*there's a hole in the ceiling down through which i fell. there's a girl in a basement coming out of her shell, and there are people who will say that they knew me so well...i may not go to heaven...*

Others.
alterimage
andreas
andrew
erin
honeypie
kinkou
unitedwesuck
wastedspace
xhael

Communication is Essential
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Sara's Poem

They would laugh when she prayed.
Said, "You're a picture
perfect version of a holy growing
saint." She would just smile, knowing
who she was was little
concern of theirs. She'd never fallen

from her faith, and her faith had never fallen
from her. She found that they preyed
on the weak, so she stood strong, letting little
get to her. She always tried to picture
heaven, but she knew
that she would grow

to belong there. She also knew she'd grow up
someday. There was no fault
in lingering of time, no
fingers to point, no direction to point them. So
for courage, she prayed.
Mama always said, "Put'cher
self before the world, and even your tiniest

strengths will be seen. Don't be happy being a little
person. Leave your mark. Grow
and let the world grow with you." She kept Mama's picture
on her desk. Mama was a fallen
hero. She always prayed
for her strength. She never knew

Mama watched her, but she knew
that she had loved her. Those little
things. When Mama left, Daddy never praised
her anymore. She had grown
used to it, though. And when her world had fallen,
she put it back together, picture

by picture,
memory by memory. She knew
them all by heart. They never fell
from THAT shelf. Even the smallest
ones stayed with her, grew
into her soul. She was thankful. And she prayed.

A picture perfect version of a holy growing saint.
There was little she didn't come to know over time.
And though the rest of her life had fallen, she prayed.

© Amanda Peterson, 2001
31 Jan 1318 hrs

*baby, i've been searchin' like everybody else. can't say nothin' different about myself. sometimes i'm an angel and sometimes i'm cruel. when it comes to love, i'm just another fool.* -mc

yay! i finally finished my freakin' soundtrack. i'm just going to post the link, 'cuz it's tooooo long to cut and paste it all into here.
here it is: songs
i have to go to some comedian person. i'll post everyone else's soundtracks tomorrow or the next day.
27 Jan 1653 hrs

*it takes two to make a thing go ri-ight. it takes two to make it out of sight.*

today kicked ass. it was abnormally good. especially considering i hardly spent any time with FBH today.
i spent a lot of time with the hottest RA EVER. he lost in mega millionaire, so now he has to go to the Ritz. theoretically. we'll see. he's all about not dressing up. as am i, but cripes.. we all sacrifice. he'll get over it.

25 Jan 2305 hrs

*know this: God has even forgotten some of your sin.* -11 Job 06

wow. so, FBH and i were sitting in the TV lounge today and MattD and adam walked in and somehow the four of us became involved in a rather large religious dispute. it wasn't out of control, or anything, but it was a religious dispute. and FBH is the only non-religious person out of the four of us, so she felt like we were ganging up on her. and like, really, despite my quite strong religious views, i hold very tightly to my liberal political views.
so we argued the whole gay issue for a while. blah. and i think adam has about the same views as we do, but he just can't voice them 'cuz he's SO deeply rooted in his christianity. and that's fine, 'cuz i like being able to argue both sides...argue the religious and the non-religious sides.
and FBH HATES arguing religion. and she always tenses up RIGHT as the discussion gets started. and she even does it around me. and like, knowing what it's like to be on both sides of the coin, i of all people know to not push my agenda. i don't try and convince her one way or the other. i just tell her what i know. what i feel. i don't care if she believes me or not.
so we debated for a while. and it was fine when it was just the four of us. or, just the three of us after i pissed FBH off. but then all these other people started getting involved. and i have NO PROBLEM arguing with people. but i hate when we're arguing and they keep interrupting me. 'cuz i don't do that. if someone has something to say, they say their piece all the way through before i say anything. unless i need clarification, and then i ask for it. but i'm real big on conversation, discussion, argument. i hate when people don't pay attention; i think it's super rude. so, whatever.
and then i saw craig at the cafe` tonight and i started to tell him about it and he goes, "i already heard." what the hell is that business? blah.
i totally just lost all drive to finish this entry.
it's 2230 now, and so much has happened since then. the hottest RA EVER and i watched some TV together. bal and i got in a stupid fucking argument. i think that stems from the three of us--bal, FBH and i--spending TOO MUCH fucking time together. and she thought i was pissed, and really...she was the one that was pissed. she came up in a fucking huff yelling and being a bitch, and i stayed calm. which is hard for me, 'cuz redheads just aren't like that. not to be stereotypical, but we aren't.
and whatever that was all about. it's fine that we spend time apart, 'cuz obviously the three of us are fine on our own.
christ...this is just increasing my already shitty mood.
24 Jan 1719 hrs

