*two is a perfect number, but one? well, everybody's happy. everybody's free. we'll keep the big door open and everyone'll come around. why are you different? why are you that way? if you don't step in line we'll lock you away.*

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The days of yore.

Others.
hoar
hoars times two
erin
xhael
andrew

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*ain't it funny how a melody can bring back a memory?* -cb

yeah, for the record, i think bush is an idiot. and i sincerely hope that he doesn't fuck up as much as i think he's gonna.
we watched election coverage for EIGHT HOURS tonight. EIGHT. oh my GOSH. and, all of the ballot issues in colorado that i wanted to pass (or not, as the case may be), did. except marijuana for medicial purposes. and, i agree with that like.. as a whole, but not the way the amendment is phrased. (my goodness i wish that was more clear.)
yeah. i think i better just go. i'll write tomorrow. 08 Nov 0028 hrs

*and i can never be the apple of your eye, the story of your life... i'll never be your superhero.* -?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SARAH!

today is also my dad's birthday.
tonight i told sarah that i'm sorry she feels like she can't talk to me about ben. i mean, clearly the fact that i was so angry/sad/depressed/in denial had something to do with it.
and i didn't really (and don't very much now) have the desire to hear about their relationship. but i know i have to. firstly because i'm not being fair to myself if i don't acknowledge the fact that he's moved on. and second (and most importantly) because i'm not being fair to her. i'm not being a good friend if she has to hide such a HUGE part of her life from me. and i'm not going to get over the feeling of awkwardness between us when she talks about him, if i don't suck it up now.
last thursday i laid with eugene in his bed and read Song of Songs from the bible. (i'd like to give you a link, but turns out bible.org doesn't have one.) and it was really special and important to me. the book is about these two lovers who are distanced by all this crap. and it's like, a dialogue between the two of them. and he told me that it was really important to him that we could do that. that we could read the bible together. and it was important to me, too. and we were there because his new girlfriend(?} didn't call LIKE SHE SAID SHE WOULD. 'cuz she's EVIL. but when she did finally call 3 hours after she was supposed to, *I* got kicked outta the room. i got kicked out of the bed.
and like, he's such a wuss about her. and she's NOT a good person. and i don't know if he doesn't LISTEN to me when i tell him that, or if he just wants to ignore it. either way...it's kind of frustrating. and like, i know i sound all bitchy right now. it's just that i don't want to see him get hurt. and oh, what the hell.
i told him that i'd be there for him regardless. (rob would say, 'irregardless' right there. lol) and i will. i just wish he would pay attention to his brain instead'a his heart. 'cuz she's gonna screw him over.
so, it turns out it wasn't Mr. Lucero that died. it was my AP English teacher, Mr. Rivera. and it's still sad that he's dead. but it doesn't have as large an impact on my life. but i still can't find a way to shake this sadness.
i remember this one time rivera walked into class and one of the boys i didn't like goes, "Rivera, what'd you do this weekend?" and mr. rivera goes, "smoked a bowl." dead serious. it was really funny.
i have this friend at school named nick. and we like, didn't really know each other 'till this one night. and he walked into the TV lounge and is all, "who wants to go on a walk?" and i didn't really want to, but i did anyway. and we walked and talked for two hours. and i really learned a lot about him.
and i feel like i have a better, deeper relationship with him now, even though we don't ever like, hang out. and he knew that tonight was kind of a bad night for me. and i was laying on one of the couches, on val's pillow, and he walked over and sat on the end table and said, "are you okay?" and i wasn't. but i don't know how to say that.
and he said, "i'll come over sometime. we'll talk. you should come into the TV lounge soon." but like, i just don't feel comfortable there anymore. i dunno how to explain it.
i feel like there's this giant division between me, the boys, and mel & amanda. and i could probably get past that division if i REALLY tried. but i'd be the only one trying. no one else probably even notices that all the sudden i'm on the outside looking in, wishing i was in on the jokes...part of the jokes. i don't care.
and i'm the total opposite. i really try to make everyone feel welcome. i try to hold my arms out and let everyone feel a part of my love and friendship. and i think maybe i'm just overly sensitive. like, they probably don't even realize i'm hurt.
i mean.. i hope to god, i pray that eugene knows he's hurt me. i hope tomorrow when i see him in music appreciation, he recognizes the hurt in my face. and i hope he knows that when i can't tell him what's wrong, it isn't because everything's okay...it's because i don't know the words to tell him. i don't know if i'm upset that she was there and i wasn't, or that he had that STUPID grin on his face when he answered the door, or what. i just know that i'm upset. and i know that i was PISSED when i left there tonight. and yes, i recognize that i have no right to be.
fuck it. 06 Nov 2220 hrs

