*you read my eyes just like your diary. oh, remember. please remember. well, i'm not a beggar, but what's more.. if i hurt you, then i hate myself. don't wanna hurt you. why do you chew your pain? if you only knew how much i love you. i won't be your winter. i won't be anyone's excuse to cry. we can be forgiven; i will be here.*
Others.
Communication is Essential Crush of the Moment:
Just for Laughs
i love
'brings
andreas
andrew
ben
bookhag
erin
getlost
girls-suck
honeypie
james
mark
mocksie
unitedwesuck
xhael
Say something.
AIM
sign me
Books of the Moment:
Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, Tom Robbins,
A is for Attitude, Patricia Russell-McCloud
She Who Hears the Sun, Pamela Jekel
Song of the Moment:
Your Winter, Sister Hazel
CD of the Moment:
My new mix
Top 4 Comics:
4. Luann
3. Bizarro
2. Rhymes With Orange
1. The Boondocks
pitas
RoR
marines
soldiers
sailors
my boys
google
writethisdown
RLAR
-1 # blog girls ? +1
-1 | CollegeBlog | +5
Drunk Driving Kills!
Me:
The pages of history:
disclaimer-ish thing
@ RoR
I am feeling:
soundtrack
july - fumbling for words
august - school starts
him - 'cuz i had to get it out
september - trying to recover
october - rambling. still
early nov - death?
iacurh - leadership & inspiration
late nov - confusion continues
december - fights
january 01 - soundtrack, poem
february - too much time ttogether
*i guess it's meant to be, forever you and me, after all.* -c&pc
that song rocks.
let's see. today sucked, pretty much. except for that i gotta lotta food for skool. other than that here's what happened:
dad called to cancel our dinner plans. like always. he's such a damn jackass.
ison bailed on our plans to go bowling. again, like always. ma says it's 'cuz she's sick. and like, all she has to do is tell me she's sick. and i won't like, be bitchy or anything. but when she comes up here with an attitude, pickin' a fight and shit, you're damn right i'm going to be pissed off. i guess this gives me an opportunity to go to bed early. or something. maybe i'll bowl on nbci.com. or maybe i'll just be a big crybaby and pout the rest of the night, while drinking my clearly canadian. whichever.
way to suck, family.
31 Mar 2109 hrs*i don't know why they say grown men don't cry.* -timmy
i'm sorta sad i didn't have the opportunity to update last night, 'cuz i had a lot on my mind. i still do...it's just now i'm hella tired and would rather be doing something else.
gram & pa came over for dinner last night. that was interesting. it always sort of sucks to have them over for dinner, 'cuz tonio always has to be the center of attention. man, he's such a jackass.
and, pa's slowly getting worse. he remembers stuff from the '70's and '80's, but struggles remembering people i brought home in november. it's really sad. but, y'know, he says he feels okay. and that's all that really matters.
i talked to noah yesterday for more than three minutes for the first time in forever. i don't know how i feel about it, yet. i mean, at the time it made me really sad. i cried and cried and cried after we were done talking. but now that i read back over things, it isn't that bad. he just needed to say a lot of shit. y'know? 'cuz he like, keeps it all bottled up 'till he's ready to talk about it. and if it isn't convenient for me (or anyone else,) that doesn't matter. and it shouldn't.
he said to me, "Tell me the most traumatic story about why trust is so crucial to me. can you remember" i told him probably not. which isn't to say that i don't recall a lot of the shitty things that he told me have happened to him. but when one hears all those shitty things, i guess it's hard for me to remember which he would label as the most shitty. and, given that i find remembering what people tell me so damn important, it really pisses me off that i can't remember what he thinks i should.
he also said, "i have many promises to keep and miles to go before i sleep." celine dion. that's a really good song. an awesome love song.
i remember when noah was so angry at god. and i just kept telling him to hang in there. but now that i talk to him and sort of hear his detachment from life and emotion, i wonder why in the world god did pick him. y'know? 'cuz that sickness to one of the best men i've ever met...it just flipped him inside out...and how is that fair? or right? but.. there was a lesson learned, and a bridge was burned, as billy ray would say. and i'm not real sure what the lesson is, yet. and i don't know that he's sure, either. but there were definitely bridges burned.
he told me he loved me yesterday for the first time in at least six months. and i guess mostly it just surprised me. i've never doubted that noah loves me. i questioned why a few times, but never doubted that he did. i don't think anyone who knew us back then would have questioned our love. it was just weird actually hearing it. yesterday of all days was the last day like, i expected him to be all, "love you." but i'm glad he did.
i'm glad we talked. i really missed him.
31 Mar 1011 hrs*ten years older and i've finally found my pride. this old man comes rolling home to die. old feelings make it hard to decide just what it means to me.* -8S7
so tired.
went to lunch with ison and pa today. i had found a note from ma to tonio from like, '85 the other day, and it's been bothering ison and i, 'cuz we couldn't really remember the exact year our parents broke up. i mean, i know i was like.. 8. so i asked pa today when our folks split up and he said it was '87 or '88.
so, this note (that is really gross and i don't want to think about) was written two or three years before my parents even broke up! what the hell kind of homewrecker IS tonio? and he had the nerve to talk shit about my dad? eff that. so not happy about my living arrangement now.
but...pa and ison and i had an otherwise good lunch. apparently i ask a lot of questions.
i really respect one of BJ's friends. he ALWAYS asks questions. like, if he doesn't understand something, or if he doesn't know what something is, he'll ask. he isn't the least bit scared that people are going to think him obnoxious or stupid. i really respect that.
have you guys ever had Peach Dreamery Ice Cream from Dreyers? it's so good. dreamy, as a matter of fact. and peachy.
can i tell you guys how funny andrew is? here's a little snippet of his last mailing he sent to his notify list: *I just got an email from the mp3.com newsletter thing, and the subject line was "Fart Music Greetings, Personal Song Picks & More!". I haven't gone to find the page in question or sent, but I think realizing that a real multimillion dollar company sent the following paragraph to it's customers in an official email might go a long way to explaining why the web is in such bad shape:--------------------
Send a Fart to a Friend
Yes, we've got a classical, gassical assortment of fart Music Greetings sure to delight your friends and loved ones. Go ahead: Download the brownload!
