*oh, the snowflakes fell in silence over Belleau Wood that night, for a Christmas truce had been declared by both sides of the fight. as we lay there in our trenches the silence broke in two by a German soldier singing a song that we all knew. though i did not know the language, the song was "Silent Night". then i heard my buddy whisper, "all is calm, all is bright."*

The days of yore.

Others.
erin
xhael
andrew
bre
honeypie
andreas

Communication is Essential
Say something.
AIM
sign me

*and i never really sleep anymore. and i always get those dangerous dreams. and i never get a minute of peace. and i gotta wonder what it means.* -ml

real quick:
i'm having nightmares again. i think i wrote about this a couple months ago. not real bad ones that wake me up screaming and crying, but bad enough that i remember disliking them. and i remember being afraid in the dream.
my ear is hella clogged up.
i fucked my design up last week sometime, trying to add this one kick-ass script. turns out java still hates me and pitas. right.
i've been compiling my soundtrack for life. the songs that i think fit me best. i stole the idea (of course) from les. she has a list of her songs for her soundtrack here.
this is where you come in:
i want to see your list. rock you like a hurricane did a compilation of the 100 best pop songs, based on reader preference. i found it very interesting.
i'd like to see a list of songs that you think best defines you. or maybe just a list of songs that you've always really liked, maybe for no reason.
email me your list. it will be interesting to see commonalities.
i'll post what i have of mine after the beginning of the year.
this entry is longer than i wanted it to be.
please be safe tomorrow.
30 Dec 2205 hrs

*now everybody stands up, the congregation sings. it's a song of sweet forgiveness, and as the chorus rings, the wind blows clear my memory, the pages start to turn. then suddenly i'm singin' the moment that i learn...one of these days i'm gonna love me, and feel the joy of sweet release. one of these days, i'll rise above me, and at last i'll find some peace. then i'm gonna smile a little, maybe even laugh a little, but one of these days i'm gonna love me* -tm

horseshit! this whole week has been a bunch of horseshit. i write the worst when i'm pissed off, so please excuse me.
turns out david asked his girlfriend to marry him yesterday. WHAT THE HELL!!! like, yesterday i forgot to write about how he's only 85-90% happy with her. and he was 100% happy with me. but he asked her to marry him 'cuz he can't take the risk with me. can't believe that i'm still trying to make myself a better person...it's just taking longer than i thought it would. and like, i asked him.. if 10 or 20 years from now if he'll be okay with just being 85% happy. i guess he better learn to be, 'cuz he doesn't believe in divorce.
and THREE DAYS AGO he wasn't sure about it. wasn't completely sure whether or not he wanted to go through with it. and he told me he had to wait to find out, before he asked her. and apparently he didn't have to wait very long. eff that.
and i know i have no right to be pissed off in the first place. i know that. and i'm sure God is trying to tell me that i'll find mine..and he won't have a fucking girlfriend. but FUCK that! fuck God and his lessons. fuck this.
i'm not going to fucking cry.
i've lived without him this long, i can do it again.
i also forgot yesterday to write about how i must have some deep-seated need to be loved by men. and it would really make a lot of sense, given my situation growing up. and i've always teased and talked shit about Oph for that, 'cuz she ALWAYS has at least one boy giving her attention. and i must be the same way.
i wonder how you get over something like that. i wonder how one deals with being so needy...without getting to the point where they're so self-sufficient that they convince themself they don't need anyone. (poor grammar there. or maybe just poor agreement. poor diction.) a lot of time i think the problem IS that i'm too self-sufficient. that's why i don't ask people for help very often.
Scruff always gives me shit about that. he thinks i'm too tough for my own good. but like, all my life... i've never had one constant person who i could rely on for help. so i learned to rely on myself. and yes, i know i can't help myself the way someone else probably could, but i can't take the chance of letting someone in that much....i know everyone leaves eventually.
i bought myself a journal for christmas. a NICE one, too. yay. so i'm going to stop updating here for a while. i'm just tired of hearing questions. i don't write this to be asked questions...i write it so i don't carry it around with me.
have a happy and safe new year.
26 Dec 2053 hrs

*so, tell me, Christmas.. are we wise to believe in things we never see? are prayers just wishes in disguise? and are these wishes being granted me? for now i see the answering to every prayer i've prayed: [he's] coming home this Christmas day.* -trans-siberian orchestra