*i wish for all the world that i could say, 'Hey Elizabeth, you know... i'm doin' alright these days.' but i can't sleep at night.* -cc

i'm back on a counting crows kick. i dunno how or why, but sometimes the lyrics to almost all of their songs strike a chord with me and i'm fixated by that.
this was a really weird weekend. i mean, like...violently weird.
i went home friday 'cuz i was feeling like crap. i get hives when i get stressed, and i must have been REALLY stressed, 'cuz i was REALLY hived out. and it was REALLY annoying. and i just wanted my mommy.
so the doctor put me on these KICK ASS pills that make me tired ('cuz i hadn't been able to sleep while i was hived out), so i slept 'till 1400 saturday. then mom and i went to drop off some clothes at the dry cleaners, get some gas and get some food. (arby's. mmmm.) and so on the way home, we're driving down our old street (which is massively turning into a speed zone), and we're not speeding or anything, and our light is green. and we're going straight. and there's a minivan going the other way, waiting to turn left, 'cuz the driver saw us coming and clearly wasn't in the mood to get in an accident. but evidently the person the van was, so he pulled AROUND the van, and tried to turn left, but by this time we were like, RIGHT there. so mom slammed on her breaks, and when we finally hit him, we were probably going like.. 20 mph. and mom was PISSED. lol.. she FLEW outta the car, cursin' like a sailor. and i was like, "WHAT IN THE HELL?!"
so yeah, that guy's car is messed up. and mom's front like, taillights are kinda icky...but overall her car held up like a champ.
and before the accident i was talking to mom about joyce. and like, i'm not really into televangelism that much AT ALL, 'cuz i think the big lot of televangelists are morons. but she's actually really rad. and funny. anyway. friday night she was talking about walking in love. and like, if you drop a piece of trash in a parking lot and leave it for someone else to pick up, you aren't walking in love. if you knock something off a rack in a department store and don't hang it back up where it belongs, you aren't walking in love. and it's definite that if a person doesn't walk in love, what goes around, comes around. i know that much for sure.
and no one stayed at the accident scene with us. this lady pulled around the corner and goes, "i called 911," and drives off. but no one stayed to be witnesses. like, not even the MINIVAN that the guy we hit had to GO AROUND stayed. wtf?! and i hope all of those people feel that someday. i mean, it isn't christian...or even very nice...of me to wish that upon them, but what the hell? it's their DUTY as citizens to stay. dammit.
so then i came home and ate my food and i dunno...did some other stuff that i can't remember, 'cuz i was all drugged up...and checked my email. and there was a message from Ren telling me my favorite high school teacher had died. and like, she thought of me first when she heard about him, which should tell you something. i LOVED that guy. i took every single class he offered. i busted my ass in his class 'cuz he expected it out of me, and because i wanted to prove to him that i wasn't retarded, and that i COULD be a good student if wanted to. and on graduation night i was leaving and he said, '[insert my last name here], do you think you're leaving without giving me a hug?' and i went back and said, 'Mr. Lucero, thank you. for everything. i love you.' and he told me he loved me back. and that was a very important part of my life.
and i went back to school maybe like, twice since i've graduated, and i always went to see him first. and he'd tease me about gaining weight. :)
and i guess he died of lung cancer. complications during his chemo, technically, but the same thing...really. and that makes me hate cigarettes even more.
and like, he fought a lot. all throughout high school kids were teasing me about him being gay. and i was like...no, no he isn't. but maybe like, the year after we graduated (?), there was a big fight within my school system about gays and rights and whatnot. and he came out ON TELEVISION. it was the first time he ever acknowledged to the students.. being gay. and i know that was a scary time in his life. but i'm glad he got to do it before he died. i know it was probably HARD at first...but it was probably easier later on, not having to carry that burden around. and i wish i would have told him i was...AM...proud of him.
and i've always tried to live my life so i never had a "If Tomorrow Never Comes" moment. but with him i do. 'cuz like...since he cared so much about me, and put so much faith and trust and love into me, i feel like i owe him SO MUCH. and yeah, it took me a couple years to get my shit together in college, but now i have. and i wanted SO MUCH to be able to share my graduation with him. and all of my future successes. and now i can't. and i never told him that it mattered. it mattered that he was a teacher. it mattered that he saved me. it matters.
and it snowed and shit today and it made my drive hellish...but that all--everything--seems so dwarved. i thank god that i'm alive. and i thank Him that i had time with Mr. Lucero.
i'll miss you. thank you for believing in me. i love you. 05 Nov 1901 hrs

