*you read my eyes just like your diary. oh, remember. please remember. well, i'm not a beggar, but what's more.. if i hurt you, then i hate myself. don't wanna hurt you. why do you chew your pain? if you only knew how much i love you. i won't be your winter. i won't be anyone's excuse to cry. we can be forgiven; i will be here.*

Others.
andreas
andrew
ben
bookhag
erin
getlost
girls-suck
honeypie
james
mark
mocksie
unitedwesuck
xhael

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The pages of history:
july - fumbling for words
august - school starts
him - 'cuz i had to get it out
september - trying to recover
october - rambling. still
early nov - death?
iacurh - leadership & inspiration
late nov - confusion continues
december - fights
january 01 - soundtrack, poem
february - too much time together
march - new skool
march - change of mind, change of heart

*and i'm nobody without someone like you*

I know. I suck.

Pinon Palloozza was a lot of fun. A really, really long day, but well worth it. There was a lotta people there. And some really awesome bands throughout the day. This band Soulstice played last. The lead singer was very Dave Matthews-esque, right down to the way he danced on stage and his overwhelming good looks. This random groupie brought these giant-ass hula hoops that were seriously as tall as I am, and I had some fun with one of those. Of course, since my back is still bruised from when i felloffmychair, the hoop hurt a little.

Then yesterday was CRA elections. (I wish I could link to them from my skool's webpage, but turns out the organization doesn't have a page, yet. 'Tis to be remedied next year.) We were there for five hours. It was really exhausting. For those of you who don't already know, I got the position. ($3000 scholarship!) I'm the National Communications Coordinator. I'll basically be organizing and planning the next two leaderships we go to. I'm really, really excited.

I got to talk to Matt a lot this weekend. That makes me many shades of happy. Matt's one of those people who like, the more I learn about him, the more I like him. His taste in music sucks, but other than that he's neat. Great, even. And I think I could get myself into trouble, if I don't remember my priorities.

Deep trouble.

I failed my Geology final. The best part is, even if I study my ass off for that stupid class, I still fail the damn tests/labs/quizzes/exams. ROCKS SUCK.

I'm down to my last somethin' or another. Black jellybean, that's it. Black jellybeans are the best.

When I was younger, like, even in high school, I didn't think it would be a big deal to live near my family when I graduated college. But now I really think differently. Like, I really want to live near my family after I graduate. We're not all that big; I mean, there's not too many of us. But, we're close, and I recognize that I'm very lucky to have that.

This 80's CD seriously kicks ass.

Summer of '69
500 Miles
Build Me Up Buttercup
Kokomo
Manic Monday
Centerfold
Come On Eileen
Heaven Is a Place on Earth
Jack & Diane
Karma Chameleon
Walk of Life
Hit Me With Your Best Shot
Kung Fu Fighting
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
Love Shack
We Built This City
Wild, Wild West
Black Betty

Don't be jealous.

Matt and I are gonna play a game now, so I hafta bid you, my lovelies, adieu.
30 Apr 2008 hrs

*why do you build me up (build me up), buttercup, baby, just to let me down (let me down)?* -foundations.

I made a really fun 80's CD today. Most of it is 80's, anyway. I'm really upset, though, 'cuz I wanted to put a buncha kick ass songs on there, but the mp3s were all effed up. The CD's still good, though. Don't you wish you were here so you could get a copy, too?

Turns out Matt doesn't have a crush on me. He's in luff with me. Which is, apparently, ten times better than having a crush. His away message says, "I'm not here this second, but don't go anywhere, I'll be black." That's so incredibly funny to me. I'm gonna be really sad when Matt's like, not on AIM for a while while (ooh..bad grammar) he's getting his internet stuff hooked up at his new apartment thingy.

Tomorrow's Pinon Palloozza. I'm excited to see how everything turns out. Our hall council (along with the other HCs and the housing office,) has worked really hard for months on this. I hope everything goes well. It's s'posta be hot as hell tomorrow. Sucks.

Tonight Val and I hung out with BJ and his boyfriends--Pat, Byron and Adam. It was really fun. I'm totally workin' the Pat-Val combination. I can't tell if it's working or not, yet, but I think it is. Pat's way hot, and so is Val, so I think we're on our way with the new cutest couple ever. (To replace the couple downstairs that so isn't the cutest couple ever.)

I finally got to see Almost Famous tonight. I see what all the hype was about. Unlike American Beauty, I thought AF was well worth the hullaballoo. I really enjoyed it. Mmmm...Billy Crudup.

It's 0200 and I have to be up at 0830 tomorrow. I guess I'll go to sleep, even though I'm totally not tired.
28 April 0016 hrs

*...you don't know what you do to me. but that wedding ring's as ugly as your husband is to you.* -mm

Today really wasn't that great. I failed my math test that I thought I would do okay on. Fucking inverse functions. Whatever. Oh, did I mention that I studied for my marketing test and it's really on Tuesday? That was fun, too.

Didn't go to hall council tonight. Bal told me someone picked a fight with her. That someone is so on thin ice with us. She likes to think she's cool and important, but it's really annoying the obnoxious way she...is. Blah.

We went to get ice cream tonight as a floor. I think half the floor went; it was pretty cool. The hot wire boys were leaving one of the other halls right as we were leaving, and we heckled them some. Then we heckled 'em on the road. That was especially fun. Stites was really embarrassed. That, of course, made Amanda and I be even louder, 'cuz we have no shame. Stites gets embarrassed too easily. She'll learn. So, then I was having this really good ice cream and my tooth broke. Mmmhmm, just chipped right off. It really pissed me off. I think my dentist engineered my fillings 'n shit so that they would break my teeth so he would get more money somewhere down the line. He sucks. Actually, he doesn't. He's really cool. For a dentist.