---------------------------
The last sentence is what I want it to say on my tombstone. *
i find that wildly entertaining. he kicks ass. (even though he loves diaryland way more than he loves pitas.)
now. i'm in negotiations with a very important company currently, so i'm going to have to say au revoir to you lovely people. unless you're on my notifylist, in which case, i'll talk to you soon.
29 March 2215 hrs*showin' off your ass, 'cuz you're thinkin' it's a trend. girlfriend, let me break it down for you again. you know i only say it 'cuz i'm truly genuine. don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem. baby girl, respect is just a minimum.* -lh
man. this is definitely not a good sign. so, i woke up this morning and had the cramps from hell. took some advil and my cramps kicked the advil's ass. definitely hatehatehate cramps like this.
boys and their stupid groin pulls. and their ACL tears. bah. "i'll eat your dog for BREAKFAST, larry!"
yay! i get to go eat with ison and pa today. i better start getting ready.
oh-ho-kay. peace out.
29 Mar 1006 hrs*well, you're a real tough cookie with a long history of breakin' little hearts like the one in me.* -pb
man, i really suck lately. TV has roped me in. i even meant to go on a walk today. ison bailed on me, though.
okay, shows i watched tonight: boy meets world on disney. ed on nbc. and boot camp on fox. (i know. i feel bad for me, too.)
ison really likes BMW, and i always liked it on TGIF on ABC. it's cute. corey and topanga rule.
and ed. who doesn't love ed? honestly. so, tonight was sort of interesting. the whole premise was the gym teacher was gonna fail the nerd 'cuz the nerd wasn't performing well. and ed's cute little girlfriend had beef with this, being that the smart kid was her favorite student. so ed goes and talks to said gym teacher and gym teacher says: what if a kid doesn't understand math? what if he shows up, tries hard, and still fails the test? does he get a B, just because he tried? the argument before this was that some kids just aren't athletically inclined. and if nerd-kid shows up and tries hard, shouldn't he get a passing grade, not the D the teacher was going to give him?
good point, i thought to myself. good point by the teacher.
so we watch s'more and come to find out that carol (ed's cute girlfriend) failed one of coach's jocks like, six years ago, thus he couldn't play basketball, thus he missed the scouts, thus he never had a shot at college, thus he now works at a convenience store. so, now coach is getting pay-back, essentially.
and like, i of all people definitely do not think jocks should get preferential treatment. that's just shitty. but if you think about a kid who's smartsmartsmart and can do whatever he wants--regardless of what college he gets into--and then you think of a jock whose only opportunity to make it as something might be through sports, does it matter THAT much that he knows the rules of grammar?
i'm so ashamed that i watched boot camp. how sad am i? it was actually kinda cool, though. i definitely woulda voted the pig farmer off, though. she's dead weight.
ben and i talked for a big minute today. we've been getting along really well lately. i hope things continue to go well once i'm back at skool.
it's now 0100...i played this stupid-ass game at lottery.com for like, fifteen hours tonight. now i'm tired.
need sleepy.
i heard the funniest quote on drew carey tonight. i think i'll share it with my notifylist people, 'cuz they're cool enough to want to know when i update.
28 Mar 2148 hrs*in my life i've been hammered by some heavy blows that never knocked me off my feet. all you gotta do is smile at me and down i go. and baby, it's no mystery why i surrender...you got everything* -b&d
FBH sucks. seriously. so, i really hate pictures of couples kissing. like, you know how EVERY couple you know has that/those picture(s) of them kissing? how annoying is that? why do you need to immortalize the fact that you kiss this person? good lord. it's like bronzing shoes, or something.
so, FBH (since she thinks she's funny,) sent me a picture of her and her boyfriend kissing. and she's all, "email." and i knew what the eff it was. she just thinks she's all cute 'n shit. we'll see when she gets back. i'll come straight out of pacifism to beat her ass.
THEN she threatened to send me pictures of their hickeys. how gross is that?
how gross are hickeys to begin with. first of all, why would one WANT to suck on someone's body? that's so icky. and then, why would person with the hickey not like, put make-up or someshit on it to cover up the fact that there's a nasty-ass bruise from someone sucking all the blood to one general area of their body? honestly.
hickeys = bad.
i didn't do crap today. got my hair cut. that was fun. my hair dresser is a trip.
ison and i hung out a little.
i got a new book! icy sparks. i was gonna give you kids a link to it at bn.com, but they have frames set up, and it won't like, take you there. but anyway...the book's really good.
that's about all. ison has to call her boyfriend now, so i'm being relegated second priority, thus being kicked offa the phone line.
hickeys = gross.
27 Mar 1957 hrs*they ain't got nothin' on us.* -jmm
woohoo! i have a hot date friday night. we're going bowling. i hope he doesn't mind losing to a girl.
i hate it when boys cry.
26 Mar 2107 hrs*no disrespect to my doggs, but i love y'all broads.*
i admit it. i like "project chick." how sad.
what is the point of boxing? ben loves it. i don't understand the appeal of a buncha big stupid men pounding each other. i tell you what, women may do a lot of stupid things, but at least we don't consider beatin' the crap outta one another an okay solution to arguments. not that boxing is a solution to arguments. and i understand that boxers have to train and learn technique and whatever. i just think it's gross.
my parents always used to watch fights when we were kids. like, ison and i would be hanging in our rooms (as always,) and M&T would watch boxing. i just think it's sick. definitely my least favorite sport.
i typed out a bid for tonio tonight. i dunno...i don't mind doing shit for him, it's just that he always ends up acting like i do NOTHING, if i'm not helping around the house. like, granted, i don't work 60-70 hours a week like mom does, but i do a pretty fair amount'a shit around skool. and i keep my grades up. and i worked ALL the time, starting with when i was 15. this is the only 8-9 months i have had in the past 6 years that i haven't worked. and it isn't like i'm going to be lazy and outta work my whole life. (okay, i lied. i am. but only 'cuz he said i could.) cripes. my house sux.
didn't get to talk to ben at all today. we talked for a bit this afternoon when he got home from stupido, but then ison came home and hadda use the 'puter. (she hadda go bafroom.) (isn't it interesting how i can be so anal about grammar/spelling/punctuation and then totally butcher the english language?) then we talked for a bit tonight, but he had to go watch some video or something. and i got all bitter about that. i'm such a whiny baby lately.
gross.
