*i am searching for that which every man seeks--peace and rest.*

Others.
alterimage
andreas
andrew
bookhag
erin
getlost
honeypie
james
unitedwesuck
wastedspace
xhael

Communication is Essential
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*she drove a pick-up truck painted green and blue.* -rolling stones/dmb

yay!! i won $70 at bingo tonight!! woohoo!
crazy things: it was the black-out game. the pot was $140. i needed G-60. i won. another girl won. we decided to split it. her name was sara, too.
craziness!
but now i have money! YAY ME!
hurray for fun.
accent-boy sucks.
28 Feb 2223 hrs

*sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us. sing a song full of the hope that the present has brought us; facing the rising sun of our new day begun, let us march on till victory is won.* -black national anthem

right. so tonight we went to this program at school.. it was basically a trip along the Underground Railroad. mostly it just made me really sad. 'cuz i thought a lot about how far we COULD have come.. and how far we really HAVE come. or how NOT far, rather.
two of BJ's friends were "conductors" along the railroad. they both did really good. especially byron. he made me want to cry, as a matter of fact.
i think mostly i was sad for the number of people who will go through that program and like, not care. not recognize that although the design was kinda sheisty ('cuz quiana didn't have a lot of time to put it together,) the message was really important.
'cuz like.. that isn't just black people's responsibility to remember. it's ours, too. 'cuz we can't just IGNORE what happened.
maybe i have a different appreciation for black history.
:sighs:
28 Feb 1852 hrs

*we all falter. it doesn't matter.* -sarah

my CD's track list:
Bruce Springsteen - Secret Garden, the Jerry Maguire mix.
Counting Crows - Rain King/Thunder Road mix
Dave Matthews - If I Had A Boat
Edwin McCain and Jewel - What Matters
Howie Day - She Says
John Rich - I Pray For You
BonJovi - Thank You For Loving Me
Beth Nielsen Chapman - Sand and Water
Sarah McLachlan - Adia
Seven Mary Three - Each Little Mystery
Sting - Fields of Gold
Verve Pipe - The Freshman
Kid Rock - Cowboy
Rolling Stones & Dave Matthews - Memory Motel
Sister Hazel - Your Winter
DaDa - Dizz Knee Land

how kick ass is that?! rotating that CD with Wyclef's new one has got me all excited for music again. yay.
so, activities council is doing BINGO tonight and like, i REALLY want(ed) to go. but guess when they set it up for? 8:00! during Temptation Island! what the hell?!
28 Feb 0922 hrs

*you've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. know when to walk away, know when to run. . . if you run outta big tunes, that means your sound is done.* -kenny rogers

holy shit! kenny rogers and wyclef! see, we thought it said, "if you run outta bitches, that means your sound is done." it's better that way, so we shall probably continue to sing it our way.
i'm fixin' to go up to BJ's to have him put most of the mp3s he's downloaded for me onna CD. that's gonna rule. hurray for BJ.
so, my speaker sits next to my old license plate, (NOT HIP, as a matter of fact,) on toppa my microwave (which probably isn't good...) so when i have the bass like, on even a LITTLE on my stereo, the license plate shakes. and i'm a big fan of loud music with lotsa bass.
i went crazy with my homework tonight, so tomorrow all i have to do is like, five math problems and i'm done for the week. hurray for me.
i need to find my marketing note cards, though.
i've decided to leave my journal here. i will, however, update the other place where i was gonna put my journal 'cuz it's pretty cool. i can put a profile and shit up. i can do my cast list over there. i can do reviews and shit. hurray.
ooh.. yeah. david went nuts today. he warned me like, fifteen times on AIM. my warning level was THIRTY PERCENT. how bitchy is that? i was gonna copy and paste the conversation here, but i figure he'd complain or something. i dunno.
so, wyclef's new CD. get it. burn it. it rules.
27 Feb 2143 hrs