I caught up with BJ some tonight. Given that I haven't really hung out with him much in the past two days, it was really good. We went for a walk then went to get a late dinner for him. The nice boy at KFC has a little crush on me (or so I think in my world,) and thus gave us 4 biscuits and 6 pieces of chicken. It was really cool. Of course, I didn't have any of said food, so it didn't really matter to me.

Manda and Val got in a little tiff tonight. I think maybe it was God trying to show me what it's been like for Val the last month or two, being in the middle of Amanda and I. Val slammed the door in my face, even though she was really pissed at Man. That sucked. The argument wasn't over anything significant, so hopefully it'll be resolved at the fire drill (which we're definitely going to have) tonight.

I still am feeling sick. Mostly itchy, but my breathing is weird. Maybe Andreas got me sick. My eyes have also been really sensitive lately. Maybe that's from lack of sleep.

Whatever it is, it's making me really tired. My retort for Matt shall have to wait 'till tomorrow.

Oh! Me and Manda made out tonight! Don't be jealous.
26 Apr 2319 hrs

i asked matt to be a guest writer for the night. here's his jackassian entry. i'd link you all to him, but he's really hot and i want him for myself. sorry.

What's up, Colorado, this is your man Matt over in Orlando, Sunny Florida, here to 'straight up represent' my 'crib' and my gangsta roots. I'd like to take this opportunity, first of all to say thanks to Sara for lending me this web space, and secondly, to tell you that Colorado has got to be the weakest state on the map. Seriously.
Here's why:

1. Mountain time? What the fuck is that? Get with the program, people. Observe EST. It's the true code of the ninja that will bring honor unto your household.
2. The Rocky Mountains ain't shit. The Appalachians would straight up open a can on that ass, if they even wanted to bother with your sorry ass mountain chain.
3. You remember that cartoon show, 'Denver, The Last Dinosaur', where they found that dinosaur in an egg and named him Denver? That was the only pride Denver will ever know. Denver is the sorriest, most wack state capital, right behind Des Moines.
4. Don't even get me started on the Broncos and the Rockies. I'm sorry, what was that? The Avalanche? Who's even heard of the Colorado Avalanche?
5. The governor of Colorado is Bill Owens, and the lieutenant governor is Joe Rogers. If those aren't some white boy names, I don't know what is.

That's all I have to say about Colorado's sorry ass for now. Rest assured there's more to come. I'm not through with you yet, Colorado, not by a long shot. Watch your ass.
25 Apr 2305 hrs

*you never can tell. she just might be your dream come true.* -cw

I had a really good night last night. Talked to Ben, and we didn't fight. Wrote him a letter. Wrote my mama. Watched Billy Elliot with BJ. Went to sleep relatively early.

Then today was sorta weird. I only bowled a 111 in class, but that's alright 'cuz the team tourney starts Wednesday. I got a creepy/sad email from Noah, and I'm not real sure how to respond to it. More on that tomorrow, maybe. Or later. I turned in my letter of intent, and was given some advice by one of the members of the current exec board. BJ went on a bike ride and came back five hours later, causing me to think he was dead, or at least injured. (I'm all distracted 'cuz this is on my radio: "doctor, doctor, gimme the news. i gotta bad case of lovin' you." That's right, it's all 80s tonight.)

BJ's taking me to Barnes & Noble tonight. I usually get my book (I'm about 1/4 of the way through it now,) and sit in one of the soft, cushy chairs while he wanders through various sections of nerd reading materials. (Just kidding...he has pretty good taste in books.)

I was just talking to Casey (our hall council president,) and I realized that this week is going to be really shitty and busy and not fun. Tomorrow I have a hall council meeting, then I probably oughta study for my math and marketing tests, which are both Thursday. We're also having a NACURH meeting Thursday, and hall council is doing a BBQ. Friday I don't think I have anything to do. Then Saturday is Pinonpallooza. Just to give you an idea of how busy that day is gonna be, we set up at 1000, and take down at 0000. It's going to be really fun, though. The weather's supposed to be nice, (if you consider 82 degrees in the pseudo-desert nice.) I'm looking forward to Pinonpallooza, it'll give us a chance to see if our hard work has paid off.

This letter from Noah is really distracting me. I think later tonight I'll sit down and figure out what I want to say to him...what I need to say...what I have to say...what i should say. It sounded like this might be my last chance to say this stuff.

We're off to my book heaven.
23 Apr 2021 hrs

*i want to live, laugh, love just for today.* -cw

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, STITES!

