Ben and I got in a big fight. (That reminds me, I need to put my links back in.) I got everything off my chest as far as Sarah goes, though. I thought she was a tad shitty and untruthful during our argument, but I probably was, too. Although, all of what I said was truthful. She told me that it was hard dating Ben 'cuz it was never just Ben & Sarah in the relationship. I was always there. I told her that it was naive of her to think it would be just the two of them, given I have always been such a big part of his life. She claims that she told Ben not to talk to me while they were dating 'cuz I "kept trying to date him" while they were together. Which is a big buncha horseshit. He initiated things with me that May weekend. And when he decided he didn't want to be together after all, I tried to change his mind, 'cuz that's what I felt was right. But he told me to get over him, and I worked at that. It's a buncha he said-she said, but I know what happened. And maybe it's the reason things are still fucked up today. Matt's coming here in June to see Radiohead at Red Rocks. I don't know that the reality of that has hit me, yet. I'm excited to see him, to be able to hang out with him, but I don't know what to feel. Given that our hanging out is going to step on some toes (even if they're just in my imagination,) I feel sort of shitty being happy that he's coming out here. I wish I didn't always need something new. Ben gives me a lot of grief about it. I don't know what it is. Maybe I just need to lighten up. Man, Tracy Chapman's, "The Promise" is such a freakin' awesome song. Maybe I'll actually send out a notify about this entry. ::laughs into the sunset::
06 May
0137 hrs
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