*somewhere out there, if love can see us through...then we'll be together. somewhere out there, out where dreams come true.*

boys never cease to amaze me.
not that i expect boys to be hip to all the gynecology lingo, but last night was the funniest ever.
manda and i were doing homework (on our way to straight a's!) and meloD was talking to accent-boy. and he didn't know what a pap smear is, and he was quite confused about most womenly things, i think. so meloD had to explain it to him.
and THEN he kept calling it a pat shmear. our translation to that is a PAT SCHMIERE.
so we kept teasing him last night about it, and kept talking about it. and he kept getting pissy. and we're not making fun of him 'cuz he doesn't know what it is or what it entails, we're just making fun of him 'cuz he's always an assclown to us.
so we made this big-ass orange sign that says, "PAT SCHMIERES HERE. bring your own stirrups." lol.. and it's all pretty and colored. and then we got construction paper and cut out arrows that we wrote quippy little things on like:
"schmieres: it's what's for dinner"
"got schmieres?"
"cold attitude, warm hands"
"schmiere today, gone tomorrow"
and my favorite: "today only! world renowned doctor pat schmiere! grynoconologist extraordinaire!"
yes, i know that isn't how you spell gynecologist. but that's how accent-boy pronounces it. funny.
so we taped the HUGE ORANGE SIGN to his door. and we taped the arrows to the wall and the floor, pointing towards his room. OH! and meloD had to go to the gyno today and she picked up this pamphlet that warned against bacterial vaginosis. so we hung that up on his door and put a piece of paper above it that said, "take one." it was so funny.
he was all laughing and stuff. then he tore all the arrows down, 'cuz he HATES being embarassed. and we're really good at making clowns out of people.
not 'cuz we're evil, but just 'cuz we HAVE no shame. they cannot make us feel like asses. but they try.
Operation Pat Smiere SUCCESSFUL!
23 Jan 1821 hrs

*all we are is dust in the wind* -another duh...

talked to david last night. he's really having a hard time with things right now. and there's nothing i can do to help. and he feels like he can't help himself. he doesn't see that all the answers are right in front of him...he just has to trust himself enough to hold them. and i believe in him. good or bad for me (and us,) i believe in him.
the hottest RA EVER is being especially weird today. not that he isn't weird normally, but he's being especially weird today. i had to meet bal and FBH in the college center today 'cuz i woke up latelatelate and they were ready to go. so i get down there, and i felt bad for being snippy with FBH so i went and gave her a hug and said, "love you, dude." and she said she loved me too. and i walked back into the kitchen to fix my waffle, and he was standing in line at the grill. and i KNOW he saw me when i first went in there, and i know he saw me again when i went to fix my food.
i went back out to talk to FBH and stites, and when i went back to check on my food he was walking out, heading for our table. and i'm like, "good MORNING, beej." him: oh. hey!
yeah, hey. blah. i think all the rumors going around about us are finally beginning to bug him. and if that's the case, he should just say something. but he's not like that. so i'm gonna hafta march my fat ass up to his room later and ask him what his deal is.
i'm listening to one of FBH's mixy CDs. it's yummy.
i have marketing in 02 hours, so i had better get to reading the chapter i haven't read.
23 Jan 1028 hrs

*y'see, her confidence is tragic, but her intuition magic. the shape of her body...unusual.* -duh...

wow. talked to david the clown tonight. not sure what's really going on there. before i left to come back to skool i talked to him a lot about how i was sure we were going to not be as close 'cuz i'm so far away and blahblahblah. and really, physical distance is totally surmountable. but not if it's just one person, y'know? not if i'm the only one working on it.
so anyway...tonight we're talking, and he'd been drinking. and he said, "talk". and i said, "i don't have anything to talk about." and he said, "alrighty then.
exciting" and i said, "sorry. i feel like we don't communicate, anyway." and he said, "great.
thanx". and left. like always. 'cuz whenever a situation presents itself that MIGHT require some extra attention and/or voicing of emotions, or that is a tad uncomfortable for one or both of us, he just runs. hangs up the phone, signs offline. whatever it takes.
and that's such horseshit. he always wants me to be honest with him. always. and i am. and whenever it isn't exactly what he wants to hear, he bolts. blah.
i have tonsilitis. yay.
i've been receiving much flack from my friends and acquaintances about the current status of my relationship with the hottest RA EVER. and really, there isn't anything there. we hang out. we laugh. we talk. we sleep. no pressure. no commitment. we just have fun. and maybe somewhere down the line something else will happen...but not now. not yet.
you think i'm gorrr-geous. you wanna daaaate me.
22 Jan 2243 hrs