Merry Christmas, everyone!

wow...this year didn't even phase me. christmas came and went, and i barely even noticed. it didn't seem like christmas. probably because when i'm usually working to save up for presents, this year i was studying. weird.
turns out i really like trans-siberian orchestra. i'd never listened to all of their album "christmas eve and other stories", but the whole thing rules. especially the above song.
'twas a funny christmas. my sister and i always wrap our grandma's gifts for everyone else, 'cuz she doesn't like to wrap. so first i find a receipt for my eric clapton cd. (which, by the way, i had already found...been missing for at least a year, and then i find it AFTER i finally ask for it again...) then i was laying on my sister's bed and she was wrapping presents. she got up to open the window and she had like, a video in her hand. so i say, "what's that?" and she just laughs and shows it to me. turns out it was 'Fight Club' (KICK ASS!!!), which i had asked for. then she blames ME for asking. like she had to show me! then i found a receipt for 'Little Altars Everywhere.' eh...what're you gonna do?
i didn't get Walden, though, so i'm gonna hafta go get that tomorrow.
going on 08 days since noah said he'd call. right.
been talking to david a lot lately. G.I. Joe, as mandy used to call him. it's weird talking to him. i mean.. weird good. it used to be just weird, 'cuz i could hear how sad he was, and i knew that was a direct result of what an assclown i had been to him. but he, like myself, is a forgiving person. and i am truly thankful for that.
we're kind of in an awkward position, david and i. he keeps wanting me to promise that we'll always be friends...which sucks. not to say that it's all or nothing with us, but like.. i'm going to be pissed at myself for an ass-long amount of time if he marries this other chick. pissed.
and i really have no right to be. 'cuz he never did anything wrong, yet i was quick to point the finger of blame. i couldn't accept--'till two years later!--that the problems in our relationship lied within me, not him. and now it's probably too late to go back and fix things. and i'm sure God is just trying to teach me a lesson.
we're going out in a week-ish. that's going to be strange, too. 'cuz i've never viewed david as anything but a boyfriend. i've never tried to hang out with him just as friends. but, it should be fun. we have a lot of fun talking. even more fun now than we used to have. except that one night we went to the arcade. but that might just have been fun for me and wendy.
i've been a total anal hag about grammar lately. like, i hear a grammar error and some siren seriously sounds in my brain, and i'm all, "BETTER THAN I!!!", instead of better than me. (or whatever.) it's insane. by the way, who likes me alliteration up there? that was a good one.
oooh!! we had a white christmas here! the first in 32 years. not the first that there was snow on the ground, of course, but the first that it actually snowed ON christmas. it made me really happy. not that i really like snow that much, but just 'cuz it makes things prettier.
i've been SO GOOD about not revealing where i live. not that i'm like, afraid or ashamed to.. just that i don't really think it's any of your business, as FBH would say.
but saturday i went to the last football game at our stadium. (for you who follow football, it should not be a challenge to figure out where i live...) it was really weird. fun game! but weird. i've been going for 11 years. (i think...maybe 13. i can never remember.)
anyway...it was weird that it was the last game. the crowd gave jerry rice (damn these hints!) a standing ovation after the game, 'cuz it's supposedly going to be his last. but i've heard rumors that bastard is going to go to Oakland next year. damn that!!
right..back to the game. it's strange how certain people become so attached to things. it was sad for me to leave the stadium. i can remember SO MANY funny times there. like when the boys behind us used to be younger, they were SUCH CLOWNS! they'd talk all obnoxiously ALL THE TIME. Ison and i made up nicknames for them.
and the time Lance came down the stairs with a lot of hot chocolate and coffee during a cooooooold snowy game, and he slipped and spilt it over the railing.
all the records i've seen.
the way my sister, gram, and i have all found our respective seats. the way we've become so much like each other when we watch the games.
the ass-cold jacksonville game. which we lost, btw. piss on that.
so many good times. i'm really looking forward to the new stadium (bigger seats!), but i'm going to miss the old one. i'm kind of a sap like that, though.
oh! went to see What Women Want. it was pretty good. :]
25 Dec 2240 hrs

snowball fight rules
23 Dec 0212 hrs

*from high above, in the strong arms of the sycamore tree, you could hear forgiveness in the wind..* -pb