26 Mar 1942 hrs*i know i made you cry, but baby, if i could turn back time...* -cher
i think tonight i shall curl up with Even Cowgirls Get The Blues and some tea and not worry about anything. i didn't bring any homework with me over spring break, but there's definitely stuff i can be doing around the house. i'll save that for tomorrow when no one's home to bug me about it.
ma made pork chops 'n mashed potatoes 'n shoepeg corn for dinner tonight. yum.
again, i would just like to reiterate the fact that i really can't stand it when people don't pay attention. like, i understand that it's nearly impossible to remember everything someone says, let alone everything a lot of people say, but please make an attempt to listen to what people tell you. it's important.
it's really weird how lately one little thing can piss me off enough to make me not want to talk to anyone for hours.
i wish it weren't so effing snowy and cloudy and cold here. 'cuz if it weren't, i'd go for walks in the morning and afternoon to help clear my mind.
i haven't talked to my friends in a big minute. i mean, i've spoken with them, but we didn't really talk. it makes me sad sometimes the length of time that we can go between like, actually talking to each other. i've felt lately like i don't really have anyone to talk to. and i know that isn't the case. i mean, FBH is busy out in VA, and bal's playing with her family. i could call either of them and talk, but i don't know what i have to talk about.
i just feel like there's something i need to say.
perhaps i will bond with my journal-journal some tonight. it's so much easier for me to just write here, so my regular journal gets neglected sometimes. but there's a lot i can write in that journal that i can't write here, just 'cuz i don't want people to be able to read everything i have to say. 'cuz i hate judgment.
i think i'm sort of sad that i haven't talked to BJ in a few days. i mean...all of like, 3 days. how girl-ish of me.
i've been being a shithead to ben lately. i'm not really sure why. i have every intent of being nice to him every single time we talk, and then something that he says just pulls a trigger somewhere inside me and i get all pissed off and don't want to talk to him.
and that's extra shitty given that i know how hard it is for him to talk to me at all right now. and that like, he's in the worst position of all three of us. and y'know, like, he's my best friend. i should be able to differentiate between our friendship and any former relationships we've had...and any future relationships we might have.
i've been praying a lot lately for god's help. like, to help me find the middle of all this...where i can still want to be with BJ, and have a friendship with ben, too. to help me find patience and understanding and compassion and love.
'cuz i don't know how much longer he'll put up with my shit.
25 Mar 1926 hrs*you can fall for chains of silver. you can fall for chains of gold. you can fall for pretty strangers, and the promises they hold...* -ds
i'm writing this entry in a damn email on AOL, 'cuz AOL's browser is such a piece of shit that it won't load any fucking webpages. not to mention the fact that since i have to run explorer through AOL, it won't load any pages, either. my next skool better have some fucking non-dial-up connections. i seriously have exited and signed off of AOL about ten times in the past half hour to see if that fixes it. no such luck. eff this.
it also won't load instant messenger. i hate this.
and i'm in such a shitty mood now. all 'cuz a fucking webpage won't load. i feel like i'm fucking bi-polar. and lord knows i know this isn't a big deal. like, of all the things i could get pissed at, i pick the fact that AOL won't load some freakin' webpages? way to pick my battles, as my dad would say.
i cleaned my room like a mother tonight. it was really weird. it's all nice and vacuumed now, and less of a pain in the ass to my asthma/allergies. i don't know why my family thinks it's okay to leave my door open while i'm gone, thus allowing our dogs to sleep RIGHT ON MY SHEETS.
i seriously keep trying like, every three minutes to load pitas to put this stupid entry up so i can go to my room, but it won't work. steve case sucks.
did you know there's actually anti-company websites. i'm sure you all did, 'cuz you're up on current events like that. there's untied.com in honor of our favorite airline, united. and starbucked.com in honor of our favorite commercialized coffee haus, starbucks. it's such a shame that i'm so in love with starbucks' caramel machiattos. mmm.
ma and tonio brought home M&D's BBQ for dinner tonight. man, people from the ghetto know how to cook some ribs, that's all i have to say. and like, other people can do it okay...but man, there's nothin' like ribs and some homemade bar-b-que sauce from the middle of the city to quench an appetite. i wish i could have known tonio's mom for a greater amount of time, so she coulda taught me how to cook some real soul food. ribs 'n potato salad 'n baked beans 'n peach cobbler. peach cobbler with more peaches than dough, and some cinnamon. that's what life's all about.
there's peach cobbler from say like, black-eyed pea...and there's peach cobbler that takes some doin'. and some appreciation. that's what i'm talkin' about.
food is so cool. my favorite little cousin lauren-the-tomboy told me once that food is the reason she was put on earth. that's my girl.
ben and i talked for a big minute last night. i cried, he cried...i'm not sure we ever really reached any decisions or anything. i'm not sure we're really at peace with our current situation. but things are right now the way they have to be. and i'm still standing firm in my relationship with BJ. i think we'll be okay, though, ben and i.
okay, so there's this song that i love.. it's called "Two Hundred Years". it's sung by this lady Cathy Cornell. and i've only ever heard her music on one radio station...and only that one song. but it's so cool, that song is. if i got that song on CD and died the next minute, i woulda died happy 'cuz it's been driving me b-a-t-t-y that i can't find it anywhere.
47 minutes since i last signed off, and alas, AOL still will not let me load a freakin' webpage. but it's cool. i got to talk to james and john tonight, so everything is good.
i'm going to go watch my cousin play some baseball tomorrow in the cold-ass pseudo-spring foothills. they better win. :]
24 Mar 2200 hrs*i keep it real, ma. i keep it realla than real.* -jay-z
don't hate.
my first day home wasn't bad. i slept a lot. not like, a LOT LOT, but a pretty fair amount. there has to be some medical correlation between the amount of sleep one gets and the number (or occurence) of nightmares one has. 'cuz i swear...when i sleep more, i have nightmares more frequently. and i bet the big lot of you logic-based people who read this are thinking, "obviously. more sleep gives more opportunities for nightmares." but it isn't that. it's that if i sleep more... like, more than say five or six hours in a 24-hour period, i have nightmares. more nightmares than i have dreams. sometimes it's related to new medicines i take...but i had two nightmares in the past day. scary.