*she said, "tell me are you a christian, child?" i said, "ma'am, i am tonight."* -mc

balerie plee-iss is sick, and i think she's getting me sick. blah. down with being sick.
i got an email today telling me i don't know how to use punctuation effectively. i think that is entirely too funny. just 'cuz i don't capitalize the beginning of my sentences doesn't mean i don't know how to use punctuation effectively. cripes.
i've been thinking about starting to capitalize again. maybe that'll be new in february.
speaking of february, down with valentine's day. definitely hate that holiday. i've always believed that if a man loves me enough to do something special for me on 14 feb, he probably loves me enough to do something special for me any other day of the year. being nice and romantic out of obligation sucks.
there's a boy at skool that i like. he's pretty neat. i've thought he was hella hot from day one. but now he's hella hot and a bunch of other things. intelligent, funny (FUNNY, fbh!), confident. he's fun to hang around with.
we haven't really talked about the status of our relationship. he and his girlfriend just broke up...and given my up-in-the-air-ness about david, i'm not exactly in the best position to be giving him my attention. all of it, anyway.
we'll see what happens. neither of us have brought the subject of a relationship up, and i'm really pretty glad about that. i think he is, too. we'll see where it goes.
i know, though, that he hangs out with this other girl a lot. even if most of it is just to play racquetball. i'm totally insecure about her. i don't know what the deal with that is. i'm usually not insecure about other women AT ALL, 'cuz i'm quite comfortable with who i am. it'll go away. FBH keeps yelling at me for it. 'cuz i keep whining. blah.
i really like marc cohn. he's awesome. his version of "Silver Thunderbird" is about 50 million times better than is jo dee messina's, even though she kicks ass, too.
i heard today that garth is gonna release a new album toward the end of the year. yay!
here's the fortune i received the other night from my cookie: Alas! The onion you are eating is someone else's waterlily. i wasn't quite sure about it. but i think it makes sense now. it's all about being thankful.
i still hear him sayin', "don't you give me no buick. son, you must take my word: if there's a God up in Heaven, He's got a silver thunderbird."
20 Jan 2111 hrs

*[he] used to call me all the time, but he hasn't lately. and i wonder if he goes out at all, and if he is dating. and everytime i walk alone along the beach somehow i always feel the rayn. so many times i wished for my space. now i wish i didn't feel so outta place. i could walk off the fear. crawl through the hate. beg you to forgive my every mistake. pretend you and i...just never was. oh, boy... i just can't walk off the buzz.* -buos

i dunno why i keep doing these half-assed updates. i think it has something to do with i actually have people coming to my room now that i'm back at skool.
craig told me he had a surprise brewing for me, and this morning i woke up and found it. it isn't really of any consequence to any of you, so i won't write about it. but i have a funny story about it.
craig's a magician. he's all about the magic tricks. so we were in target today trying to find something for him and bal sees this Magic Megan doll. and she does all these tricks and she's this cute little blonde dolly. so we HAD to buy it for him.
then we came home, Bal went to sleep, FBH & i wrote craig a little poem to accompany his new dolly. and crap, now i can't find it. but i know it was hella funny. the last two lines said, "a magician boy and a magician girl/go hand in hand forever in a magic world". it was really funny. he enjoyed it. he has Magic Megan sitting in his window now. that rules.
so, that was probably the high for my day. craig's an awesome guy.
he came over last night, and we were talking. and his friend, stiles, came over. stiles went to IACURH with us. i didn't really get to know him...but i know him now better than i did before we left. and he came over a little later.
we all talked about music and the impact it has on our lives. stiles was looking through my CDs and he was commenting on how similar our music tastes are. and the three of us started questioning how some people can be SO emotionally detached from music. i hear a song.. like that blessid union song above.. that really speaks to me, and it's always there. emotional attachment is the reason i've had such a hard time finishing my soundtrack. 'cuz there's always a song that pulls at me. but the 20 or so that i have on there are the ones i've never been able to escape.
i talked to andreas some more tonight. that was good. i really dig that kid. we never talk about what we write in our journals. i really respect the way he writes. funny and serious. sad and happy. such a grand mixture of thoughts and words and emotions. and it isn't 'cuz i don't WANT to talk to him about what we write. i think it's mostly because i know that MY writing in my journal is incredibly personal...and a lot of his is, too. and i just don't know that it's okay to talk about it yet. i'll give it some time. in the meantime, i enjoy conversations about camus and music and calc.
almost finished with both my cast list and my soundtrack. can you feel the anticipation?!
17 Jan 1717 hrs