nevermind.
23 Dec 0134 hrs

*there is fiction in the space between you and everybody. give us all what we need, give us one more sad sordid story. but in the fiction of the space between, sometimes a lie is the best thing* -tc

what a fucked up few days this has been.
first, i talked to david. my ex. he's in the army. he's a good guy. turns out my string of fucking up relationships started with him. and he's practically engaged now. and i KNOW..like, i seriously KNOW.. i should be happy for him. but i'm so not. she definitely doesn't sound like the right girl for him. and whether she is or not isn't my call to make. but he sounds relatively unsure of being wed to her, so.. we'll see.
he and i talked a lot about the difference between the hypothetical world and the real one. and i really like the hypothetical world, 'cuz in it.. neither of us ends up hurt. (turns out neither = entire, with an h. i only know that 'cuz i typed entire when i meant neither.) and i can make him promises, and KEEP them. and we can love each other for who we are now, and in the hypothetical world, no one would be hurt.
'but here in the real world..', things just aren't like that. and i'm putting myself in the same situation i put myself in with ben when he tried to say he was really going to figure out who he was "meant to be with": me or sarah. and i WILL NOT do that again. i'm not going to lobby against a girlfriend. won't do it.

but the real story of the last few days is scruff and FBH. and like, writing about this...i'm pissed off. and i was pissed off when he tried to talk to me tonight. and that surprised me, 'cuz i didn't think i would be.
turns out they're all in love with each other or something. and that's not my beef AT ALL, 'cuz i really love each of them. i mean, i love both of them. and i want them each to be happy. and if they're happy together, yay even more.
I'M JUST PISSED THAT THEY FELT LIKE THEY COULDN'T TELL ME!
or more that they felt like they had to have some sort of pow-wow to determine A) Who was going to tell me, and 2) How said chosen person was going to do it. like they killed my fucking dog, or something, they had to have a pow-wow.
(i keep checking my email as a distraction, 'cuz i REALLY hate writing this. and i keep taking down my buddy list, then keyword-ing it back up, and the same damn people are still there. blah.)
and i know this is going to turn into some gigantically huge, blown out of proportion, retardedly obnoxious, prolonged fight for god only knows how long, 'cuz i'm writing this. and i'm writing more pissed than i am. that's how i get when i write. 'cuz if there's anything i take more seriously than i take LIFE, it's my writing.
and it pisses me off, too, that scruff couldn't tell me. that despite us working on becoming friends again after his ex--WORKING AT IT!--he couldn't tell me. 'cuz it was going to be hard? how? 'cuz he couldn't find the words? JUST SAY IT. and it hurt me a lot when he didn't talk to me 'cuz of her, but i'm equally as hurt that he didn't take the frigging initiative and say, "y'know..sara really counts on me. i've known her a long time. we're close," i should tell her. just out of respect for our friendship. not 'cuz it's his JOB, or anything, but 'cuz i've fucking known him longer. christ.
and this is not going to like, ruin any friendships. it's not going to ruin the relationship i have with either of them...'cuz i'm not going to take it to that level. it's just going to be me not wanting to talk about it right now. and it's going to be me pushing away the very friendships i'm bitching about keeping right now.
but they both let me down. and although i believe in my heart that i would have found out from either of them relatively soon-ish, i don't KNOW that...and that's disconcerting.
and of all the people who should be pissed off at this, i should be the last. 'cuz i brought them together. i KNEW they would get along. i knew they would just...click...and i should be rejoicing in their respective happinesses. and deep inside, i am. but outwardly, i just don't want to talk about it with either of them.
and FBH and i were driving to bal's house tonight, and it was silent. it's NEVER silent when she and i are in the car...but it was tonight. and i could tell something was bothering her. and when she finally apologized (again) for the way things ended up going down, i told her it was fine. and it is. i just don't want to accept that right now.
21 Dec 2330 hrs

A Marine's Christmas

'Twas the nite before Christmas, he lived all alone
In a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this house did live

As I looked all around, a strange sight I did see
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree
No stockings by the fire, just boots filled with sand
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands

With medals and badges, awards of all kinds
A sobering thought soon came to my mind
For this house was different, unlike any I'd seen
This was the home of a US Marine

I'd heard stories about them, I had to see more
So I walked down the hall and pushed open the door
And there he lay sleeping.. silent, alone
Curled up on the floor of his one bedroom home

He seemed so gentle, his face so serene
Not how I pictured a US Marine
Was this the hero of whom I had read?
Curled up in his poncho, a floor for his bed?