i haven't been able to talk to ben lately without being annoyed. and part of it is that he asks SO MANY QUESTIONS. but part of it, too, i think, is that i just have it programmed into my mind to be über-sensitive to what he says. and 'cuz of that i'm über-negative sensitive. i don't know. it's sort of like...i had it programmed in my mind to be hella in love with him for the past however many years. i dunno...that's the only way i can explain it. and it isn't really anything he's done, per se. it's just that i don't enjoy talking to him. and that's really selfish of me, 'cuz i know i'm being extra obnoxious to him and he just like...takes it. i think he's just a better person than i.
i haven't heard from FBH yet to tell me she got to her destination okay. i hope she did.
ison won us tickets to see outkast next friday; that should be fun. their diary on MTV was so hella funny. andre 3000 rules.
the fam went out to dinner last night. we had yummy steaks. that was fun, 'till tonio (as usual) ruined things. he's such a gigantic, insecure, stupid baby that if ison, mom and i are having fun without him, he has to ruin it to make himself feel better. the three of us were laughing and talking and ma was fixin' to sign the tab so we could go home, and he says, "sign it! hurry up and sign it! fading fast!" as if ma taking five more seconds to listen to ison and i finish our stories would have caused him to pass out in the effing restaurant.
he's being a shithead to ison. for those of you who don't know how it works in my house, it goes a little something like this: one of us kids does something to piss tonio off. tonio gets mad at said daughter. tonio doesn't speak to said daughter. tonio acts like complete ass to said daughter. to other daughter, tonio is overly nice.
now...since ison and i were forced to form an alliance when we were kids, of course we're going to choose the other one over him. (not like even if we did hate each other, we'd pick him anyway...) so both daughters choose to annoy tonio as much as we want. most of the time making it a game to see who he can stay mad at the longest. 'cuz, you see, when he's mad at us, he's not talking to us...thus making our lives kick ass.
i digress.
he's being a shithead to my sister, and trying to be all nice to me. yeah right. if he's going to be an ass to her, i'm going to be an ass to him.
so anyway. tonio's a big baby.
i think tomorrow i shall clean my room. i tried to figure out why the effing speakers for our computer won't work, but that didn't happen. at least before, they would work a little bit, but now they won't come on at all. and i can't find the stupid sheet on how they're s'posta be connected (even though i know i have 'em hooked up correctly,) 'cuz our stupid office/study-type thing is a friggin' mess. and, also, 'cuz since tonio doesn't use the computer, he likes to throw away/hide all the computer literature stuff. he's such a grown-up.
oh...and also tomorrow maybe i'll wash my car. unless it's poopy weather, in which case i won't do anything and blame it on mother nature. 'cuz i like to do that. do nothing. i like to do that.
23 Mar 2042 hrs*well, i really shoulda known by the time you drove me home, by the vagueness in your eyes, the casual good-bye. by the chill in your embrace, the expression on your face that told me maybe you might have some advice to give on how to be insensitive.* -ja
math sux.
i studied for a big minute tonight. i got all my homework for class done. now i just hope i'm ready for el test tomorrow.
ben kinda pissed me off today. i think i'm over it, though.
for the record, if you tell me you're going to be somewhere at a certain time, i expect you to be there. unless you call/email. (i think this only has relevance to like...4 people who read this.) when people stand others up, it makes me think that the people doing the standing up think their time is much more important than the other person's.
let's see...it appears notifylist.com is finally working after a multi-day hiatus. i guess i'll wrap this up and send a little notification to my lovelies on my list.
peace out.
21 Mar 2121 hrs*i guess she thought the truth would end up driving me away...* -wh
David Spade: Are you or are you not the black angel of death?
Chris Farley: Without question.
DS: Don't agree with me; it only pisses me off more.i think i can grow to hate this town. "and why not," as FBH would say.
they sweep their streets at two-thirty in the morning here. 02:30! that would most definitely wake me up, even if i WASN'T already up that late.
my hall has now had 25 fire alarms this year. 25! we had one last night at 03:32. we got three trucks (with lights and sirens) and a little sheriff fire cop guy SUV-type thing. (it had lights, too.) and i know some snide motherfucker was standing out there with us, complaining about being woken up and how chilly it was, who had just pulled it. our (HOT!) friend on the first floor has decided that if he ever finds out who pulled it, he's going to "kick they ass. then i'm gonna tattle on 'em."
yikes! i just went out on our balcony to test the temperature today (hot, hot, hot!) and some crazy bird about flew in my room!
what the hell is wrong with this place?!
i made another kick-ass mix CD last night. i just hope that the CDs we used are RWs, 'cuz some assclown fool cut the end of 'Me & Bobby McGee' off, so it's all, "lalalalala--". the end. sux.
i guess now that i'm awake, i'll go take a shower and get ready for lunch/bowling. if this day sucks as much as last night did, you'll see me on CNN tonight. look for me!
21 Mar 0855 hrs::hugs andreas::
::hugs james::
::prays silently::
20 Mar 2125 hrs*the river of regret runs deep and wide here on the safe side.* -cc
happy first day of spring!
today was such a good day!
let's see...
-i talked to ben this morning and got things worked out with him. that was good.
-didn't go to goelogy. (oops.)
-i aced my math homework from last week, AND my quiz today.
-i found out a friend of mine is transferring next year, too, and he'll only be a few hours away from me! yay!!
friends of mine who applied for (and received) RA positions:
bal
GMB
casey mac
brina
how awesome is that?!?
and, of course, BJ will be an RA again. he seems to be pretty happy with his placement.
a few friends of mine applied and didn't get jobs, though, and of course that makes me sad. :[
i'm also sort of sad 'cuz bal and FBH left today for spring break. i know i'll see 'em in two days, but it just makes me sad that they won't be here. everyone has those friends who they just are with a lot. and like, it makes me sad that i won't just be able to go over to bal or amanda's rooms just 'cuz.
but i'm gonna talk to mom about going out to dinner with my friends thursday night. that'd be fun. fun for us, anyway. she'll say it probably wouldn't be fun for her.
so, yeah, today kicked ass, overall. i still have a prevailing feeling of sadness. like when i was depressed all the time. i hope it goes away soon.
02 days 'till i'm on the road home!