*well, there's people (and more people). what do they know, know, know? go to work in some high rise and vacation down at the gulf of mexico. and there's winners, and there's losers. but they ain't no big deal, because the simple man, baby, pays for the thrills, the bills, the pills that kill.* -jcm

even though he dropped the 'cougar'.
i feel like there's a lot to say, but i'm in one of those moods where i just feel like it isn't anybody's business.
um.. david's pissed at me right now. incredibly pissed, as a matter of fact. last night FBH was talking on my 'puter. david IMd her. i think the funniest part was him: hi. FBH: hi, david. it's football head. him: oh.
"oh." that is entirely too funny.

16 Jan 2032 hrs

*would you catch me if i was fallin'? would you kiss me if i was leavin'? would you hold me, 'cuz i'm lonely without you.* -cc

wow. weird. where do i start? is today sunday? 28 days since noah said he'd call. i s'pose "a couple" could mean 4 weeks.
yay!!! FBH and Bal are coming home tomorrow! i'm so excited. i've been here ssooooo long without them.
not that i haven't had fun. i've had the chance to hang out with garrett a lot. and kelli. both rule. kelli 'cuz she's a frickin' fat whore, and garrett 'cuz he and i connect. we joke a lot about our high schools and our lifestyles now, but i really like garrett. he's fun to be around.
except when he's being SEXIST! piss on that.
david's still being weird. acting like i don't know something's wrong. and if he doesn't want to talk about it, that's different than "nothing" being wrong.
14 Jan 2207 hrs

*we're romeo and juliet, sampson and delilah. baby, you can bet they were burning with desire. if i said, 'split.' then you know that i'd be lyin', 'cuz when we kiss...oooh, fire.*

man, that song seriously rules. it's off the hav plenty soundtrack. That's right, h-a-v
not that it's any of your business.
so, yesterday. right.
went down to david's at like, one-ish. we went and he got some lunch. we talked. then we drove through the mountains. he made me get out of the cah and look at this frozen waterfall. it was pretty awesome. all the water underneath the sheet of ice was running, of course, 'cuz of all that biological stuff.
then we just drove around for a reeeaaaally long time. it was really relaxing. he took my hand while we were driving. that was nice.
then i came home and mom, ison and i went to see miss congeniality. it was really good. quite good. very entertaining. then the three of us went to dinner. ison and i bitched about our stepdad. he's being an ass lately. i have no idea why. just 'cuz he goes through phases. he HAS to be an asshole to us at least once a month, or the month isn't complete, i guess.
then i went BACK down to david's, which is an hour away. and we hung out for a couple more hours. that was fun, too. he tried to fix a computer game, and i tried to sleep. heh
then i came back to skool today. we had training/meetings from 1800 'till 2100. it went okay, i s'pose. nothing really life altering. but i got to hang out with the blackest white guy i know, garrett. and my friend kelli. she is ssoo funny. the three of us had a shit-ton of fun making fun of everyone else.
then i talked to david. wa-fucking-hoo. i'm over-emotional when it comes to him. we're talking, happy, happy. i say, "i'm happy to see you." he says, whys that? i said something, he said something, i said something. he says, i can't wait to see my son. me: are you going home? him: yeah. me: with mary? him: yeah.
wasn't quite sure what to say that, so i just sat there. he said, the tickets were already bought. i rolled my eyes. he said, sorry. i said, 'i bet.' then i told him that was a stellar way to bring that up.
and i really meant that, i mean.. HOW ELSE would i have found out that he's taking her to meet his parents? 'cuz clearly he couldn't have just told me. AND he waited 'till i was 300 miles away to say anything! boy am i ever excited about our future possibilities.
maybe they'll include more times that he picks me up and then slams me into the ground. oh, wait.. no they won't.
'cuz i ask him where this leaves us, and he says, "no clue." which, to me, is nothing more than..."um, let me procrastinate some more. while i'm doing that, i'll hook up with you when you're here, and hook up with mary when you're not." horseshit.
he told me to prove it to him. prove i love him. prove being with me is the right choice. and i tried that. 'cuz i can't like, DO anything else. i can't KNOW what to do if he doesn't tell me. i tried my best to let him know i love and need him. and it didn't do ANYTHING. so now HE can prove to ME that being with HIM is the right choice. 'cuz right now, i don't see it.
and i have his fucking dog tag hanging from my monitor. opposite noah's picture, as a matter of fact. how incredibly fucking ironic.
12 Jan 2235 hrs