His head was clean shaven, his face weathered tan
I soon understood this was more than a man
For I realized the families that I saw that night
Owed their lives to these men who were willing to fight

Soon around the nation the children would play
And everyone would celebrate a bright Christmas day
They all enjoyed freedom each month and all year
Because of Marines like the one lying here

I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone
On a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home
Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye
I dropped to my knees and I started to cry

He must have awoken, for I heard a rough voice,
"Santa, don't cry; this life is my choice
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more
My life is my God, my country, my corps."

With that he rolled over, and drifted to sleep
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep
I watched him for hours, so silent and still
I noticed he shivered from the cold night's chill

So, I took off my jacket, the one made of red
And I covered this Marine from his toes to his head
Then I put on his tee-shirt of garnet and gold
With the Eagle, Globe, and Anchor emblazoned so bold

And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride
And for one shining moment, I was Marine Corps deep inside
I didn't want to leave him so quiet in the night
This guardian of honor, so willing to fight

But half-asleep he rolled over.. and in a voice clean and pure he said,
"Carry on Santa. It's Christmas Day. All's secure."
One look at my watch, and I knew he was right
Merry Christmas Marine, Semper Fi, and good night..

A yearly treat for me to read. Another reminder of how truly thankful I am to all--ALL--who serve, have served and will serve our country. God bless you and yours. Merry Christmas
21 Dec 2307 hrs

*each day the sun sets into the west, her heart sinks lower in her chest, and friends keep asking when she's going. finally she tells them, "don't you know?there is no arizona. no painted desert, no sedona." if there was a grand canyon, she could fill it up with the lies he's told her, but they don't exist...those dreams he sold her. she'll wake up and find there is no arizona* -jo

turns out i wrote this last night when my sister was being the phone nazi and wouldn't let me sign on.
i sat down tonight and called robert. actually, i was laying here reading, waiting for my phone to ring--not sure who i expected a call from--when i picked it up and scrolled through the numbers i have stored in my directory. so many old friends. so many people i can't imagine talking to anymore, but i'm too afraid to delete their numbers, 'cuz what if i do end up talking to them again?
and when he answered, robert, i hung up. i don't know why i called in the first place. maybe he will be another case of me not wanting to let the past remain in the past. maybe i really did want answers. maybe i wanted to pick a fight.
maybe if i can just write...always write...i won't ever have to call.
E and his brother are coming down Friday. we're going to a football game saturday. we're sort of at an awkward point in our friendship right now. he's awkward around me, and it makes me feel weird. but, i think christmas break and not having to see each other EVERY FREAKING DAY is good for us. i'm looking forward to seeing him friday.
tomorrow i'm going to FBH's to get shorty. bal's going to be there. that will help drown my sorrows about not being able to check my stupid-ass grades. down with skool!
19 Dec 2236 hrs

*you're not through, they're not done with with you. did you think you were the only one who's been let down? so sleep tight, little boys of the new dam; let them drop in the quicksand. now i send back letters from the wasteland home, last slow dance to this romance on my own. may take two to tango, but boy, it takes one to let go* -wallflowers

i love that song. it took me such a long time to decide what part i wanted to put here.
seriously, DOWN WITH COMET CURSORS. i really liked them for a while, 'cuz i could always find some cute cursor to put up for you all to enjoy, but now they adopted this "you can't use our cursors unless you put our button on your website" philosophy. and like, i understand their need to do that.. copyrights, publicity, whatever...but what the hell? if a person visited my website and they didn't have comet cursor stuff downloaded onto their 'puter they got one'a them boxes that gave them the option to download or not the necessary stuff. DOWN WITH BUTTONS.
talked to noah tonight. can't figure out what's going on there. he won't like, give me definitive answers one way or the other. i'll ask him a question that is really quite easy to answer, and he'll give me some hypothetical "well, it really depends on blahblahblah" answer. and that just bothers me.
i dunno why i'm even trying to write right now. i can't write for shit when i talk to other people. maybe later.
17 Dec 2313 hrs