So, I'm thinking back on what I did today, and man, did I ever do a shit-ton of nothing. I worked a little bit on my letter of intent for CRA. It isn't due 'till Monday evening.
I'm sleeping alone again tonight. I was laying in bed with BJ and I asked him, "Would you have stayed, if you were in my position?" And it doesn't even matter what his answer was. I DID stay. I AM staying. And I don't regret that decision at all.
I finally told him tonight about the complete story of Ben and I. It took me a while to explain the complexities of our relationship, to explain the misunderstandings and the misinterpretations. And I cried a little over the questions that still remain between Ben and I. And I think now BJ understands a little better why it hurts me so much when Ben and I fight. Why it's so hard for me to not talk to Ben, but at the same time it's sometimes harder to talk to him.
Ben and I got in a fight today about religion and what Christianity means to us, and what we think it should mean to others. It was really drawn out and traumatic. I was really pissed off. I just don't understand him sometimes.
I've realized that I'm really defensive of BJ. Like...if someone is being shitty to him, it pisses me off. Especially if it's one of my friends. And like, Amanda and I got into a fight about it last week (I don't remember if I wrote about this or not.) Like, a lot of times my friends and I get so passionate, I guess, about our bitchiness that we forget and aim it at the wrong people. And sometimes I probably misunderstand our typical teasing as somebody being shitty to BJ, when really, it's just the way we are. But like...I think sometimes guys like BJ get treated shittier than they should be. He's just so lax and "whatever" about life. Most of what people say just rolls off his back. Or so he would have them (me, too, sometimes) think. But I know it bothers him...and he knows it bothers him. And that's all that matters. The point of this is that I think sometimes people mistake his whatever attitude for him actually being whatever about life. And he isn't.
I guess now that it's 0400, it's safe to go to sleep. We're probably not going to have a fire alarm.
22 Apr 0346 hrs

*and now that you're gone, i can't cry hard enough. no, i can't cry hard enough for you to hear me now.* -wb

Last night was interesting. First, I slept by myself. (Didn't feel good, and needed some time to think.) Second, I got a note from BJ. Third, I got a letter from Amanda. Fourth, there was no fire alarm. Fifth, I slept straight through. It was really weird.
I bowled a 153 in bowling today, WITHOUT my handicap. I could so kick your ass, Matt.
Even better than the 153 is the fact that my pro-bowler of a nerdy boyfriend only bowled a 158! I totally coulda kicked his ass, if I wouldn't have choked in the tenth. Again.
I could still kick your ass, Matt.Manda and I just had to go do a little detective work. Turns out there's been some bottle throwing. I wore BJ's nametag. His boyfriend got all pissy 'cuz BJ never lets HIM wear the nametag. I dunno. It was weird.
Then hot Nic and his friends tried to get buck with us. That was pretty annoying. Actually, hot Nic just sorta stood there while his jackass friends tried to impress some none-too-pretty females. It was gross. I think I pissed both boys and girls off when I said, "Nic, they're so beneath you, honey." Amanda and Boomer thought it was funny, though. That's all that matters. I'm here for their entertainment.
Manda and I did some hangin' out tonight. Some scrompin'. A little humpin'. Mel said she didn't want to hump us, or something. It was disappointing.
The really funny thing is there's this little message war going on on Val's board, and Val isn't here. It started off with "Kurt's the best." Then it changed to various people are the best.. I'm, You're, Your Mom's, Matt's, Mat's...etc. Then I changed it to "Mel humps the best," 'cuz she's been humping everything/everyone lately. Someone changed it to "Mel humps Matt the best." I changed it to "Mel humps Manda the best." Clint changed it to "Mel humps Manda the hardest." I guess maybe that's only funny to us.
Last year, I wrote about Columbine. I'll include THAT letter here, too. I think I'm done after this. No more sad letters for my journal. For now.

(Please excuse the language in parts of this letter.)

First, and most importantly, this is NOT a tragedy. It is not a catastrophe. It is not anything that any person on this planet can describe. Some of the most eloquent newscasters in the state have fumbled for an entire day, trying to come up with descriptions.. depictions.. of the scene.

Pictures of glass windows shattered from here to high Heaven. Of SWAT team members from across the metro area standing on the rooftops of nearby houses. Of policemen, firemen, EMTs running, carrying kids, crouching behind cars. Of news anchors breaking down during a commercial break. Of sports teams putting THEIR games on hold in deference of something much bigger.

Pictures of the kids running from the school. Of kids laying injured or dead on the sidewalks. Of kids crying and hugging each other. Of kids praying in churches across Littleton. Pictures of kids riding buses to find their family members. Of kids running to their parents as if they were toddlers just learning to walk.

Pictures of parents holding hands outside an elementary school. Of parents crying. Of parents, the know-alls of the world, looking so clueless. Of parents waiting.. 8 hours after the shootings to find out word about their children. Of parents looking empty, hollow, and something much stronger than sad.

Pictures of a community pulling together. Of blue and silver ribbons tied to antennae, to doorknobs, to work areas. Of hundreds of people waiting hours to donate blood. Of flags at half-mast. Of high schools across the state closed. Of flowers in hospitals, in parks, in churches.

The radio stations are all abuzz with phone calls from experts.. psychoanalysts, psychiatrists, psychologists, family intervention professionals. More importantly, the stations are all abuzz with residents. Family members of Columbine students, kids who go to Columbine. Teachers in other districts, aching parents, postmen, office workers, garbage collectors, lawyers, the unemployed, old people, teenagers.

What's most frustrating to me in all of this is the fact that people are trying to rationalize what happened. This is NOT a rational situation. These were not rational kids who walked up to that school with pipe bombs and guns of all varieties strapped to their bodies. These kids weren't rational when they stuck pipe bombs to DEAD BODIES. They weren't rational when they hooked cars up to explosive devices and armed them to explode when the car was started. They weren't rational when they aimed for minorities and "jocks." They weren't rational when they walked up to a kid, shot him, listened to him scream, shot him again, listened to him scream some more, and shot him again, killing him. They weren't rational when they saw people hiding under tables in the library and walked up and shot underneath the tables. And they certainly were not rational when they laughed about killing people. This isn't a rational situation. There's no plausible explanation for this. There is absolutely NO reasoning for what happened, and there never, ever will be.