*but all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity, like emptiness and harmony, i need someone to comfort me.* -s&g

yay. today (yesterday? thursday, in any event) was really good. really good. i spent a lot of time with david. up with that. i'll talk more about that later, though, 'cuz i'm tired.
then i got home tonight, checked my email, and had a happy email from my Avs-loving friend. yay. then we talked. it was good. more than just 'blog reading, finally. he's fun.
heh.
:]
12 Jan 0200 hrs

*hey, [dustin,] did you hear about this one? tell me, are you about to get punched? hey, [dustin,] are you goofing on Elvis, 'hey baby,' are we losing touch? if you believed she'll kick your ass to the moon, ass to the moon. if you believe there's nothing up our sleeve, you're not that cool.* -FBH and Metizliher's version of REM's song

yay. tonight ruled. we went to karaoke. FBH and her friends and sissy sang. i sat there and sang with them. for all of my outgoing-ness, i haven't mastered the art of karaoke, yet. i can get up and give speeches and presentations just fine...but no karaoke.
but it was massive amounts of fun. and the best part was at the end when i was leaving and FBH, her sissy and their friends were leaving and i yelled my trademark, "BYE-BYE, THEN!!!" and they all yelled, "BYE, SARA!" it sound stupid and cheesy...but it was actually really cool. made me feel like a part'a the gang. :]
and for the record, i hate being wrong. diamond rio's new song, "One More Day" is stupidly confusing, and I don't like it so much now that i'm wrong about the lyrics. so...he's all talking about if he had one more day with this person, blahblahblah. and the second verse says, "the first thing i'd do is pray for time to CRY." something about unplugging the TV so he won't be disturbed, or someshit. "i'd hold you every second, and say a million 'i love yous'." anyway. *i* think it sounds better, "the first thing i'd do is pray for time to HEAL."
'cuz that's what every broken relationship needs. lord knows. if you're gonna fix something...you have to heal first. even if you're fixing yourself, y'know? but evidently i'm not a damn songwriter.
since it's now officially thursday, i'm going back to skool tomorrow. weird.
and i guess that's it for me and david. and i guess i'll never know why. 'cuz he read my journal and was hurt? 'cuz i was a little too blunt about what could be the biggest mistake of his life? 'cuz i didn't give a "little more right now"? but i can't worry about that. 'cuz i promised myself i wasn't gonna. 'cuz i really tried. and i really thought for a minute there that maybe it was going to work. but i was wrong, and it's okay.
and i think i'd be okay with being his friend...but i'm not going to make the first move. i'm not gonna call him up and be like, "hey, buddy! how's it goin', man? yeah, cool!" 'cuz everything is definitely NOT cool. but it will be.
and i will KNOW when the right man comes along. i will NOT marry anyone who i even THINK might be wrong. just can't do it. i so adamantly and passionately hate divorce, that i will NOT ever be divorced.
which is why this sucks so much.
live and learn.
i'm almost done with my soundtrack. :] finally.
maybe.
11 Jan 0026 hrs