*we've tried to wash our hands of all of this. we never talk of our lacking relationships, and how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor. we fell through the ice when we tried not to slip. we'd say, "i can't be held responsible, 'cause she was touching her face. and i won't be held responsible; she fell in love in the first place." for the life of me i cannot remember what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise. for the life of me i cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins. we were merely freshman* -verve pipe

tonight we attempted to watch the green mile again. (see october.) and i talked to FBH and bal about how if one time you hear a song or see a movie or a TV show or whatever.. and that song or movie or TV show is then associated with something negative in your mind, you'll never like it again. it'll always give you that feeling in the pit of your stomach. that's how the green mile is for me. i just can't watch it. 'cuz i remember what happens at the end. i remember how truly sad and heart-broken it made me the first time i saw it, and i can't look past that.
so we went to the cafe` and had coffee instead. they worked on homework, and i read my book.
i called my poodle tonight. it was weird. we've always been able to talk freely and fluently about anything and everything when we're on AOL. and even when we hung out, i think we were okay with talking. but we can't talk on the phone to save our lives. and that makes me really sad. i'm not sure how we overcome that. five years...wow...you think we'd have the communication thing down.
i'm listening to mary beth again. this cd is really good for bringing out the sad/confused thoughts that tug at my heart everyday.
i think if i could have anything for christmas, i would ask for one more day as an innocent. i'm not sure how far back i'd have to go, but i would love just one day of happiness. one day where i don't remember every person i've ever loved. everyone i've lost. everyone i left. everyone who is left. one more day where i can play some soccer or read a book without worrying about why i don't have a 4.0. why i don't have a job. why i can't reach my sister. why i can't talk the way i write. why i can't figure out love.
i'd like one more day as i was before ben. or maybe before we broke up. or maybe before he left. i'd just like to be that girl one more time. maybe then i could figure out how to laugh. maybe i could be the type of friend i want my friends to have. maybe i could not want to be everything to everyone.
and then maybe i could remember that i don't have to try to be happy. and maybe i could remember that life isn't about the eternal quest for a soulmate. maybe i could know..maybe i could feel..that 'if you build it, he will come.' read between the lines.
i talked to noah a couple nights ago. he told me that ever since the night i told him i wanted some space, he locked his heart and his legs up in ice. and he couldn't move to me. and he couldn't feel me. and he still can't. and before like, when we first met.. there weren't any steps. we just sort of fell together. lost, confused, bumbling.. but we fit. and when we laughed, our souls laughed together. and when i cried, i know he felt it.
and he told me that if we're to get back together...ever...it's going to take a long time. it's a long road of recovery. and the work is mine to do. and i made him promise that this time.. if i do or say something that upsets him, he'll tell me. and if he wakes up one morning and feels like there is absolutely no chance for us, he'll tell me.
and i think noah is what i want. i think he's where i'll find my peace. but i don't know if i'll find it with HIM, or if i think i'll find it with him. i don't know if i'm in love with memories, or if i'm in love with him. and i don't know that i can find that out if i'm the only one working at this. i don't know that i'll ever find out if i love him if i'm the only one calling, the only one writing. i don't know if he'll ever find out, either.
but i think we both have to find out. i have to know. because i know i can move on, if that's what has to be. but if i don't try this.. i'll always look back and wonder 'what if?'. i always wondered what if with ben. 'till last week. or two weeks ago. whenever that was. but i don't wonder anymore. i know that's done. i know it's over. i know we couldn't work out...not anymore. and he hasn't said anything, and i haven't shed a tear. and i'm not sure that i'm happy about either.
all this over one movie.
14 Dec 0119 hrs

