Sara Sez...

Lyle
I love Lyle Lovett. I think his music is just amazing. he has such an awesome voice. everybody's all, "ew, he's ugly." like that hinders his ability to be a kick-ass musician? read some of his lyrics. if you don't listen to him, at least read the lyrics. he and Townes Van Zandt are just awesome songwriters. that's why i like half the music i like...'cuz the songs are just so gripping. lyrics are definitely the reason i love counting crows so much. adam duritz has a way with words that i envy. he, edwin mccain, dave matthews (his older stuff, anyway...) they all are so raw and honest. i respect that.
man, i had so much to say. and now i'm here and ready to write, and nothing wants to make itself known.
i went bowling with Oph tonight. i think it's the first time i've seen her since we took her to the hospital, and definitely the first time we've been out since she and i got home from Country Jam. i dunno what it is about us and our friendship, but it's weird. sometimes, some months and weeks, we spend a lot of time together. purt near everyday. and then we'll go a week or two without getting together. i think the basic problem is that we just like doing different things. i mean, i don't think we're any less friends for spending time apart. it just gets kind of weird sometimes, 'cuz it's like, "yeah...remember me?" 29 July 0217

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i can't decide if i like capital letters or not. when i'm working, it bugs the hell out of me if the proper words aren't capitalized, or if everything is in caps. but here, it's generally easiest for me to write. to not worry about stupid freakin' caps. i can't let go of my punctuation, though, so all of you who chastise me for my anal-ness, leave me alone. you can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus, as ben affleck would say.
i hate when people call me some stupid pet name or term of endearment. unless it's wendy. or john. everybody else, though, who calls me baby or sweetie or honey...must want their ass kicked. that's the only explanation i have.
one of these days i'll get around to updating my "about me" stuff. right now, tho', i just don't have time.
isn't that always the excuse? not enough time? who does have that much time? i sometimes envy ison because she just does NOTHING all the time. i mean, she doesn't work.. she doesn't read.. she just, watches TV or listens to music. and she sleeps late. oh, how i crave sleeping late. but after i woke up, if i had nothing to do, i'm sure i would go crazy. maybe.
what is it about humans that causes us to qualify things? i mean, everyday i catch myself SO many times going, "oooh..he's hot!" or something. and that's just so.. not what i preach. Epictetus says we should judge ourselves by what we say to others. that the medicine we give to others when they're feeling/acting poorly should be the same medicine we give to ourselves when we're feeling/acting poorly. as a general rule, i think most philosophers are out of their trees...but i really dug epictetus.
but i digress
judging sucks. i hate it, and i think everyone else does, too. i like to think that in my heart of hearts (what a stupid phrase), i love everyone the same. or hate them the same. really a matter of speaking, i think. or, depends on the day.
no. i don't hate anyone. hating is such a waste of my freakin' time. 25 July 14:00

What?
this evening ison and i sat around doing nothing. we watched the olympic trials. i get impatient when the announcers talk about how hot it is on the track. who cares? get the damn show on!
i have a big project due in Soc thursday. urban development or something. problems: not enough research. too much other work. can't find my notebook. i definitely think the last is the biggest obstacle. i'll pull through, tho'. i love Soc, and i'm good at it.
sorry about yesterday.
i miss you. i miss your voice and your sweet, gentle laugh. i miss the way you'd get angry when i teased you. i miss your naivete. i miss your intelligence. i miss our dreams.
i want to let go. you did. i want to love again. you do. i want to be. you are.
i don't think i want you back. i just want to be okay with not being us. i want to be me. i want to be able to talk about you without hurting. without wondering what you had for dinner. do you ever think about me? do you ever cry yourself to sleep?
oh.. i think that's a song.
i'm glad you left. i'm glad you left without a scene. in my "flair for the dramatic" phase, you didn't cater to my whining, and my screaming inner aloneness: "please don't go. you know that isn't what i want."
did you get over me, or did you just find her? what about my plans? were they not good enough? for you? for me? for god? 23 July 20:10

Just, blah
my shrink says i need to keep a journal, which is the basic reason for me doing this Sara Sez thing. but more than that, i like writing. i hate writing poetry or songs or any of that crap 'cuz i feel too restricted. here, i can sit and just write.
i don't mind feeling down on myself or on life in general, but i hate when other people feel bad. i hate not being able to do anything. my job is to do something. my job is to fix, dammit!
all the good webpages i liked are being taken down. i don't like that at all. so maybe it's a bit voyeuristic to read journals of people i don't know. but i think it's also sort of exhibitionistic for people like us to write it all out and publish it for the whole world to see.
heh.. i'm an exhibitionist and a tad voyeuristic. no wonder boys don't like me. 23 July 00 01:26