20 Mar 1518 hrs*the hardest to learn was the least complicated.* -ig
today was aight. FBH and i kicked the crazy purple ball around in the quad for a little bit before goelogy lab. then we went to lab and tried to understand our hard-ass lab that was due today. he gave us an extension 'till tomorrow morning, and i still don't get it. faults... dips... strikes... plunging... whatever. we went on a field trip in lab today. it was pretty fun. plus, turns out every time we go on a field trip, it adds 10% onto our grade, so i just might be sitting on a B in lab! crazy.
one of my friends' parents are getting a divorce. how sad. i don't really remember when my folks split up. i just remember my mom sitting on the couch with Ison and i, holding one of us at either of her sides, crying. i was 7 or 8. i've asked god for help .. to help me figure out what my friend needs me to do.
i don't believe in divorce. if i ever get married, i WILL NOT get divorced. i know everyone says that...but i won't even consider getting married to someone who i can't absolutely see myself spending the rest of my life being happy with.
Third Watch tonight was about compassion. it was pretty interesting. there's this one character who's just such an asshole. like.. completely discompassionate. and he's an EMT! but he had to go to sensitivity training and blahblahblah.
anyway...ben and i got in this big argument today, 'cuz i feel sometimes like he doesn't even attempt to understand other people's problems. and like, he makes fun of shit that i really don't find that funny. maybe it's just 'cuz i'm just über-sensitive to the struggle of different cultures. 'cuz i know that so many people actually have to like, TRY to be accepted. and they have to try to be liked. we aren't all fortunate enough to grow up in an uppity, white area. or..maybe we aren't all as unfortunate.
matay told me that he's more sensitive than i am. this is matay who told me--AND FBH--that we're unfuckable. and who likes to listen to and laugh at racist jokes. and who likes to make fun of gay people. yep. he's definitely more compassionate than i.
"i grew up in HELL, homeboy." -cuba.
okay, i really didn't.
mom worked shit-long hours to give me and ison (and tonio) the shit we wanted. i took care of ison, and she took care of me. we put up with tonio's abusive words and abusive hands.
we learned to wait to be spoken to. we learned to be thankful to get the hell out of our house. we learned to rebel. we learned to not trust our dad. we learned to not trust each other. we learned to deal with friendships dying, with pets dying. we learned to enjoy solitude.
we changed schools, kept secrets, and didn't cry.
and i thank god every day for the life i've led.
and somewhere along the line we learned empathy, and compassion. and i learned to stand up for the people who need to be stood up for. and stand up for the ones who don't, even.
on Third Watch tonight, Doc told Carlos that compassion is putting yourself second, if even that, and going from there. and that's what i always try to do. i know i sound shitty and bitchy a lot of the time when i write here, but i would honestly do anything for the people i love. and just about anything for people i don't know.
and i expect so much out of my friends sometimes that i think i forget everyone is human. and that maybe i should use my compassion and empathy to understand that everyone fucks up some time, and that i'm not perfect, and that i should probably give people credit.
i really love my friends. they kick ass.
bj came over somewhere in the middle of this entry...sometime when i was crying. and he just let me cry and talk and cry and talk...and i think more than most boys, it's hard for him when i cry, 'cuz he absolutely does not cry. he hasn't for 10 years. so i think sometimes when he sees so much sadness and emotion pour out of me, he doesn't know how to handle it. but he let me cry...and i feel better now.
a little.
19 Mar 2201 hrs*it feels like a ton of love, followed by a mountain of, emotions coming over me, to take complete control of me. and i get swept away, deeper in it every day. and lord, i swear that i'll never give you up. 'cuz girl you hit my heart with a ton of love. when we're apart you're in my heart, you're on mind, 'cuz our souls are connected.* -c. cagle
i wonder if pitas has fixed its little problem yet.
chris cagle. mmm. he sorta looks like tim mcgraw. only not married to a really hot chick.
didn't really do much today. haven't said word one to bal, yet. i'm not really very happy with her right now. turns out she and her girly-girlfriends went out last night, and she didn't invite FBH or me. i'm not really surprised that she didn't. i'm just sorta pissed. like.. i dunno. if i had any friends left over from high skool, and they came up here to kick it with me, i would most definitely insist that my friends from HS hang out with bal and FBH. just 'cuz, i dunno, neither is less important to me. and i just feel a lot less important to bal after this weekend. and i know that's irrational and stupid, and i know when i talk to her about it, things will get worked out 'n shit.. but right now i just feel shitty.
went to the mall with BJ and his parents today. that was funny. oh! and i went out to dinner with beej and his parents and his boyfriends tonight. that was okay. texas roadhouse ain't got nothin' on ruth's chris.
so now i shall go study some more math for my big stupid test on thursday.
04 days 'till i get to go home!
18 Mar 2032 hrs*hey, what you got that makes you want to be lonely? hey, what you got that makes it a better way to be? she said, "no, no, no, i can't get any love...* -cc
pitas was being really weird yesterday. hopefully it's done with that.
so, the shin-dig for clint last night was pretty fun. we hung out with a buncha rednecks, FBH and i did. BJ and i watched empire records before we left. then clint came to get me and as i was walking out, clint asked BJ if beej was going with us. i hadn't invited him, 'cuz it wasn't my party. so, anyway, BJ decided to go. we went to clint's friends' house and played this LONG-ASS game of cards. Hand and Foot, or something. i dunno. me and adam-the-redneck won, though, so i guess it was worth it.
ben's not talking to me. basically 'cuz i'm with BJ. 'cuz ben thinks BJ and i are going to be together forever. and like, that's a huge shot in the dark. i mean.. BJ's a good guy and all. a really good guy.. but he isn't ben. no one has been before, he isn't, no one will be.
i'm just shitty at long distance relationships anymore, since i've basically been attached to ben since my freshman year of high skool. and, quite frankly, i'm tired of it.
my relationship with BJ is the first really HAPPY relationship i've been in since forever. honestly. and yeah, i think we're heading toward the inevitable "so, i'm gonna be 1500 miles away. perhaps we should just walk away." talk. but not every relationship one gets into needs to be headed for marriage.
and like, i've apologized to ben and tried to make him see that what i'm doing now is no different than what he did to me for an effing YEAR. but apparently it's really unfair of me to pursue other options, but when he does it it's just "trying to figure out who's right" he's being so unfair.
so, anyway, he absolutely WILL NOT talk to me. and it's really pissing me off. like, at first i was mad. then i was really sad. now i'm back to being mad. really mad. and like, he's all, "i'll talk to you when i have something to say." what the sam hell is that all about? like he can just block me out like that?
i know things are really shitty for him right now, and probably the fact that he's blocking me out of his life is not making things any easier on him. but i'm tired of begging for his attention. i'm tired of crying and wondering when he's going to deem me important enough to talk to. when he's going to get over himself.
whatever, i guess. par for the damn course as of late.