*if you're takin' chances, know the chance you take. a broken heart's a high price to pay. and foolish ways will make fools of the wise. and the best things seldom come along twice...once upon a lifetime.* -'bama

damn AOSmell, booting me off after i had already started writing.
i've been considering my hall council resignation, and i'm not sure that's what i want to do. i mean, it would probably save me a lot of grief and aging, but i really LOVE hall council. most the time. i love hearing garrett's stupid sex jokes. i love stephanie's laugh. i love the energy we all have when there's a good idea among us. i dunno.
and i've also been thinking about taking my journal down. and like, i'm not sure i should have to. or even that i should feel like i have to. i'm sure the person who i want to take it down 'cuz of is reading this, anyway. and like.. why should i let her win? *i* didn't give her the address for this site. not my fault she found it.
and i don't feel like what i say here should have to be censored just in case someone finds it. i write about bal and FBH all the time and they don't get all bitchy and pissy and go narc on me. they just understand that i was probably in a bad mood and that i'm probably over it by now.
plus, the place where i moved my journal is being bitchy and i don't understand java well enough to want to fix things.
now i'm going to go watch Jerry Ma-fuckin'-guire.
help me help you!
26 Feb 2021 hrs

*if this was our world, it'd be all yours, baby.* -jr

wow. yesterday sucked. we had group processing day, which was okay. not bad at all, actually.
then i came home and everything sucked.
i resigned from hall council, although i'm beginning to reconsider my decision. i don't really feel like writing about it because the reason i resigned in the first place is 'cuz of something i said in this journal.
so, in an attempt to begin again, i shall be removing this journal at the end of the month. i will, after i'm done with this entry, send an email to my notifylist people letting them know where the new URL will be.
note to self: do not trust people in college to be adults.
25 /feb 2012 hrs

*delivery truck comin' 'round the bend. beep, beep, beep just backin' in.* -dr

i think if i could smack the shit outta one person right now (this considering i was violent at all,) it'd be david. i seriously think i could smack him extra hard and not feel bad at all.
he's being all weird, so i ask him if he's okay. him: nope, will be soon i hope. then he said he didn't want to talk about it. which like, is not okay. i dunno. i just hate when people do that.
so whenever someone pushes david to his emotional limit, he just bails. and he bails on me like, three times a week. and it isn't even 'cuz i'm like, purposely being a bitch. it's just that he HATES when i ask him questions. and i hate when he won't offer up information. tonight his prelude to being a crybaby and running away was, "real NEAT. bye". and like, two seconds after he said that i said, "wait, isn't this when you leave?" then: "right."
ass. i hate that shit. GROW UP.
more later about ER.. group process day.. and sleep.
24 Feb 1628 hrs

*another fourteen hour day, crisis solved deadline made. i came home like always, tired and beat* -tb