*it's only you and me, and we just disagree.* -bd

this has been the week from hell! i don't know if it's been a full moon for the entire week, or what, but i'm glad it's over. and i'm glad that i have to focus on finals now.
let's see. so yeah, ben and i got in that argument, and he hasn't talked to me since. and i haven't talked to him, either. his girlfriend talked to me, though. she's pretty cool. i remember like, earlier this year when i hella hated her...just for no reason. that's how girls are, though. :shrugs: but i apologized to her. she's aight.
anyway.
so, he and i got in that fight. then E and i got in that argument-type thing.
THEN like, wednesday, i think.. kluve sent me that email. maybe that was thursday.
then thursday night i called noah. and we talked for a while and finally i was like, 'am i stupid for holding a candle for you?' and he said, 'well, you usually only hold candles at vigils.' and i said, 'kaaay..am i stupid for leaving the lights on for you?' and he said something like, 'it depends on the wattage of the lights.' and i said, 'noah...be serious.'
then stoner started asking him all these questions and noah's like, 'i have to run across the street real quick. is your phone number still the same?' and i gave my number to him again. and he told me he'd call me back. and i'm still waiting. but at least i'm not waiting for him.
and it just makes me so angry that he never called back. like, at all. never called. never mailed.
and like, i KNOW how hard it is to tell someone that it's over. someone who doesn't want it to be over. when i broke up with rob.. i didn't really like, finalize it. and he's held a candle for me all this time. and it probably would have been a lot easier had i just made it final 9 months ago. but i couldn't do it. i thought it would be too hard. and i know i was wrong. i know i am wrong.
fuckin' a.
E came over thursday night and i cried for a solid hour about noah. just about like, after ben...there wasn't anyone who made me feel the way he did. but noah did. and he did it without even trying. the first night.. i felt it.
and it's okay if he's fallen out of love with me. i KNOW he knows somewhere inside him what's going on. i know he does. it's either still there...somewhere...or it isn't. and i'd rather him break my heart, than have him make me feel like robert must have felt.
what goes around comes around.
done. i'm hella tired.
oh, and then i lost my goddamn school id card and had to pay $10 for a new one for a WEEKS worth of use.
but, i'm gonna get an A, i think, in my business class. that makes me very happy.
09 Dec 1737 hrs

*he said i've been here for all these years, and what i know is this: if you look and listen close a man will show you what he is. you know the way I see it, you've been 'round but you're still green, 'cause tattoos and scars are different things.* -mg

wow. i get to go home in 08 days.
it's 1000 in the morning and i haven't been to sleep yet. long night. and i put some laundry in, so now i hafta stay up for another hour or something.
so much to say.
in my group...there's probably like, 15 of us. (if i reeeaaaally stretch it to include EVERYONE possible.) and one of my friends, andy, is having like, hella problems right now. and he's drowning them in alcohol. and there's 5 girls, and all of us have pretty much given up on him. and it isn't 'cuz we're not nice people. it's mostly because he takes our advice and our love and our friendship and spits on it, then throws it back at us. in our faces, even. and it's frustrating as balls, as scruff would say.
and we are ALL the type(s?) of people who forgive and forgive and forgive 'till we finally just snap. and somehow he has managed to make us ALL snap in a matter of 6 weeks. and he's moving out of our hall at the end of the week. and he sees it as like, the worst thing to ever happen to him. but we see it as such a beautiful opportunity for him. i hope and pray SO MUCH that he manages to find the good in moving to a new hall. but i think the more likely scenario is him hating it, him getting caught drinking (again), him getting kicked off campus, him dropping outta school.
and this is all..inherently..because of a girl. a GIRL, for pete's sake.
so.. e and i called it off. we had a talk and he told me that he basically agrees with ben. that he believes, too, that gays are committing a--and living a life of--sin. (wow. that was poor grammar and poor punctuation. KICK ASS.) and that the only way they'll go to heaven is if they ask forgiveness. and.. like, whatthehellever, i guess. i was really upset about it. i still am upset about it, when i think too much about it. but i talked to my RA and she said, "i guess you have to look at it this way: if someone had come up to you six months ago and said: 'could you ever date someone who didn't accept homosexuals, or who didn't think they would be rewarded as all good people are at the end of their life', what would you have said?" and i told her no. i couldn't. i couldn't then, and i can't now. and that's what it boils down to. and it's sad, 'cuz we both had a lot of feelings for each other.
while we're on the topic of bye-bye love, bye-bye happiness...kluve emailed me the other day and told me that ever since we've known each other, he's tried to hold on. but now he thinks it best that we go our separate ways. hold on, my ass! he walked away from me for a damn YEAR, and then waltzed back in all apologetic and shit. and i'm not even pissed about that, 'cuz it was a long time ago, and we've made amends. i'm just pissed that now that i STARTED to have feelings for someone else, he can't take it.
'cuz i guess i wasn't his friend when he was with yvonne. when she was everything to him. when she was perfect. i guess i've never dealt with him loving someone else, so i wouldn't understand why he's walking away.
i've been trying to decide whether or not i want to write him back. i guess even if i don't write him back now, and eventually i find the words to say, i can always write him later.
this has really been the week from hell.
last night we watched dawson's. me, bal, lynds, E, and some other girls that're always watching it with us. and it was a repeat. the last one from last season, i think. it was all about like, no regrets. and it also dealt some with homosexuality. like, jack's dad used to be hella pissed that his son was gay. and this was the first episode where he was ever okay with it. and jack said, "i don't want to be different. i didn't ask to be gay." and his dad says, "and i didn't ask for a gay son." and E told me afterwards that the whole thing was freakishly redundant. so close to what we had been arguing about. so close to the argument we're both so adamant and passionate about. it was perfect timing.
i haven't mentioned it in a while, but i seriously love dawsonscreekmusic.com. it's swell. i love the music on dawson's.
07 Dec 0954 hrs