It isn't "the breaks." It wasn't "bound to happen." It isn't about these kids falling through the cracks somehow. It isn't about no parental involvement, no school intervention, the ostracization of these kids from their classmates, poor gun restrictions, or the fact that these kids obviously have no idea of right and wrong. It isn't "that gun shit," "those shootings," or "that crazy shit that happened yesterday." It's something much bigger, much deeper, much harder to swallow.

No, I didn't go to Columbine. I've never been to Columbine, and honestly, before yesterday, I probably couldn't have told you where it was. My school never played them in any sports; they weren't our rivals. I can't say that I even know anyone now who went to Columbine, and Red Rocks isn't that far from Columbine. But I mourn, grieve, scream, pray, bawl and question things now, too. Just as I would if I had gone to Columbine. As if those CHILDREN laying on the ground were MY friends, my classmates.

Half of you probably think I'm overreacting. Maybe I am. But, in my opinion, there aren't enough people like me. People who cry over people they've NEVER met, and probably never even seen on a street. People who cry just 'cuz there's nothing else TO do. People who wish there was something more they could do. People who get ANGRY when this is blown off, and not paid the proper attention.

I drove the 15 miles to school today, listening to the radio and crying. We talked a little bit in class and it was all I could do to keep my composure. I listened to one call this afternoon from a man who said, "I'm supposed to be a rough and tough construction worker... Last night I was sitting with my 13-year-old son and my wife and we were watching the television, and I looked over at my son and he was bawling. And I cried with my wife, and I thanked God that I had a son so compassionate. I cried that my son was crying over a tragedy he probably can't fully understand." The man hung up before the DJs could say anything to him, but by the end of his story I was crying too.

Mostly, I'm sad. I'm not confused, or angry, or hurt. Just sad. There's really no way I can end this. Perhaps Mayor Webb put it best when he said, "Hug your kids tonight. Hug someone else's kids tonight, because there's a lot of them who aren't being shown love. Most importantly, hug someone you don't know. Hug someone who doesn't look like you."

*~I hope my achievements in life shall be these-
that I will have fought for what was right and fair,
that I will have risked for that which mattered,
that I will have given help to those who were in need...
that I will have left the earth a better place
for what I've done and who I've been.~*
-C. Hoppe
Like Bob Marley said..
One love.
-Sara

20 Apr 2336 hrs

*she's the lesson i learned the hard way. now bein' lonely is the price i pay.* -cc

I'm writing another email update, 'cuz Andrew's really good at picking bad servers. Maybe they're moving diaryland over yesterday/today. In any event, here I am.
Thursdays most always suck. Today was no exception. Woke up, felt like crap, came downstairs, took a shower, took some allergy medicine, went to math, ate some breakfast, came back and went to sleep for four hours. When I woke up, I went and talked to Val for a while, then went and laid down in the TV lounge with BJ. I figured I had probably better go get some lotion that doesn't make me feel like crap, so we went to Target. Uneventful.
A quick run-down of my night. Came back, read an email from Mom, went to dinner, went to hall council, fought with some people over some petty shit, accompanied BJ to the dining hall, watched some Friends, went to NACURH, came back to watch ER, decided not to, read Ben's journal, tried to talk to Ben, got ignored by Ben, started this entry.
Further analysis of my night. Our dining hall does not serve very good chocolate pudding, but their jell-o is always stellar. (Um...we didn't have any chocolate pudding in there, buddy.) Our cohesive unit that once was hall council is now a buncha grouchy grouches pushing (mostly) their own agendas. Friends really wasn't that funny tonight. It was supposed to be super funny...but it hella wasn't. I was disappointed. NACURH better be worth all this stupid time and confusion and stress. What Ben writes in his journal shouldn't hurt me, just as what I write in mine shouldn't hurt him. But that isn't how it works.
Mom's been really cool lately. She emails me every morning, and I email her back every night. She's all about the support of late. She and Big T are coming up the weekend of 05 May. I'm not really excited, 'cuz that will mean BJ has to spend more time with stupid Tonio, but it'll be good to see my mom. And there's always the chance that Tonio won't act like a jackass.
At this time last year, I was still writing in my "paper" journal. I sent an email out to all my friends about Oklahoma City. (Sadly, 2/3 of the people on that list wouldn't be on it today.) I will include the email in this update. It's been six years now...I wonder how many people still offer up prayers for the families of OKC.

Five years ago today at 9:02 a.m. the Alfred P. Murrah building was bombed. 168 people lost their lives that day. One hundred sixty-eight people. Children, grandparents, veterans, spouses. No one was discriminated against when five tons of explosives blasted through that building. No one was left uninjured. Some escaped with cuts and bruises, but EVERY survivor has that day tattooed in their memory. How would you feel if it were you? So many people died that day. Maybe not physically--maybe they're still alive--but emotional scars cannot be healed the way physical ones can. As we all know, emotional scars tend to be forever.

I hope today you all take time to hug your friends, your family, your pets. I'm sending you all each kisses and hugs. I'm so glad you're alive. I'm glad you're in my life. Close your eyes and think about everything you have to be thankful for. It's easy in the "real world" to forget about everything that we're blessed with. I hope you take time out to count your blessings today.

I also hope you take some time out to recognize the lives lost. Or maybe the families and friends of those who lost their lives.

Sometimes things happen that we can't ever explain. Maybe Oklahoma City--just like Waco before it--happened so we may recognize the GOOD. So that we can find ways to band together to celebrate love and life.