i love meetings!
oh.. wait. i was confused. i mean i love eating!
today was okay. i think i pulled a B on my math exam.. which, for like, not studying AT ALL, is pretty good.
had to go to geology by myself 'cuz my friends are pansies and didn't sleep last night or something. marketing was okay.
then the fun began.
had hall council tonight. we're having this big like, carnival type thing in April called Pinonpallooza. named after my hall. yay Pinon! um.. right. so, this year it's going to be organized campus-wide. let me change that. each hall and the student reps and the housing office are in charge of a different area, instead of just our hall organizing everything.
so.. we're in charge of entertainment. entertainment, of course, being different than "music." so, we decided to go with a 'survivor' type theme. and that's good, 'cuz we all have LOTS of ideas. and it's fun.
but somehow lyndsey was elected chairchick of our hall. she's basically the liason between our hall council, CRA and the other committees. she wasn't elected, i think. she volunteered. right. now i remember.
but she SUCKS at it. like, she's not a born leader. she thinks she is, but she isn't. she would like to be, but she isn't. she's too concerned about appeasing the masses. i dunno. she pisses me off.
being that her job is to CHAIR our committee, and thus run our meetings, i think it would be neat if she would take the initiative and get things accomplished. but she can't do that, for some reason. i dunno what the hell her deal is, exactly. here's an example of a conversation in hall council regarding pinonpallooza (hereafter, PP, 'cuz i'm lazy.) someone: do we want a boy AND a girl winner, or just one winner, total?
someone else: well, i think blahblahblah.
someone else: blahblahblah.
someone else: mmhmm. blahblahblah.
me, val, or angie: why don't we VOTE ON IT.
see, now, before discussion goes around in circles for twenty minutes, my thinking is lyndsey, as our chair, could maybe like.. take one opinion from each side and then put it to a vote. but she seems quite incapable of doing that. pisses me off, it does.
then we had our NACURH meeting. turns out our program proposals are due Monday. MONDAY. what the fuck. this means bal and i have to do all our research tomorrow and sunday, 'cuz we have an all-day group processing thingy for RAs on saturday. good lord.
everything is so out of control right now. i have no classes tomorrow, though, so i think i shall sleep a good portion of the day away.
sleep. yummy.
22 Feb 2227 hrs

*thank you for loving me.* -jbj

wow. turns out this day just universally sucks.
actually, not universally, 'cuz a lotta people had good days. it just all around sucked for me.
let's see...i lost my patience with ben and told him i didn't need his help. when like, i think the reason i said that is 'cuz i know he's biased. and i know that like, he's only telling me god is working in a weird way now.. 'cuz like, he can't tell me what he wants to say. i mean, he has, but he can't right now 'cuz he knows i'm emotionally unstable. i dunno.
bal, FBH and everyone went to dinner without me. i thought that was an especially nice touch. so i went and wrote on bal's door and on FBH's door and said, "we need to talk. before 7 or after 8." um.. neither of them have been by, yet. granted, it's only 830, but amanda is so fucking stubborn that i'm sure in her mind she has made this all my fault and thus i should go talk to her.
my RA interview didn't go very well. mostly, i think, 'cuz i'm in an incredibly bad mood and i didn't answer their questions the way they wanted me to. not that i would have had i been in a good mood.
OH! i forgot to mention, too, that TexJohn apparently has "no use" for me anymore. just 'cuz one of my--not even my, anymore--idiot friends was playing around on here and said something mean to him. and i wasn't even around? i was watching TV, or something. and yeah, i probably could have told him to not fuck around on my computer, but i just didn't care at the time. and so TexJohn calls my cell phone, friggin' YELLING at me about my friend talking shit to him, blahblahblah. i don't recall what else was said, but i do remember hanging up on him. i had a nasty email waiting for me this morning.
i thought i was done with shitty weeks last week. *bring on the rain.* -jo dee
20 Feb 2020 hrs

*somewhere out in america it's raining.* -afd

happy birthday, robert john.

sweet. so i failed my geology lecture exam. FAILED IT. i haven't gotten an F in so long. i'm really pissed off at myself for it. i don't get F's. I don't get C's, for pete's sake.
i got an A on my marketing exam, though. i'm not sure that i feel any better knowing that. i really don't think i do.
evidently me and FBH are fighting, and because of that bal and i are not talking. turns out bal thinks i should go asking FBH for answers as to why she's being a fucking psycho right now. yeah right.
if she has something she wants to tell me, she can say it. but apparently she's NOT going to, and that's the reason this is all happening. she doesn't want to talk to me about scruff. maybe 'cuz she thinks i won't listen. but the whole thing is, i hated when she didn't talk to me about him. it sucked. and i told her like.. last time we were home, i think?, that i'm really happy we talk about him now. and i thought she was telling me everything up 'till like, a week ago. and maybe she was.
but ever since i made the decision to see where things will go with BJ, she's been acting fucking weird. like, she hasn't been talking to me and she's been acting all shitty when i'm around bj and she's there, too. like, i wonder if she wants me to just ... not act like we're together?
and i KNOW that she thinks me and BJ are a bad idea. like, 'cuz she knows that i believe that eventually ben and i will end up together. but how the hell do i know that? why would god send BJ into my life without a purpose?
and she told me she wasn't going to judge me, 'cuz that's not what friends do. like, sure.. we're not going to always agree with every decision our friends make, but that's the beauty of friendship. but apparently she is judging me for my decision.
and i will NOT go begging her for answers. she can come talk to me, or we can sit on it. six and one-half dozen, really.
20 Feb 1055 hrs