*forgot about everything and everyone i needed before. tryin' to get a handle on a reason to shine. pickin' up the pieces that are falling behind takes time.* -mb20

david hung up on me last night. twice, as a matter of fact. good call on his part.
the first time he hung up on me he was reading the entry prior to this one, and evidently thought hanging up instead of TALKING about it was the right thing to do. the second time he was at work. he didn't really hang up. he just said, "it'll never be okay," then hung up.
and if it was any other night, any other person, i probably would have called back. again. 'cuz that's how i am. mostly 'cuz i HATE when people hang up on me. it's the ultimate disrespect. but last night..it was just too much. and i knew he didn't want me to call back.
and i told him that i couldn't do it anymore. he asked what i meant. i told him...i hope he finds a way to fix things between he and mary, so that he's not sad all the time. so that it's an equal relationship.the rest of this will be an excerpt from my journal-journal, 'cuz i don't know what else to write.
i called him at work and asked why he hung up on me. he said, 'well, i was sort of reading your journal at the time, too.' as if that is honestly a valid excuse.
i told him that i was going to come see him tomorrow. he said, 'i wasn't planning on being around tomorrow.' i said, 'i want to come get my CD.' (my POISON CD, mind you. my FAVORITE CD right now.) he said, "i'll leave it at the front desk." i know i said something that involved the F word.
i told him, somewhere in our 25-minute conversation, that i can't do it anymore. he asked what that meant. i told him it meant that i guess i hope Mary gets over it eventually, and that they find a healthier relationship. i told him that if he knew all along he wasn't going to be able to escape her tears, he should have told me that from the start. or, he shouldn't have said anything at all. he should have never told me he was questioning his decision.
i told him i was NOT going to drive all the way down there to get my effing CD from some guy at a desk. he said, "i know. that's why i'm going to mail it to you." as if THAT is better than getting it from some guy at a desk. i told him to just keep the effing CD, 'cuz if he couldn't take two minutes to give me my CD back, the $13 i spent on it doesn't matter.

and the shitty thing is...i know he waited at home at least part of the day today...just to see if i would show up. and i thought about it. i woke up today and thought about driving down there, 'cuz he's only NOT seeing me 'cuz he's afraid of feeling. not 'cuz he made her a promise.
but i just couldn't do it. i don't know why. i wish i coulda...
and maybe he'll call someday.
i remember after david...ben and i were never the same. ben hated david SO deeply. or not really hated him. he just ... felt cheated, i guess. and it's funny that in all this time since ben and i have talked, i haven't thought about him 'till david came back. weird.
09 Jan 1404 hrs

*i don't wanna lose everything our love has made, but i don't wanna feel alone everytime you go away, so just go if you wanna go, stay if you wanna stay...* -ku

two updates in one day. yay. feel my fucking enthusiasm.
first of all, if anyone knows why Pitas keeps knocking my images down, let me know. PLEASE?
talked to david tonight. turned out he called mary after i left last night, and they got into this HUGE fight about me going down there tomorrow. (evidently she doesn't know i was there yesterday, to begin with.) so she told him she doesn't want him to see me. and he promised her he wouldn't. but he says, "i really want to see you," acting as if he still wants me to go down there.
christ. every single day i'm getting closer and closer to just backing the fuck out. 'cuz if he can't even tell her that he's gonna hang out with me...they're destined to be together. so she can monopolize his life, and he can live what she picks for him.
i'm angry 'cuz when we were hanging up (he's at work,) i say, "do you want me to call you back later?" him: yeah, i should finish buffing the floor. me: yeah, i should call you back...or yeah, you need to finish work? him: you should go to sleep. (he says this KNOWING i don't go to sleep 'till at LEAST 0100.) me: it's only ten o'clock! him: yeah...blahblahsomethingabouthimgoingtosleepblahblah me: silence. him: silence. me: whatever. talk to you later. him: don't whatever me, sara! me: *something equally as angry*. him: .... me: are we getting together tomorrow, still, or not? him: i'll call you tomorrow and let you know.
i SWEAR on EVERYTHING holy (forgive me, God...) that if he calls tomorrow and tells me not to come down there, i will walk the hell away from this. 'cuz i don't know what the hell else there is to do.
he thinks he's a bad person 'cuz she twists his arm and makes him do what she wants. she pulls out the tears and makes him feel bad.
but probably if he would have been honest with her (and everyone else!!!) from the beginning, we all wouldn't be in the situation we're in. only, turns out, *i* am the only person he's been honest with. so.. i'm trying to fix him, fix me, fix us, AND fix him & mary. what the hell am i supposed to do?!
and we had a fucking GOOD time last night. we laughed all through dinner. i'd say it was like old times, but it was ten times better than old times. the whole night was.
and i know he's confused. and i know of ALL the people involved in this situation, i should be the one who is the most supportive of him, 'cuz that's what he deserves from me.
but it's way beyond my scope of compassion now. 'cuz i SEE how the only thing holding us back is her. and how the only thing holding the two of them back is her. 'cuz he CAN'T be who he is with her.
"Girls. Jesus Christ." -salinger
i can't stand 'em, either.
08 Jan 2303 hrs