Garth Brooks released the following song shortly after Oklahoma City. I'll dedicate it today to those still suffering; I hope someday they find peace.

I love you all.

Sara

The Change
(Written by: Tony Arata, Wayne Tester)
One hand
Reaches out
And pulls a lost soul from harm
While a thousand more
Go unspoken for.
They say, "What good have you done
By saving just this one?
It's like whispering a prayer
In the fury of a storm."

And I hear them saying, "You'll never change things.
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing."
But it's not the world that I am changing.
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me.

This heart
Still believes
That love and mercy still exist.
While all the hatreds rage and so many say
That love is all but pointless in madness such as this.
It's like trying to stop a fire
With the moisture from a kiss.

And I hear them saying, "You'll never change things,
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing."
But it's not the world that I am changing.
I do this so this world will know
That it will not change me.

As long as one heart still holds on,
Then hope is never really gone.

I hear them saying, "You'll never change things,
And no matter what you do it's still the same thing."
But it's not the world that I am changing.
I do this so this world we know
Never changes me.

What I do is so
This world will know
That it will not change me.

Oklahoma City
April 19, 1995

*~Of ALL the words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these:
It might have been.~*
-John Greenleaf Whittier

19 Apr 2144 hrs

*i'm falling even more in love with you.* -l

There's a bunch of girls squealing and screeching in the quad. Have I mentioned before how much I hate screeching girls?
The team had a softball game tonight. We lost, but Amanda's still sexy. I hit Pat's butt with a tennis ball, then blamed it on Bal. It was really cool.
I haven't gone to math once this week. That's really stupid of me considering A) I hate math, and 2) I suck at it. I have a bunch of math due tomorrow, probably. I'll have to ask Amber.
BJ and I had a good talk last night. We talked about what it takes to fall in love and how you know when you're in love. He said to me, "I think I knew I was in love with you when you left for spring break and I missed you that much. I've never missed anyone that much." It made me really happy. I told him that I knew there was no turning back when we were at the Ritz and we were dancing to a slow song and all the sudden it got fast, (it was sorta like that part in that one Freaks and Geeks where he was dancing with that pretty girl to that crazy "Come Sail Away" song by Styx, and all the sudden it got all fast...) Anyway, he just kept dancing. It was really cute.
We both had really craptastic days at bowling today. I was grouchy; he kinda got over it. He came in and gave me a hug and whispered into my neck, "I love you." It was awesome.
I almost wanted to say, "Oh, thanks. You're nice," just 'cuz we always joke about how funny (sad!) that is when people say that.
One'a the other RAs just stopped by and talked to me about the elections we're having this week. He's funny. I hope he wins the section of the election he's running for; I think he'd be really productive.
18 Apr 2023 hrs

*I can hear your voice. The ring of yesterday, it seems so close to me, but yet so far away. I should let it out to save what's left of me, and close the doors of doubt; revive my dignity. But, I can't go on as long as I believe, can't let go when I keep wondering where are you now? What have you found? Where is your heart when I'm not around? Where are you now? You gotta let me know, so I can let you go.* -bs

Yes. I just quoted Britney Spears. I think the end is near. Someone, gimme a kiss. Hurry. I don't wanna die, having never been kissed.
Matt, from last night--the one who doesn't like good music--is nice. I like to keep his webcam open when I'm working on my journal, or huntin' around for stuff I like. He's nice to see.
Want to hear my classes for next semester? Suck a lot, they do. Some sorta computer bidness class, Accounting, Business Stats, Managerial crapola, Business Communications, Macro(i think)econ, Spanish. Gross?
I asked BJ today if he would still love me if I was on the CRA exec board next year. He reluctantly said he would; what a nice lad. I've been thinking about running, since Bal is going to be all important and like, authoritative or something. And BJ's all authoritative. I need something to make me cool. Won't being secretary of the skool student council-type body make me cool? Please
Mom surprised me with the idea that she was thinking I would be paying for my car payment from June on. Which, like, is fine, 'cuz if I wanna wear the big boy pants, I should probably act like a big boy. (I probably confuse people who don't know me, when talking about being a boy.)
17 Apr 2228 hrs

*A tear fell on her ticket as she thought about their love. In just another minute she'd give it all up. Then she heard a voice calling, "Boarding flight 41." When another voice inside her said, "You dont have to get on."* -dc