17 Mar 1657 hrs*i just flipped off president george; i'm goin' to disneyland.* -dada
okay, first of all, xhael is such a hater. we have this little game where like, we call a song. so.. i'll be like, "Ooh! i call sister hazel's 'your winter'!" and from then on she can't ever use that song. like, in her profile, or in one of her journal entries, or whatever. but lately she SO HAS.
first it was kina. then it was the ranch's, "desiree". big-ups to anyone who knows and/or likes the ranch. they rock. or.. they did rock.. since they broke up. anyway. yeah, so she sucks.
i got a B on my goelogy test! isn't that crazy? i need to still do really well on the last two, since i failed the first one.
we're going out to a party for one of our redneck friends tonight, FBH and i are. bal has a couple-three of her girly-girlfriends in town, so we're being relegated to loserdom. not really. i haven't been off-campus in forever.
i'm really hungry. turns out we're going to eat. more later.
16 Mar 1700 hrs*if you wanna fly, come and take a ride. take a space ride with a cowboy.* -*n sync
have you guys seen that commercial for the make-a-wish foundation? the one with that kid and his family playing on the beach? and all the stuff he learned? and then he says, "it's the day we all got to forgot i'm sick."
it likes to break my little heart, that commercial does! quite sad.
'tis all.
14 Mar 1903 hrs*i'm gonna let him fly.* -dc
heh.
eric and his emotions.
"sarcastic respect for authority figures" is so funny.
14 Mar 1006 hrs*you woke up screaming aloud, a prayer from your secret god. you feed off our fears and hold back your tears. oh, you give us a tantrum and a know-it-all grin just when we need one, when the evening's thin* -sarah mac
so, i went to this program today presented by a boy i know. the program was about homosexuality and the coming out process and what happens, basically, before and after.
the thing that i found most important and disturbing was an exercise that went like this: we were each given a star. either pink, green, blue or yellow.
-in the middle of the star we put our names.
-on one arm of the star we put the person who's been there through everything. our best friend, i guess.
-the next arm was for a community we feel a part of. maybe a religion or a club on campus or our political affiliation. something like that.
-the next arm was for the family member we feel closest to.
-the next arm was for the job we most want in life.
-the last arm was for the stuff we really want to do. get a good job, get married, whatever.
while we were standing in the circle the presenter started picking out stuff on the arms. he said stuff like this: if you have a blue star, when you come out to your friends, they accept you. you are very lucky. if you have a yellow star, your friends are somewhat cautious, but they learn to accept you for you. if you have a green star, your friends are angry that you waited to tell them so long. fold the arm of your star back. if you have a pink star (which i did), your friends completely alienate you. they think being gay is disgusting and wrong. tear this arm of your star off.
we went through a similar process for all of the arms of our stars. when we got to the final arm, when it was the pink stars turns he said this: "you have lost everything. your best friends alienated you. you are not a part of any community. your family has also ostracized you. you have lost your job as a consequence of being homosexual. all you are left with are your hopes and dreams, the stuff you WANT to do with your life. you can't see past the depression and isolation, though. please tear up the rest of your star. you are part of the 20% of homosexuals who kill themselves yearly."
at that point, i was holding nothing. i stared at the ground, at the little triangles that used to be a part of my star, and wanted to cry at what was laying there. my two best friends, my Pa, my hopes and dreams, including my dream of becoming a mom. i know that bal and FBH would never disown me if i were a lesbian. but i would have been one of the five (or so) blue stars in a room of 35. some of my friends would have watched their friends laying in the middle of a circle, crumpled up.
i think the only family member who might have had a problem with me, were i gay, is tonio. and.. y'know.. i expect that type of shit out of him. i would also have been very lucky to have been born into such an understanding family.
i wanted to cry for the kids (42% of homeless teens!) who weren't accepted by their friends, families and communities, and who were made fun of, beat up, kicked out...
i wanted to cry for our presenter and my sister and the shit they have to go through everyday, that i will never ever have to experience, just 'cuz i'm straight.
i wanted to cry for a lot of reasons...and i still do.
i guess i'm really lucky. so are the majority of you. what a blessing life is.
13 Mar 1801 hrs*You can hide 'neath your covers and study your pain. make crosses from your lovers; throw roses in the rain. waste your summer praying in vain for a savior to rise from these streets* -bs
so, looks as if i'm transferring to CUP next year. yay! i can move in to the halls there 26 August, so i have about 5-1/2 months left here in good ol'...my state.
i'm really excited to go back east. tonio is all bubbly with stories about when he went to MIT and everything back east. i'll be about three hours away from my aunt & uncle in maryland. three hours away from my poodle, too. i'll be a little under six hours away from ben. other than the idea that i'll be 2000 miles away from anything i know, i'm the most excited about being so close to ben. we'll actually get to hang out sometimes. like, at least twice a month. yummy.
of course.. this means BJ and i will have to have another RDT (relationship determining talk, according to cosmo.) i think we both will come to the conclusion that we don't want to maintain a relationship once i'm gone. and that's okay. we're happy now (except when he's bitchy.) the rest will work itself out.
i'm pissed off at the politics at skool, but i shall talk about that once the "official" release has been made.
my goelogy lecture teacher is a drunk. yes, my friends. a drunk. i guess that's okay, so long as i don't continue to get 57.5% on his tests. i think i did decent on his test today. we shall see, though, 'cuz he likes to throw some questions on there that aren't on our review sheet. just for fun, or something.
i'm so happy this is my last gen-ed credit. eff that. :P
oh! noah sent me back my books. i'm so happy. it was an even trade, i guess. his picture for my books. i was quite sad that i had to give that picture back...but it's more important to him than it was to me. i'm glad he has it back.
13 Mar 1013 hrs*she looked down and her heart was gone. the train went west, but she stayed on in lonesome dove. . .back to back with the rio grande, a christian woman in the devil's land. she learned the language, and she learned to fight, but she never learned how to beat the lonely night...* -gb
an open (daily) prayer to God, said before meals:
dear Lord, thank you for this food. thank you for everything and everyone involved that brought it here today. thank you for the opportunity to eat three meals a day. thank you for the opportunity to have the choice of what to eat.