*get away from me. get away from me. this isn't gonna be easy, but i don't need you, believe me.* -afd

right. so, apparently FBH thinks i talk about BJ too much. and probably that i don't listen to her enough about Scruff. i'm not sure, 'cuz she won't just TELL me. she'd rather say shitty and snide things in a roomful of people. and like, whatever, i guess.
"are you jealous that i have a boyfriend and you don't?"
YEAH i am.
19 Feb 2345 hrs

*are you willing to wait for the miracle?* -mc

happy birthday, mama!

so, seriously, sports suck right now. the avs can't win to save their lives all the sudden. i mean, tying toronto? 5-5, even. yikes.
plus, it's made all the worse 'cuz st louis is in first place in the league. and, of course, BJ is a big Blues fan. gross. just so long as he doesn't like the fraiders we're okay.
down with the avs losing, though.
19 Feb 0924 hrs

*just a few more weary days and then i'll fly away.* -wy/gary chapman

i really love the apostle's soundtrack. i'm a big fan of gospel. i also am, as you know, a big fan of lyle lovett. and he has a song on the soundtrack. he rules.
let's see. went home yesterday to surprise my mommy for her birthday. that went well. ison and i went and talked to our grandparents for a while. that was fun. my pa doesn't sound very healthy. but.. i think he's hanging in there. so, it ended up that ma, tonio, ison, gram, pa and i went to dinner at our favorite restaurant. greek salads..mmmmm. i digress. it was good. ma was happy to see me, and i was happy to be there.
i talked to ben for a big minute last night. that was good. he sounded different.. like there was something he wasn't telling me. but i asked him if he was okay and he said he was. so..i hope so. i really like talking to him, 'cuz i feel sometimes like we have our own secret language. a lotta people can't understand him, i think. 'cuz he has a drawl. and he talks fast. i guess i'm just so used to talking to him that i don't notice. sometimes he confuses me with his diction. but i feel really comfortable talking to him... like no matter what i say, he's okay. everything will be okay. i suppose that's the comfort that comes from the type of relationship we have.
on a much more obnoxious note, i cannot find john rich's CD anywhere. it's really annoying. his song i pray for you is one of my favorites of 2000. quickly becoming one of my favorite songs of all time. it's mentioned on my soundtrack, as a matter of fact.
so, i imagine you all have heard/read/seen about dale earnhardt by now. quite sad. i'm sure all nascar fans are hurting. i think NASCAR is one of the more intimate sports around. i mean, there's not a lot of competitors, when you think about it. i hope everyone who watches NASCAR just for the races don't feel good about it. god bless his family.
david's home from florida. we talked for a while tonight. he feels weird talking to me, i think. he says it's 'cuz of mary.. but i'm like, okay with that. i mean.. obviously. but he doesn't talk to me about her. when i ask how she is or how the trip was or whatever he'll give me a one-word response. and i know he doesn't like talking to me 'cuz of BJ. which makes me sad, but like, what does he expect? he made his choice. and i think...in retrospect...he made the correct choice. and i'm happy. and he's happy.
i cannot believe sara evans covered edwin mccain's "i could not ask for more". so not cool. i do not like covers in general...but when she covered that song?! oh lord.
i don't like covers, and i don't like remixes. i don't know what it is, but i just don't like 'em. especially when country singers cover like.. pop songs? 'cuz then country fans think it's a country song when really it isn't. blah. i think i may take music too seriously.
18 Feb 2031 hrs