This weekend was awesome! Even though I had to spend it without my friends (asses.) Turned out BJ was on B duty, so he didn't have to be back in the building 'till 20:00. And, he was working with one'a our kick-ass RAs and she let him stay out later.
Saturday BJ and I went hiking at the monument. We hiked No Thoroughfare Canyon. It was really fun. Some of it kinda sucked 'cuz my shoes have no effing traction anymore. And he apparently thinks I'm a sissy girl or something and can't climb up the rocks like he did, so he made me go up the steep-ass trail. But we hiked the whole trail. It ends at this giant wall of rock, with a little baby waterfall cascading down. It was awesome. We just sat there, watching the drops of water fly off the wall into the pool of water at our feet. Then we had to go home (much too soon,) 'cuz the sun was beginning to set. We came back and changed and went to dinner at Applebee's. We sat on the same side of the table, and I really hate when couples do that. We only did it, though, 'cuz I wanted to watch the avs play.
On a side note, I just wanted to let y'all know that my new friend Matt, whom I wrote about the other night, is not that cool at all. Mostly 'cuz he doesn't like Counting Crows, and partially 'cuz he doesn't like Queen. What kind of jackass likes neither of those bands?
So, yeah, went to Applebee's. Came home, watched The Other Sister, and went to bed. It was nice.
I cried at the end of the movie 'cuz I had a bunch of sad songs stuck in my head, and the movie made me sad, (even though it has a happy ending.) So, we talked for a while. He's probably tired of talking. He told me, though, while we were talking that he was sad when we were at the waterfall. And that made me feel a lot better; I thought I was the only one who was sad. So, we talked a lot...I cried some more.
Then yesterday we went down to my grandparents' for Easter. It was really good. We had fun, I think. He drove. He complained a lot about driving, but when I asked him if it was okay that he was driving, he said it was. No sympathy. He met the whole famn damily. My aunt said he's pretty. (He probably wishes I wouldn't have put that here.) They liked him. Mom and Tonio are all excited to hang out with him again when they come up here to take some'a my stuff to Denver.
So, I considered things a lot this weekend, and I've decided I don't really want to transfer. I want to stay here. My friends are here. My family's here. My boyfriend's here. Everything is good. And I would like to see what comes of me and BJ. I'd like to finish my degree out in three or four semesters instead of four or five (or six.)
I guess I'm probably being selfish. But I didn't really want to leave. I was so sad everytime I thought of leaving. And the email I sent to the necessary NSE people made me sad, 'cuz I am missing an opportunity...but the email didn't make me near as sad as the thought of leaving did.
I've been praying for some support. God'll come through soon enough.
16 Apr 2134 hrs

*my heart is homeward bound.* -'bama

i told you the other day, and i'll say it again: mocksie rules. why now, you ask? she started an anti-girl ring! she's the best. if only there were an anti-girl state. or city, even. man, would i ever be in hog heaven. (where did hog heaven come from? anyone? anyone? bueller?)
i met a really nice new boy last night. manda met him, too. he's really funny. except when he makes fun of her. then he's really not funny, and lookin' for an ass-kicking from a coupla pacifists. he reminds me a big lot of our friend john. he's swell.
bj and i went out to dinner last night. he took me out, more appropriately. he's number one. we went to some little wannabe 50's diner. it was alright. it was sorta funny, 'cuz like, there's all this memorabilia...elvis and all those good 50's and early 60's stuff. and then there's like, hendrix and the grateful dead and the stones and the doors? i just found it odd.
then we went and rented a buncha movies. we only watched the anime one last night. it was alright. i hate coming in at the 2/3 point of movies. BJ hates when i do it, too, 'cuz i ask a lotta questions.
we decided to go home tomorrow for easter. mostly to eat some not skool food. my family's excited to meet him. of course. i think he's sort of indifferent, as he'll never see them again, barring some weird movement from God that brings us back together after may.
erin and i read the first fourteen chapters of Job last night. that was really cool.
today i think i'll work on my geology labs that we have due monday. i'm gonna work really hard, too, 'cuz i really enjoy rocks.
14 Apr 1023 hrs

*gettin' funky on the mic like an old batch of collard greens.* -sdd

lots to write.
i'm fourth in the class in our bowling tournament. hooray for me! of course, BJ's first, so that kinda puts me in my place. always has to be the big winner, he does.
BJ's parents rock the house. they sent him a big-ass package for easter, and they sent me a bag of stuff! mmm...easter candy. whoppers. they rule.
i got an A on my marketing test. barely. but, it maintains my A average in that class, and that makes me a happy camper.they're always in my heart, though, those precious little ladies.
manda and i had a good talk last night about what's been going on between us. i felt a lot better afterwards, and i think she did, too. i'm happy we got things talked out without turning it into a big-ass melodrama.
went over to erin's last night and had a 2-1/2 hour bible study, of sorts. we read and discussed all of ecclesiastes. (bible.org, in case you wanna look up some stuff from ecc.) ecclesiastes is such a kick-ass book. it's all about like, sure, wisdom and being good and all that stuff is important, but the most important stuff is...essentially...eat, drink, and be merry. and that like, everyone is judged in the end. good and bad, smart and foolish...everyone. it might have replaced Job as my favorite book.
erin and i read passages and what they mean to us and how they relate to life and each other and boys and friends and love and family. it was really awesome. we got a surprise visit from one of our friends (who used to be REALLY good friends with erin,) and he completely surprised me by quoting bible passages. from ephesians and jeremiah, even. it was really cool.
tonight we're going to work on the first 12 chapters of Job, 'cuz as i mentioned above, it's one of my favorite books, and she's never read it. i'm excited.
i gotta go get ready 'n shit. mom's making me go to the post office (this early! she actually wanted me to go at like, 0800.) i needa get tax forms, or something, as i like to do everything at the very last minute possible.
13 Apr 0926 hrs

*i wish i was a girl.* -cc

that's such an awesome song.
let's see...don't think i did very well on my marketing test today, as a result of the fact that i A) didn't study, and 2) didn't/don't care. i probably pulled a B, but considering i was barely sitting on an A, i probably now have a B, and will really have to study for my last class. sucks.
i did a lot of our geology review tonight. val and i split up the questions...i think he makes half of them up, just to see how long we check for the answers. he's stupid like that. damn willy wonka.
i reallyreallyreally dig mocksie. she rocks. and so does millie. i like her letter to mom and dad.
i'm eating these red hots that my neighbor got from her work that are like...cinnamon, black licorice tasting. they're SO GOOD.
i think i drank too much pop tonight. since i drink so little of it, when i have more than like, a cup of it, it makes me sick. all light-headed and wheezy. sucks. i think this entry was going to have some substance, but that fleeting moment of inspiration and dedication hath passed. peace out.
10 Apr 2119 hrs