*please tell me you will remember, no matter how much i do wrong, that i had the best of intentions all along.* -tt

iacurh=7 days away. my birthday=10 days away.
this week has been drama trauma. val's roommate came home sunday. and like, she'd been gone FOREVER. and while she was gone, val never locked the balcony door. none of us do. it's like, val and her roommate, me, and then my other neighbors. and we all basically think it's retarded to lock our doors, 'cuz the only people who can get in are us. y'know? and since we're all friends, and walk into each other's rooms anyway, what's the point? but val's roommate is all adamant about keeping ALL the doors locked.
so, we have these little S-hooks that lock our balcony doors, and i stole theirs. and val think's it's funny as hell, but her roomie definitely does not think so. her roomie like, locks the LATCH on the door. the latch, for god's sake! blah. and when i go to their room, i always knock like, 2 times real fast and then walk in, 'cuz val's just gonna say, 'Come in.', anyway. so her roomie the other day is all, 'Val, did you know Sara comes in without knocking?!' And Val said, "yeah?" and apparently that was the wrong answer, 'cuz it pissed her roommate off. lol...i just think it's funny.
i've been talking to scruff a lot lately. we're gonna get married. if we're not married when we're 40, we're gonna marry each other. or maybe before then, if we get impatient. and like, the first time i met him...he cracked me up. and he still does now. but now i have a MUCH greater appreciation for him as a person, in addition to my appreciation for him as a comedian. i'm glad that i know someone so well-rounded, 'cuz he's not really lacking in anything. and because he's so freakin' awesome, he should jump RIGHT up my ass.
i haven't talked to noah in like, 5 days. which isn't really that many. but our last conversation was sort of retarded. he left without saying bye. and after that i went and cried to my RA for 45 minutes about everything we are, or aren't. and she gave me a perspective that i hadn't wanted to notice. i knew it was there, and i knew i had to see it sooner or later, but i didn't want to.
but for the sake of my sanity and his patience, i will. 'cuz i don't want to push him away in the midst of trying to explain to him my feelings. and it sucks. 'cuz there's so much excitement going on in my life right now, and i want him to know about it. but when i talk to him, it's like even the really good stuff he doesn't care about. and like, ANY good news from him is cause for celebration for me. but he's so trapped in his pissed off-edness that he doesn't even recognize the good.
and there's nothing i can do about that. and that, my friends, is the reality of it.
i'm going home the weekend after my birthday, 'cuz the weekend of my birthday is IACURH. 02 Nov 1423 hrs