*yesterday my life was in ruin. now today, God knows what i'm doing. anyway, i should be doing all right...* -queen

i'm sick. i think it's 'cuz the other night i was sitting in here working on the 'puter and i had my balcony door open, 'cuz it's like, 75640324168 degrees in my room. and i was chillin' in a sports bra, even, 'cuz it was so hot. i think my body didn't appreciate the hot/coldness of my room. plus, i was extra stressed and worn out last week. but i'm feeling better this evening. hopefully i'll get to go home tomorrow and surprise my mommy for her birthday.
i'm really happy that all my stuff is done. especially my NSE stuff. i talked to the coordinator here and she said that since neither of my choices are like, very popular.. i'll have my choice. which means i'll go to California U in PA. it's right by west virginia. i'm excited.
i'm more excited for transferring than i am for staying here, 'cuz it's gonna be hella hard to get a job on staff next year. there's just SO MANY people applying, especially girls. and there's not that many openings. we'll see, though. if i get a job here, i won't transfer. just 'cuz, how can you beat free room and board?
i really hate when i have to tell people something like, 12 times. i do that with mom ALL the time. and with mom.. like, i can give her a little bit of slack 'cuz she always has SO MUCH going on. but i hate when people don't remember things. like, i always have to explain things fifteen times. except to bal and FBH, 'cuz they pay attention to detail, too. blah.
i think i shall go take a shower and try to wash away the sick.
16 Feb 1818 hrs

*still the window burns, time so slowly turns, and someone there is sighing. keepers of the flames, did you hear your name? did you hear your babies crying? but now the dreams end, and now the dreams end. they everlast the night, so build a wall, behind it crawl, and hide until it's light. so can't you hear your babies crying now?* -metallica

i just wanted to say that the girls will return victorious yet again. this time from spring break. yay us!
and yay for our help. :]
12 Feb 2325 hrs

*where would we be without the wisdom of our sins?* -strawberry bandwagon

man, last night was so awesome! priscilla put me in a much better mood than i was yesterday afternoon. then we listened to some coyote ugly soundtrack. then some hav plenty. then some Queen: Greatest Hits.
so we got all yummied up and took some pictures and headed down to the auditorium where the dance was. we ate chinese food (did i mention ever that the theme of the dance was a night in the orient?} so we had some awesome student entertainment while we ate. alex (strawberry bandwagon, from above,) was AMAZING. she got up there with her guitar and sang her little heart out. absolutely captivating, she was.
then god's house performed. they were hella awesome, too. cracked me up. they sang some funny songs. then the lead singer sang "when you say nothing at all" to his girlfriend. that about made me want to gag. but i guess it was sweet ... in an obnoxious way.
god's house sat right in front of us for dinner. and the last entertainment.. the "professional" entertainment.. was this a capella group. they were like, 4 semi-old ladies who sang all these old school songs. seriously old school. not one of their songs was released after 1970. they were so boring.
but thankfully we had god's house to entertain us. i can't really describe what they were doing. suffice it to say they were extremely funny.
so after dinner bal, FBH 'n i went back and changed outta our nice-nice dresses. my dress had hella itchy straps and i just could not imagine spending another four hours in it. so i changed into a skirt.
the dance was super fun. bal and i were all over the place. i think i sat out like, two songs the whole night. FBH was having back difficulties, so i don't know how much fun she had. but i thought it kicked ass. i've never had that much energy in my life.
after we cleaned up everyone went to denny's. that was okay. it took like, two hours to get out of there. so i went to bed at 0400-ish. it was insanity.
BJ gambled the whole night. except for slow songs. he came out and danced with me a few times. he looked great. :] he's good looking to begin with, (hence the hottest RA EVER), but he got all dressed up and shaved and got a hair cut and everything. he looked very nice. :]
so, turns out the ritz was a lot of fun. i'm glad i went, and i'm extra glad bal, FBH and i got to have that fun together, 'cuz we probably won't get to again any time soon.
10 Feb 1501 hrs