*feelin' pretty is so hard.* -wallflowers

ben's being an ass. mostly 'cuz he went to studio or something at like, 4 in the morning, and i got pissed at him. not like, PISSED...just disconcerted that he would do that. 'cuz i don't understand why he thinks it's like, safe to go out and work at four in the morning. or come home from working that late. there's no reason that he has to be out that late/early.
and he's all pissed off 'cuz he thinks i'm being a hypocrite. that like, 'cuz i'm not in a relationship with him right now, i have no right telling him he can't go out that late. and it isn't even about telling him he can't. he thinks he has to answer to me. and it isn't about that, either. it's about him not acting like a stupid teenage idiot who thinks he's invincible. it just isn't safe to be out that late. i wish it was.
he's also sad/angry that i haven't been talking to him much lately. and like, i told him that i haven't really been talking to anyone lately. except BJ.
and like, i feel a big-ass distance between bal, FBH and i. all the sudden, even, 'cuz i just wrote the other day about how we were closer than we had been in a long time. and i felt like we were. but i can probably count the number of times i've spoken to FBH this weekend. we didn't say one word to each other yesterday. and i'm sitting here with my kiddy sunglasses that they gave me on, and i'm trying to figure out why it is i feel so apart from them.
and part of it, i'm sure, is that i hang out with BJ a lot. like, when he and i first started our fling (which, by the way, was "official" two months ago today,) i didn't hang out with him that much. 'cuz it was still more comfortable for us to be with our friends most the time. but now he and i have our inside jokes and we are comfortable with each other. and i still love my friends. and they're still number one.
like, the other day bal and i were going to mail my NSE stuff and we were talking about how we don't spend that much time together anymore. and she told me that she understood. like, FBH with Scruff and me with BJ and skool. and bal's always chillin' with accent boy and matay. i dunno.
i guess i feel the bigger distance between FBH and i. like, she's treating me like she treats lyndsey. cordial, but only 'cuz she can't like, just out-right be a bitch. and it's weird 'cuz she and i just had a discussion like, i dunno, not too long ago, about our boys and my situation and hers and whatever. i dunno. i need to talk to her about it, but i'll do that later. once i survey the situation a little more. maybe i need to plow my memory for something that would have triggered her.
BJ and i are good. and like, it took me a couple days to get over the sadness from the realization that i'm going to have to give him up. and he took me out to dinner last night. it was fun. we went to blockbuster and rented a couple movies and watched them. it was really cool. we actually had like, an "us" night. it was nice. i'm really tired now. ooh. my clock says 0:00.
manda (FBH...weird, i actually just used her name) and i talked for a little bit just now. she feels put off by how much time i spend with BJ. and it isn't like, a choice. i don't choose him over her. or over bal. it just is. and i love bal and manda. i just really like him. i really like him in the "never felt this appreciation/comfort/stability before" fashion of a relationship. and someone pulled some hella strings with God to put BJ in my life. and i guess i feel like he deserves attention, too. like...given that his last relationship ended shitty. i just want him to feel as awesome as he is.
i think i'm done now.
08 Apr 2314 hrs

*well, i guess it would be nice if i could touch your body. i know not everybody has got a body like you.* -gm

george michael is the shit.
yep, it's 0900 on a saturday morning, and i'm awake. why? 'cuz my stupid NACURH delegation is going to pick weeds at some lady's house at 0945. who the hell wakes up this early to pick frickin' weeds?!
let's see...what's been going on. i don't know if i wrote earlier this week about how i'm disappointed/pissed off with myself about how close i am to letting skool go. especially goelogy. we only have four weeks, and i can barely convince myself to go to class. we have a test on thursday. i need to get the study guide for that this weekend and get some work done on it. i also have a marketing test tuesday. my math test is quickly approaching, also. (i can't believe it's already 07 Apr.)
it's hard for me sometimes to keep a focus on skool 'cuz bal and FBH just don't care. like, goelogy sucks, and we all hate it, and i have such a hard time focusing on the fact that i have to get a B in that class. and that's totally my fault. i need to pull my head outta my ass.
sent out my stuff for NSE this week. i applied for one'a their new apartments. turns out the apartment i'll live in is four-bedroom, four-bath. living room, kitchen, dining room. 1200+ square feet. it's out of control. and the beds are normal sized, and each bedroom has its own key. hooray. let's keep our fingers crossed that i get to live there and not with 300 girls in a dorm.
not much else. BJ's taking me out to dinner tonight. i think he's gonna let me go, and he wants to do it at a restaurant so i don't make a scene. i asked him if that was the case. he laughed and told me that if he was gonna let me go, he'd do it at a lunch date.
bal, FBH and i bought a big blue ball at Wal-Mart the other day. we've had hours of fun thus far. the big blue ball kicks ass. yesterday FBH got us in trouble 'cuz she kicked it hella hard against our balcony and rattled the railing and knocked over a jar our neighbors have out there. one of the RAs came out and wanted to yell at us, but then learned that we're too funny to yell at.
we're not talking right now, the three of us. i think i pissed bal off last night when i made some snotty comment about one of her friends. matay, it was, actually. his neighbors/friends left for the weekend and she said, "i feel bad for mat. all his friends are gone." i said, "i don't feel bad for him at all. if he hadn't been a dick to us, he'd still have friends here." she said, "when was he a dick to you?" me: starting from about thanksgiving on.
i think that didn't make her very happy. then something else happened (this was all at dinner.) i don't recall what else was said, but i got up and said, "mmkay, i think i'm gonna go back to the building." bal: before you yell at me? me: yep, 'cuz i'm super-inclined to yell in the dining hall.
so, i left. we were all gonna go to a BBQ last night with BJ and his softball team, but i didn't feel like going. they didn't end up going, either. so i didn't talk to 'em at all last night 'till i called bal to see if she was going this morning to pick weeds. and that was the last time we talked.
we spend too much time together. and like, the shitty part is there's always two against one with us. and it isn't like it's "against," really. it's more just that like, last night FBH hung out with bal. that's how it always is. it's so stupid.
so, we'll see how today goes. i'm gonna come home and go to sleep, no doubt. probably wake up in time to go out to dinner with BJ. come back, study some marketing, study some goelogy (assuming i have the study guide at that point,) watch a movie, go to sleep. sssooo close to going home.
oh! i totally forgot to talk about the hot boys! there's like, five or six really good looking men doing the wiring for our new internet/phone/cable connections. they worked right outside my door for like, two hours yesterday. it was so cool. mel was distracting them and i said, "leave the hot boys with the wires alone!" stites told me i was embarrassing. whatever. it isn't like they're oblivious to the fact that there's a crap-ton of girls ogling over them. might as well joke about it. when they left, BJ came downstairs and goes, "oh...did your boyfriends leave?" me: "yeah. sucks." he's fun.
i guess i better like, change clothes or something.
07 Apr 0901 hrs