[this part is usually reserved for something different everyday.]
thank you for my beautiful friends. thank you for another beautiful day on earth.
please keep everyone safe. say hi to nana for me.
Amen.
12 Mar 1315 hrs*some rich men came and raped the land; nobody caught 'em. put up a bunch of ugly boxes, and Jesus, people bought 'em. and they called it paradise, the place to be. they watched the hazy sun sinking in the sea. we satisfy our endless needs and justify our bloody deeds, in the name of destiny and the name of God.* -eagles
RIP Chip.
wow. turns out i can go from like, yay to nothing in 6.0 seconds. don't be jealous.
i see none of you are utilizing the lycos nut. way to suck.
i've been thinking a lot about Pa lately. like, i read an email from him that was talking about how he's really happy with one of the stocks he bought 'cuz he's making all this money off of it and is going to continue to make money off it for a long time. and one part of it said, "I would like to make enough to get thru 2010 because by then I will be gone, [my gram] will have married some rich guy, and he can deal with it." and he will be gone by 2010. and that's really sad.
Pa's sort of like the glue that holds our family together. which isn't to say that once he dies, we'll all disperse and never talk to each other. but he's the one who is ALWAYS emailing all of us to check up and stuff.
and pa and i really have a special type of bond. closer--by far--than my bond with anyone else in my family. rivaled only, really, by my bond with ben. i remember when gram, ison, kevin (my cousin) and i went to clean out the condo last year. i cleaned out one of the upstairs bedrooms and brought back an entire box of books that had been Pa's. and i was really looking forward just to having them. there were a bunch of steinbecks, some rands, some hemingways, some maughams.. a bunch of others. but tonio, in one of his childish bitch-fits, threw the box away. i remember being so mad about that, i wouldn't talk to him for months. when i think about it, it still really pisses me off. makes me want to cry.
one of my most prized possessions..and probably the one thing i would grab from my house in the event there was a fire, is a jewelry box Pa made for me 3 Christmases ago. he made one for each of us granddaughters. i love that damn box. just 'cuz Pa made it. 'cuz he took all that time to make FOUR of them. 'cuz on the bottom he wrote, "For Sara Elizabeth [insert my last name here]. Made by her Pa, Christmas 1997." it was the best present ever.
and he knows i love him. he knows i love him the best of anyone. sometimes that just doesn't seem like enough, for everything he's given me and our family. i guess all i can do is thank God everyday for another day to love him and be with him. and try not to worry too much about when he's gone.
Mom used to come to my room a lot and catch me crying. and she would never understand why i was crying. it's like, it wasn't okay for me to cry over the time that i WILL have to spend without him. it wasn't okay to cry at the thought of him dying. but i can't do anything BUT cry at the thought of losing him. even though i recognize its inevitability.
so tired of talking about sad things.
*So as I send these final words into the nether-reaches of cyberspace, I pray they are chosen wisely, as I pray we find the world tomorrow as we left it today--or even a bit better. To all the peoples of Earth, I say with the utmost sincerity . . . peace.* -Huey in Aaron McGruder's comic strip The Boondocks
11 Mar 2101 hrs*something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself, makes me wanna lose myself in your arms. there's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast. hope this feelin' lasts the rest of my life.* -ck
hands up if you like chantal kreviazuk. ooh, ooh, i do! she rules.
i got an email recently from a girl asking me questions about like, ben and i, essentially. and what has happened between us and what will happen between us. she read my entries about him. she's in a similar situation now and it feels good to be able to answer her questions.
not that every situation is like my and ben's situation. not that anything is ever similar. but i expect there's some commonalities between her situation and mine. i shall be interested to hear more.
argued capital punishment with xhael last night. i dunno. i don't like arguing it. but i feel a lot better since i've done some research on it and can argue like, facts. i hate arguing with people who just argue FEELING and not facts/statistics. like, obviously a lot of arguments are passionately argued.. argued straight from the heart. but there comes a point when right or wrong sometimes comes down to law.
i played in the rayn/snow/hail/sleet TWICE today! it was SO FUN. first FBH, this boy and i played a little kick-the-psycho-ball-around. that was fun. BJ stood out and watched us for a while. he's cute.
then tonight the boys and i (and Bal, later) went and played some volleyball with a big-ass three-foot in diameter beach ball. that mother was HEAVY. you have no idea! it was fun. then we played some soccer with the same monstrous ball. it was REALLY cold. but i love the rayn. i like it when it's a *tad* warmer out, but it wasn't bad today/tonight.
tomorrow i have to do a lot of goelogy. don't worry, i mean to spell it that way.
hey, see that little nut-lookin' thing over there? <--
you can add something to it. click on the "Y'heard?" and add a little saying. it'll be fun.
interactive webpages forever.
wow. sleepy time.
10 March 2120 hrs*all my friends and lovers leave me behind, and i'm still lookin' for a girl.* -cc
yay! it was so nice here today. at least 60. and the sun shines right on my balcony from 11 or so 'till 4:30. so i went and took my marketing test (easy squeezy,) and came back here and played outside from like, 1 'till just now. it was fun. we played loud music.
half our hall was out in the quad throwing baseballs and footballs and frisbees. it was fun to watch everyone. i took a cute picture of stites, FBH, bal and melo-D. it's gonna be neat to see it.
but now i'm really tired and we have dinner in half an hour and hall council in an hour. maybe i won't take a nap tonight and just be really tired tonight around bedtime.
tonight's get-drunk-night, though, so i'm sure we're going to have a fire drill. down with alkys.
'kay, peace out.
08 Mar 1633 hrs*guess she stayed away 'cuz it's so hard for her to say we both had built our hopes up, but the love just slipped away. she's worried i might try to burden her with all the blame, for breaking up my heart as if she planned it from the start. just 'cuz that's the way some people do. oh, but i have been on her side of it, too. so i said, "don't feel ashamed. don't feel guilty for the pain. sometimes you build your hopes up and you fall back down again. the time we had was magic, and the love was not in vain. fallin' down's as common as the rain.* -dw
that's a lotta lyrics. but i really like that song. "Common as the Rain" by David Wilcox. check it out.
i've been meaning to link to girls-suck. turns out that page rules. i especially like the who likes who? entry. it's sort of a reminder that no one is ever NOT being thought of. no one is ever really alone.
more tomorrow.