*spilt my blood in the Holy City. seen the flood of a thousand rains. I ran away from the Holy City; heard the spirits in the steeple singing, "you'll be back again."* -em

so, tonight's the ritz. bj is no more excited today than he was two weeks ago. he's actually less excited, which i didn't think could happen. i keep telling him that he doesn't have to go, but he won't back out. i dunno what his deal is. but he better not whine tonight once we're there. blah. i'm totally not even looking forward to going. i'm looking forward to dancing, but just not like, being there. i dunno. i'm really not looking forward to getting ready. i HATE dressing up. i hate dressing up more than i hate beets, even. but i don't hafta wear hose! or high heels, even. yay. i'm sure it'll be okay once i get there.
ben suggested i listen to a howie day song. "she says," as a matter of fact. i really like the song. y'all should check it out. i actually am quite shocked that i like a song that ben likes, since we're so opposite most times as far as music goes. i had a friend download 'she says' for me and then we tried to put it on CD and it didn't work. i'm quite pissed off.
i think i shall take a nap for a couple hours 'till i have to start getting ready for the stupid dance. i hope listening to priscilla will get me in a better mood.
we shall see.
09 Feb 1306 hrs

*but i, i took the sweet life and never knew i'd be bitter from the sweet. i spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free. hey lady, i've been to paradise...but i've never been to me.* -charlene

honestly, i think one of my favorite CDs and definitely my all-time favorite soundtrack is the adventures of priscilla: queen of the desert. it rules.
i had a kick-ass entry going, then AOL booted me off. down with that.
so, did i write about how i got my invitation to NACURH? i did. i'm super excited. bal and i are going to work on a program proposal together. i hope it's accepted; i think it would be freakin' AWESOME to present at NACURH.
i just noticed that USC thinks the closing banquet will be two and a half hours long. yeah right.
so, our delegation was offered the opportunity to earn $1500 towards our trip. which, essentially, is $100 off each of our cost. right. turns out we have to call members of the alumni association and ask for money. (alliteration!) i HATEHATEHATE asking people for money. seriously. but once i get a better attitude about it, i'll be okay.
so, i have my application to be an RA due next wednesday. that's going shitty, too. i hate crap like that. i hate resumes.
AND next wednesday i have my application for NSE (nat'l student exchange) due. i gotta get that done this weekend. i've been studying the schools i'm applying to, and i'm really excited about the opportunities each of them present.
so i'll turn those two things in next wednesday and then wait 'till 01 April to find anything out. and on that day i will find EVERYTHING out...which skools i was accepted to, and whether or not i got a job here on staff next year.
that's when the big decision will come. do i stay or do i go? heh
i think perhaps the only person who i've read recently who rivals andreas as far as writing goes is james. his writing is just so emotional. it makes me want to cry sometimes.
i wonder what happened to the emotion that used to fill my journal entries.
06 Feb 1416 hrs

*will you stay with me? will you be my love among the fields of barley?* -sting

andreas got the song stuck in my head.
i had a pretty blah day today. made it to all my classes, which was incredibly hard. i've been to all of my GOelogy (sic, FBH) lectures this semester. down with that. our teacher reminds me of willy wonka. he looks like him. and he says incredibly funny things like, "diamonds are hideously rare." he's insane. insanely boring.
mmm...God's been working awesome, awesome miracles in my life lately.
today mattD picked a fight with me. it was hella annoying, mostly. i wanted to kick his stupid butt. but then i had a meeting.
wow. i'm abnormally tired right now. it's only midnight, too. i'm going home tomorrow, so maybe tomorrow night i'll be able to update for real. if ison's not being a nazi.
01 Feb 2352 hrs