*i heard that you found somebody new, and that i never meant that much to you. to hear that tears me up inside, and to see you cuts me like a knife. i guess every rose has its thorn.* -poison

went down to david's yesterday. everybody bailed on me for dancing at the Grizz. i guess i'm not surprised. turns out i don't expect much out of anyone anymore.
we had fun, david and i. we went to carrabas for dinner. it was fun. he was being a big meany. evidently my knee-high boots = hooker boots. who knew?
then we went back to the barracks (oh, how i missed them......) and watched american beauty (joaquin phoeniz, mmmm). i don't see what all the hype was about. i can remember scruff telling me it's one of his favorite movies. :shrugs: i thought it was okay. i mean.. it was GOOD, but there was SO MUCH hoopla about it. eh.
and we laid on the couch and talked for a while. i upset him, 'cuz i brought up the fact that he HAS to make a decision sooner or later. he said, "can't we just have one night without this?" i told him no. 'cuz *i* can't have one night without it. it's always there. when i hear his laugh, when i touch his hand, when i look into his eyes. it's there.
and last night was really the first night i felt any sense of loss. i laid there with him, smelling his cologne, feeling his hand on my back.. and felt such a distance between us, i wanted to cry. and he knew. of course he knew. for the first time since this all started, i felt like he and i probably weren't going to end up together. and that was hard for me to take.
'cuz being there...that should have made me feel CLOSER to him. but it didn't. it made me feel like there was a million miles of unspoken words between us. and a million more miles of heartache.
i don't know. i have tomorrow with him, and then it's off to skool i go. (mixed feelings about skool now...) and once i'm at skool, who knows? i mean.. i told him i wasn't going to give up on him. and i feel like i'm fighting the good fight. i just don't feel like it's good enough yet. shitty.
i've been praying a lot, though. more than once a day. praying, "God, please help me. please help david. please help us see Your will. help us see what's to be done." help.
08 Jan 0858 hrs

*'cause we're not a sure thing, Too soon to tell if we're the real thing* -jmm

first of all, i have a couple drinks in me, so if the grammar/punctuation/spelling are screwed up, i don't care. plus, i don't want to write this, but i REALLY don't want to write in my journal-journal.
so, oph and i went bowling tonight. it was fun. mostly. we had to wait for our lane for like, 45601987 hours. she was hella tired and being a big baby, sitting there with her head on the table. so i was just all dancin' in my chair, drinkin' my cherry coke™. then we moved tables, 'cuz we were tired of being in the back-back. so this guy walks up to us with the ever-cool "marijuana: at least it's not crack" shirt. and he looks at me and goes, "is she feeling better?", pointing to oph. i'm like, "I dunno." i look at her, "are you feeling better?" her: yeah. me: looks like she's feeling better. then he told us about how he saw her with her head down and blahblah. and then he left. didn't introduce himself. it was weird.
so he came up later and finally introduced himself. mike, was his name. told us about his friends he was bowling with. it was weird. so we talked back and forth all night. he was pretty cool.
then we're about to leave and i'm up bowling and he goes to oph and says, "how does it feel to be flawless?" JESUS CHRIST! and then later he goes, "you're seriously the prettiest girl i've ever seen in colorado. no shit." and i'm just sitting there, bowling away, talking to his other friends.
and i'm just ANNOYED that no matter how fake, ditzy or loser-ish she acts, the boys ALWAYS flock to her. and i shouldn't be annoyed, 'cuz i know..somewhere..that i'll get mine. and he won't be a concerned-with-looks-only asshole. and he won't be a loser marijuana-shirt wearing boy. blah.
i'm just mostly annoyed that the unfuckables are never chosen first. me, anyway.
piss on that.
07 Jan 0129 hrs

*it's gonna be me.*

real quick.
wizzy twang told me i should be the 4th dixie chick, from what she knows of them, and what she knows of me. and i think she knows them much better than she knows me, seeing as how she used to hang out with them. damn her. i think that's a kick-ass compliment, though. wizzy has become unusually funny lately.
send me your soundtracks. i love mail, and i love music.
i got a kick-ass list from mulletrock. she's just pretty kick ass in general, though.
i'm still waiting for yours, you clowns.
03 Jan 0014 hrs