07 Mar 2038 hrs*and i'm gonna need you down this yellow brick road. this ain't nothin' but a Heartbreak Town, square people in a world that's round. and they watch you dancin' without the sound* -dc
today wasn't bad. had a NACURH meeting tonight with my group. i'm on the banner committee. we're responsible for making a banner (obviously) that represents our skool within our region. this year, since the conference is at USC, the theme is "Becoming A Star". thus, our banner has to be in the shape of a star.
so we had a meeting last thursday and my group decided to meet again tonight and go over ideas. and like, from last friday 'till yesterday i've been going over this STUPID idea for like, an hour a day. and i couldn't get it to work.
but then like.. yesterday, i finally got it to work. and i presented my idea to the other two girls in my group and they both really liked it. i'm happy. so now we're into the design phase starting like.. next week. it's gonna be cool.
so yeah. that's all. i'm gonna go study marketing. again.
06 Mar 2104 hrs*a heart filled with love, more than enough to keep it strong.* -bd
do a search for "Perry Reese Jr" on google, and you'll find somewhere near 40 responses. but, does perry reese jr ring a bell with any of you? probably not. would it have with me, before tonight? no.
i have a subscription to sports illustrated. usually the only articles that ever reach me on a truly deep level are Rick Reilly's. and those only affect me when he decides to not be funny, and pen some tear-jerker about an athlete who died, or an athlete who has overcome amazing boundaries. usually the rest of the articles just don't get to me. truth, i subscribe to SI mostly for Reilly. i think he's funny.
but tonight i was reading the most recent issue and i came across an article written by Gary Smith entitled "Higher Education". it's about this (black) (catholic) coach at a (white) (amish) high school in Ohio. the coach, of course, was Perry Reese Jr. the article is 12 pages long. probably 6, if you take out all the pictures of "Coach" (as he was called,) his players, the Amish who--after finally giving into his love--never missed a game he coached, and the families he touched in the small town. six pages about a man who coached a tiny high school basketball team in ohio.
it's quite possibly the saddest story i've ever read in my life. sad because one of God's miracles died too young. sad because there's so few men like Coach. sad because i know so few people who have ever been as touched by ONE person as this town was by him. and as i, too, have been touched, posthumously, by him.
Coach taught kids how to play basketball. but more importantly he taught kids how to love. he taught adults how to love. he broke the racial barriers set up 200 years ago. he broke religious barriers set up during the Crusades. he taught high school boys to step up and be men. he taught, once again, that the measure of a man is within.
it takes courage to fight the fight. to walk the walk. it takes guts to win people over. i've tried. but maybe i've always tried wrong. because.. i think the answer is not trying.
maybe the answer is getting rid of this huge chip on my shoulder, and getting over it. maybe the answer is seeing everything for what it is. maybe the answer lies somewhere between always leaving my door unlocked, and always hoping everyone else's is unlocked, also. maybe the answer is not being selfish. ever. even though it's okay to be selfish once in a while, maybe the answer is really to not ever be.
so i read this article about a man i'd never heard of and a man i (and you, too, sadly,) will never have the opportunity of meeting, and i cried. i cried the way i do when i think about my Grandpa dying. i cried until it hurt. and then i re-read this paragraph:
AN OLD nettle digs at most every human heart: the urge to give oneself to the world rather than to only a few close people. In the end, unable to bear the personal cost, most of us find a way to ignore the prickle, comforting ourselves that so little can be changed by one woman or one man anyway.
and i sat and thought about ONE black man and how he changed ONE town. not one person. not one player. not one family, even. an entire town. how .. he KNEW they hated him. he knew he'd have to prove himself for a LONG time before they started to trust him. but he didn't care. he forgot the stinging nettle in his heart, pounding away at the walls of love. he let love win. he made love win.
and i thought.. maybe i could do that. maybe you could. maybe i'm going about it the wrong way. maybe i have to wake up every morning, thank God for another day, remember that i don't have to BE loved to love, and live like he did. wake people up with love. send them to bed with love.
remember.
05 March 0952 hrs*if she couldn't sleep, maybe we could make up. but i just can't seem to wake her up this time.* -buos
had my final RA interview today. thank god. so, now it's up to them. craig said i should know the week before spring break. and we go on spring break (officially) 26 march. so hopefully the week of the 19th. weird.. i find out about transferring to PA 12 March. at least i'll know everything by the time spring break hits.
i've been praying a lot for god's help in this. and i guess that's why i'm not really stressed either way. i know that things will work out the way they're supposed to work out.
i talked to my friend steph from high school tonight for the first time in months. it was good to talk to her, even though we rarely talk for more than five minutes. she's funny.
i also got an email from anna. that was nice. she's down in venezuela being a crazy gringa. i think i admire anna the most of everyone i still talk to from high school. she's just so amazing. i'm really glad my friends are all doing so well.
wow. i'm just not in the journal mood right now for some reason. i think i'll go do some GO-elogy work.
03 Mar 2233 hrs*we never talk of our lacking relationships.* -vp
yeah, i know i just used verve pipe last month-ish.. but the song's on, and i'm fresh outta lyrics in my pretty little haid. i coulda used some margaritaville, since i know the lyrics, but i didn't think'a that 'till now, and it's just too late.
james is being extra weird tonight. he hasn't responded to any of my IMs. i dunno.. he's probably busy or something. or maybe it's one of his sisters. i dunno. i hope he's okay.
hall council was okay tonight. we got a lot worked out. turns out we're really busting our asses for pinonpalooza.. i hope it turns out good.
NACURH went pretty well, too. turns out we have some pretty good ideas for our banner. hopefully they turn out okay. we have another meeting next tuesday.
:yawns: i have NO idea why i'm so tired. turns out ison has mono, so i guess i'll go get tested for that some time next week. although, i shouldn't be able to get mono again since i've already had it once. i dunno. i guess we shall see.
i would realy like spring break to hurry the hell up.
01 Mar 2216 hrs*she's got a ticket, but you need more than a ticket to get you there. you need a string of good intentions...* -7m3
i think this is the big winner for my new color scheme. i shall update the picture later. notice the february entries have been archived.
01 Mar 1149 hrs