*tell the truth, explain to me how you got this need for speed. she laughed and said "it might just be the next best thing to love." hope is gone, she confessed, when you lay your dream to rest. you can get what's second best, but it's hard to get enough. she wants to run away, but there's nowhere that she can go. Nowhere the pain won't come again...* -dw

in light of my fight with him, i attempted to talk to E about his feelings on gays ('cuz E is a big christian, too.) and it sort of turned out that we talked nothing about that and a lot on our relationship.
i don't know if i keep using him as a scapegoat, or what, but i know that i have never been able to love someone as much or as well as i loved ben. and i know a big part of that is probably my fault. i probably can't get over him. i probably can't accept that i CAN love someone as i loved him. i probably don't want to love another person, yet. but it's very hard to convince myself that i don't want to be in a relationship. that i'm not ready for one, even.
it happened with noah. it turned his heart completely around. it's happening with E. and there's not really much i can do to stop it, 'cuz the fact remains that i DON'T want the commitment. i don't want the ups and downs. i don't want the time spent together. as heartless and as bitchy as it sounds, i just want someone to appreciate me.
and i told E that i don't know what to do. i told him that i don't know anything. and he told me, "just pray." and i told him that i'm so angry with god right now that i don't think i can. why would god curse an entire 'race' (?) of people. why would god banish gay people to hell? why would he play such a mean trick on them? i can't worship and love ANY deity that would force its wrath on someone before they're even old enough to understand why.
i mean, he's just so loving and trusting in god. and i know tonight amidst his tears and anger and sadness and confusion...even ABOVE all of it...he was praying for help. he was praying that god would help me. not that god would make me love him. not that god would make me unconfused. just that god would help me be happy. and that's so him. and i pray for that for him. i just don't know when it's going to happen. for either of us.
04 Dec 2207 hrs

*when i see you, a blanket of stars covers me in my bed.* -cc

so. i don't know what exactly it is i have to say. i just know that i'm sort of disconcerted with the level of hypocrisy and closed-mindedness i have shoved in my face everyday.
right. so, he had an away message up today that said, "How would college football fans feel if a homosexual was given the Heisman? CHRIS WEINKE". so i said to him, "interesting choice of away messages." him: heh. me and chad came up with that. me:why? him: 'cuz i don't like him. me: and clearly the homosexual joke had to be presented.
i mean, seriously! apparently he's adopted this homophobic-ish attitude since he's "learned more about [his] faith." right. i've learned more about my faith (christian, just like he), and i still believe in my heart of hearts that god wants everyone to be happy. and i don't think, in the end, that god is going to banish gay people to hell for their lifestyle. 'cuz unlike him--and SO many other 'christians'--i don't think god hates gay people, just 'cuz they're gay. and i imagine that with all the ridicule and ostracization and hatred that gays feel, they wouldn't necessarily CHOOSE the gay lifestyle, if they had an option. which they don't.
and the boys here are all fucking idiots about gay people. especially gay men. which, i'm sure, isn't a big shocker. except craig. craig is kick ass about gay people. but he doesn't really count. but i'm just sooooooo tired of ignorance. so tired of it.
i mean, HIM of all people! GOSH.
04 Dec 1807 hrs