*and i can't sleep at night...* -cc

i'm still trying to decide if i like diaryland or not. i've been thinking about keeping my journal in pitas and just using this for image hosting or something. but i think i'll stick with this for april...just to give it a real chance. and we'll see. if i decide to stick with diaryland, i'll have to get a new counter, 'cuz diaryland's entry square is too small and the java code for the counters i like to use is too big. or something. i dunno.
java sucks.
last night bal, FBH and i made a CD for our RA. the CD kicks some major ass. our RA's really sad and hurting right now. and like, for as insensitive as the three of us may appear sometimes, we'd really go the distance for just about anybody.
it was really funny when we were making the CD, 'cuz we made it off CDs, not mp3s, so it took us like, fifteen hours just to get it ready to record. so we sat there for an hour burning the CD, and then like.. the first song was s'posta be Bohemian Rhapsody, but for some reason the burner recorded half of the Duck Tales theme song (the song before BR on the mix CD we were recording off of,) and part of Rhapsody. it was really weird. plus, we put "Building A Mystery" on there twice, somehow, so we had to record the whole damn thing over again. this was at like, 2330, or something. so i went to get ready for bed and checked back in on FBH and the CD and she's all, "i had to start it over again." apparently last night was not our night for making a CD.
so, we'll give the CD to stites today. she'll be all happy. especially 'cuz FBH put Bohemian Rhapsody on there. and we put Come On Over. i hope she likes it, anyway.
bal, FBH and i are getting along better than we have in a long time. i'm really happy. it's weird 'cuz i know we're all three carrying around a certain amount of sadness right now, but we haven't really talked about it at all. i hope they're okay.
it's getting easier to talk to noah. better. we can joke and laugh now. i feel bad for him 'cuz the effing marines keep screwing him over. and like, i really try to believe that good things happen to good people. maybe that's only civilians.
today i gotta finish up some stuff for my transfer next year. i'm really excited. my apartment (assuming i get one...let's hope so) is gonna be so kick ass! Better than living with 300 other girls in a residence hall, that's for sure.
04 Apr 0912 hrs

*i'm already there* -lonestar

man...so much weird shit has happened lately. so much sad stuff.
BJ and i decided to end stuff at the end of the year. i'm, obviously, very sad about that. but we both agree it's what's best. it's hard, and it's going to really suck, but it's for the best.
i think it's going to be a lot harder for me, 'cuz i don't think he realizes like, how much he's really improved my life. he's such a positive influence. and our relationship was (is, damnit!) definitely positive and fun. i think that's why it sucks so much to think of not waking up and knowing he'll be around to make me smile.
and ben and i aren't talking right now. we both agreed to that, too. just 'cuz he keeps asking questions, and i keep letting him down with my answers. so, until i can stop hurting him, we've decided to sort of stay away from each other. and i think we're okay with that. it sucks, 'cuz like, that's one less friend i have to talk to about things...but when my talking is making him sad, i'd rather just stay away.
mocksie took her diary off password. i can understand why she had to put it there for a while.
sometimes it's just too much knowing that everyone can read everything.
i guess noah isn't very happy with the fact that i don't like to talk to him right now. not even that i don't want to talk to HIM. it's just that i don't want to talk about what's wrong. about how sad i am. 'cuz if i talk about it with too many people, i'm going to focus on the sadness and the pain...and that just isn't me.
he told me the other day that i'm still as confused as the day i told him i needed some time alone. i'd rather be confused than insensitive.
03 April 1030 hrs

*well, the next thing i recall, she had him back against the wall, chewin' him like a bulldog on a bone. she was puttin' him in his place, and i mean right up in his face. draggin' him down a list of done-me-wrongs.* -at

i've moved. i'll update my notifylist about my whereabouts. if the rest of you wanna know, you can ask.
i haven't decided yet whether or not i'll be staying at my new address, so i may or may not make a return to the ring at the end of the month.
be safe, my lovelies.
08 April 2017 hrs